Prologue

When did you fall in love?  It is such a simple question, yet, when someone asks you those six little words, you can’t begin to explain to them the exact moment that feeling came into being.  Maybe it’s the sum of the moments you spent with this person; this person who you feel like completes everything you are.  This person who was born only for you; this person who seems to breathe out the very essence of your being just so you can breathe it back in.  Maybe it was the time that you saw her sitting on that porch step.  Her green eyes turned up toward the warm sun.  The glow of rays streaming through her blonde curls which made the morning seem so much brighter.  Maybe it was the time when she befriended you; this amazing person, stuck somewhere between being a just a girl and a woman, looking for comfort and partnership with anyone who would listen, even the awkward girl from next door.  Maybe it was the time that she caught you staring and didn’t look away.  Maybe it was the acute awareness that she was staring back.

The thing is then, time isn’t an intangible thing at all.  You live the moments, you touch them, you feel them, you see them.  The beat of her heart like the second hand of a clock ticking away.  The breaths marking the minutes and hours of the moments, those glorious moments that you were together.  You’re able to touch and feel them all.  And the memories stay, they always do and they always will.  But just like the ticking clock, you know that time eventually runs out.  It takes its course and with it, it captures those moments and fades out until all that is left is you.  All that is left is you standing there alone, with only the memories of what the past was, what your present is, and how your future will be without her.  How can time exist without her in those moments to help it along?

So when did you fall in love?  I wouldn’t be able to answer that question with a simple answer.  I think the best question would be why did you fall in love?  And if there was ever an actual end to loving her.

Chapter 1

September 2005

The Southern California black tops were exceptionally hot this year.  I remember hearing the weatherman say that this would be one of the hottest autumns on record.  Great.  I wouldn’t have cared that much if my mother agreed to use the air conditioner.  But now that her hours had gotten cut at the grocery store, there would have to be cutbacks to our life as well.  I just marked it down on the ever changing list of how much worse my life could get.

Let’s go through some of them shall we?  I stare out the window of the car, watching the white lines blur into one solid mass as I take in my appearance in the side mirror.  One. My hair.  If you can even call it that.  While my mother’s is straight and smooth, I received my father’s frizz.  It kinked where it shouldn’t, flew away when it should be matted down and ended up being a dark brown.  It wasn’t a good thing living in California when all you really wanted was to have blonde flowing locks.

Two.  My teeth.  Crooked and with a nasty overbite I was teased mercilessly as a kid.  When most teenagers got braces in junior high, I had to wait until high school.  I’m grateful that my mother saved for years just to afford them but at this point I’m really questioning if the metal mouth is more attractive than a bunch of screwed up teeth.  At least they are white.  Maybe I could’ve gotten away with it.

Three.  I got my mother’s plumpness.  Of course, since dad died she’s gained some weight too, not as much as me though.  While I wouldn’t call myself obese, I know that I could stand to lose a couple of pounds.  It’s just so hard to eat healthy when mom doesn’t make a lot of money.  Eating healthy means eating better foods which cost more to buy.  Isn’t that how life works?  Whatever is good for you means you better pay up for it?

Four.  My eyes.  Or the four of them to be precise.  My vision is horrible with astigmatism in both eyes.  I can’t even get contact lenses because they don’t make them yet for my prescription.  And seeing as we couldn’t afford designer frames, I’m literally peering out of coke bottle lenses.  The only thing I have going for me is their color.  I was able to get some green from my dad and blue from my mom.  Mix in a little brown from my grandparents and viola, I have the only interesting thing about me.  My mom says that when I look at her without my glasses I look like my dad.  She gives me a sad smile and it breaks my heart.  How can she go through life looking into a spitting image of the person she loved and lost?  That brings me to number five.  The loss of my father.  It’s only been five years and I still feel like I’ll wake up and see him sitting at the breakfast table, sipping his coffee and looking up with a great white smile.

Sometimes I imagine him saying “Good Morning, B,” and I would respond in kind.  I’d ask him what kind of crazy cases he’s seen lately and he would make me laugh with some insane story of a looney hypochondriac, sure that he had the rarest disease because he looked up his symptoms online.  And then the dream will fade because I’m looking at his chair and he’s not there.  His office now belonging to an insurance agent.  Where it had said Michael Montgomery, M.D. General Medicine, it now says “Save $20 on your home or auto!”  It sickens me every time we pass it.  He’s supposed to be there - not just in my memories and six feet under.

“If you keep making that face it will get stuck like that forever.”  Mom makes a left and I hold onto the “oh shit” handle as she speeds through the turn.  The groceries in the back tumble out and she winces when the milk hits the bottom of the backseat.  I know she’s in a hurry to get the spoilable items in the fridge.  It’s not like we could afford another trip for a while.

“You know I’m going to be a junior this year, right?”  I say in response to her statement.  She looks at me with a teenage ‘duh’ expression and I smirk.  “That means I’ve already learned that it’s an old wives tale about your face staying stuck.  So I can do this,” I cross my eyes and stick out my tongue at her, “all day long.”  And just like that what I set out to do works.  I hear my mother laugh deep and I smile at the fact that I put that sound there.

I still remember the first laugh I heard from her after my father died.  It seemed like mom was just going through the motions.  There but not really there for the longest time.  And then one day, out of the blue, mom starts laughing.  And it wasn’t a small chuckle.  It was a knee slapping, breathless laugh.  The kind that makes you smile and laugh along just from hearing and watching it.  And when I was finally able to find out why she was laughing, I realized that I had barbeque sauce all over my face from the ribs I was eating.  At that moment I knew that making my mother laugh was one of the best feelings in the world.  So now, I try to do it at least once a day.

“I still can’t believe you’re going to be a junior.”  My mother’s eyes start misting over and I nudged her shoulder to get her out of that mood.  I hate seeing her like that.  I know she’s thinking about how much dad would want to see me graduate and can’t bear to think those thoughts too.  Not now.

“I still have a week before school starts.  I’ll make sure to be really immature for the next seven days for you.”  I wink at my mom and she just shakes her head at me.  Wiping away the tears we finally pull up to our home and I hustle out of the passenger seat to start bringing in the groceries.  With my head in the car, I’m gathering all of the frozen and cold items first when I hear mom talking off in the distance.  I figure she’s chatting with Kathy, the old woman who lives next door, like she usually does but Kathy’s voice sounds a lot younger and a lot more subdued.

“Beatrice!”  I wince at the sound of my full name.  Did I mention the sixth thing on my list?  Beatrice was my grandmother’s name and my parents only saw it fitting to name me after her.  Although, most of the time they call me “B” I still can’t get away from the name fully.

I look up to where my mother is standing and waving me over.  I shuffle my feet as I make my way over to her, now fully aware of the girl sitting down on the front step and taking in every stride.

Finally, I reach my mother who smiles at me and places her hand on my shoulder.  The girl looks up and gives me a short and not so welcoming smile.  I knew her type and it made me even more uncomfortable.

“Beatrice this is Madeline.  Madeline this is my daughter, Beatrice.”  I noticeably wince at the name as I hold my hand out and say “B” like she was my friend or something.  The girl takes my hand and grasps it and says “Maddie”.  At the sound of the shortened name, something inside of me somersaults.  Maybe it’s the fact that she’s giving me the permission to use her nickname or maybe it’s the fact that she looks to be everything I wish I was.

“B, Madeline is Kathy’s granddaughter and she’s going to be staying with her while she finishes school.”  My mother turns to Maddie.  “You’re going to be a senior right?”  I heard my mother’s tone and immediately my shackles rose.  I knew that my mother was meddling and I wish I could elbow her to stop without bringing attention to myself.

Madeline gave a tight smile.

“Yes.  I guess I’ll be finishing up at Granada Hills High.”  Maddie looks between me and my mother, sure that she’s confused about the difference in expressions she sees.  While my mother was sporting a wide smile with twinkling eyes, I on the other hand, probably looked like someone just shot my dog.

“Oh isn’t that just great, B?  You two will be going to school with one another.  Maybe you can show Maddie around on the first day.”  My mother grasps my shoulder and squeezes, a little too hard if you ask me.

“Uh, sure.  If, uh, that is, you know.  If you want.”  I shrug my shoulders and look at my shoes, suddenly interested in a small pebble on the concrete.

“Yeah, sounds fun, I guess.”  Maddie commits without committing and she looked so at ease that I just wanted to shake her.  But instead I exhaled.

“Okay, well.  Nice meeting you.  I’m going to go put the groceries away mom.”  I give my mother the ‘stare’ that tells her she is overstaying her welcome and finally she catches on.

“Right.  Yes, the groceries.  Well, it was great meeting you Maddie.  I’ll call your grandmother and maybe you two can come over for dinner one of these nights.  Would you like that?”

My mother says it as if she’s a stray that may run away at the slightest movement.  Maddie shrugs and my mother takes it as a ‘yes’.  It was obvious that this girl didn’t want us around.  No surprise there.

“Okay great.  Well good luck with moving in.  Bye now,” my mother waves as I grab her arm to steer her away from our new neighbor.  “Hey, what’s the rush?”  My mother whispers to me.  I open the back seat and start piling groceries in my hands.

“Mom, please don’t do that.  You know I hate it when you try to set me up.”  My nerves are on overdrive and I barely notice my mother’s hurt expression.

“I just thought it would be nice for you to have a friend.”

I shook my head as I pivoted to the front door.  I waited for my mother to open it and when we were finally in the confines of the house I raised my voice so she could hear.

“I can make my own friends mom.  I don’t need your help.”  The tightness in my throat threatened to choke me but I forced through the words.  “Plus, look at her.  She doesn’t want to be my friend.”

“Oh, Beatrice.  She is a nice young lady.”  My mother started to place the perishables in the fridge as I stood there against the counter, arms holding myself defensively.

“You don’t know what it’s like anymore.  If you don’t look like them,” I pointed out front motioning toward where we left Maddie, “then you don’t belong.”

My mom closed the fridge and turned to me.  “So unless you have blonde hair and blue eyes, you’re not allowed to have friends?  Come on B, you’re being too hard on yourself.”

I bit the bottom of my lip and my braces rubbed against the inside of my lip.  I should be used to it by now but I couldn’t help but flinch at the pinch I felt.

“All I’m saying is that Maddie will have no problem fitting in.  And I doubt that she’ll want someone like me showing her around.  It would be social suicide.”

I whisper the last part as I felt my mother walk over.  She threw her arms around me and I fought the tears back.  I didn’t want to cry.  I vowed to myself that this year would be different.

“You are a beautiful, talented, funny and all around amazing human being, B.  Anyone would be lucky to call you a friend.”  She kissed my temple and I sniffed.

“You have to say that cause you’re my mom.  You’re biased…and stuff.”  I wiped away a tear that escaped.  Mutiny!

“Nonsense.  You’re going to see that this girl is different.  I can feel it.  I think you two are going to get along just famously.  Just you wait.”  My mom touched her nose to mine and I scoffed.

“We’ll see.”

“Just try, B.  That’s all I ask.”

And because I love my mother and would do anything for her I nodded.  Even though I knew how this would all end.

“Hey, B?  Did you grab the milk?”

“Shoot!”  I rushed out of the house and to the car, opening the door and grabbing the large, warm carton. As I locked up the car I took a chance and looked over to my new neighbor.  Maddie was still seated on her step, her eyes looking up toward the sky.  The warming California sun seemed to make her skin glow with the same honey color as her hair.  I imagined her deep green eyes twinkling and again something flipped inside of me.  She finally brought her head down and looked over to where I was standing.  A small, almost sad smile appeared and she waved at me. Stupidly, I waved back.

Maybe mom would be right after all.

Chapter 2

July 2015

“All I’m saying is that bullying is a serious problem these days.  I mean look at the statistics.  You have kids…let me repeat that…kids committing suicide because of how they are being treated in school.  Whether it be their ethnicity, their weight, the way they look, their sexuality.  We have to do something to stop the hatred!”

“Well I think if someone is a fag they deserve to be taught a lesson.  I don’t want no fudge packer checking me out in the locker room.”  The uproar deafened the normally quiet classroom as I stood suddenly.

“Bryan! That language and not to mention your discriminatory words towards the LGBT community is disrespectful.”  I look towards Bryan Donnelly and inwardly cringed.  I would like to say that ten years was enough for high school to change but hearing those words come from one of the most popular students was enough for me to realize it is only wishful thinking.

“Not to mention totally out of order.  Gays and lesbians deserve the same rights as any other human.”  I looked over at Denise at her bark back to Bryan.

“Okay, Denise.  We’re going to end this debate here.  Bryan, I don’t want to hear any more of that speak in my classroom or these halls.  Do you understand me?”  The boy shrugs his shoulders and I notice his friend give him a low five under the desk.  I wish I could do more but unfortunately, teaching these days isn’t what it used to be.

I stare at the clock as the kids write down their assignment and hurry out of the room.  The second hand ticks by every minute and I swear that my classroom is nothing but a black hole where no time actually exists.

“Four more hours,” a body plops down in the closest chair to my desk and I look up to find my friend and fellow teacher, Vanessa, staring tiredly at me.

“Feels like four more years,” I mutter as I put away the stack of in class assignments in my briefcase.

“Bad day, huh?”

“If you think children yelling out discriminatory slurs is a bad day then yes.”  I exhale as I run my hand through my dark locks.

“Oh please don’t tell me is Donnelly again?”  I pointed at my nose and Vanessa rolled her eyes.  “Well, it’s a learned behavior.  You know how his father is.”

I nod my head as I imagine the probable nightly ritual at the Donnelly house.  A nice dinner, followed by dessert and coffee and then grabbing of pitchforks so they can join the local mob to burn witches and dykes.

“At least it’s Friday!”  Vanessa sings the last word and something strikes within me.  Friday, why does that sound so familiar?  “Oh come on B, you didn’t forget did you?”

And then I remember.  Vanessa.  Her boyfriend Jared. Me as the third wheel.  Dinner and movies.  “Shit, sorry, Vanessa.  I don’t know where my mind is lately.”

“Maybe you just need to get laid,” she says through the side of her mouth.  I eye her and throw a pen in her direction which she swiftly dodges.  “Please don’t back out.  This one is supposed to be the best in the series.  Plus it has a little hot actress that is sure to tickle your fancy.”  Her eyebrows wiggle up and down but my stomach clenches.  What could I say to get out of this?  I race through my mind trying to find an excuse.  Doing my hair? So cliché.  Grading papers? She may go for that.  How about I would rather have a thousand paper cuts and jump into a pool of lemon juice than watch that movie?  I sigh at her hopeful expression and give in.

With a forced smile I say, “Of course I didn’t make any plans.  What time should I be at your place?”  Vanessa smiles widely as she gives me the time and the schedule of what we were doing.  I sit and listen but the words aren’t sticking.  Instead, my mind drifts and yet again, time stands still.

***

September 2005

“So that’s D building.  That’s where your science class is going to be.  And over there,” I point behind me as I look over to the building, “is B building.  That’s history and next to it is woodshop.”

I look up at an uninterested Maddie who doesn’t even look like she’s taking in anything I’m saying.  “Do you have any questions?”

“Huh?”  Maddie looks down at me as she adjusts her backpack on her shoulder.  “Oh, no.  D building, science.  B building, history.  I got it.”

“And woodshop.”

“Right,” she exhales as we make our way through the throng of kids.  Although the high school was fairly large, it was considered one of the best schools in California which meant that a lot of students earned their way in.  This of course meant that over four thousands kids were packed into the walkways and I was shouldering just to get through.  Maddie however, didn’t have a problem as the sea parted at her every step.

“What’s good to eat around here?”  Maddie asked as I showed her to her locker.  I furrowed my brows as I took in her question.

“You aren’t allowed offsite for lunch unless you have a fifth and sixth off campus class or work study.”  Knowing her schedule I knew that Maddie didn’t have any of those but her scowl was none the less frightening.

“That’s such bullshit.  It wasn’t like that in New York.  Just another thing that this stupid city has to offer.”  I watched as Maddie angrily tried to open locker.  On the third try she finally gave up and threw her back pack against the metal wall.

“New York?  Is that where you’re from?”  I tried to ask as calmly as possible as I felt eyes on us staring.  I took the combination slip out of Maddie’s hand and started to turn the wheel, trying to get her to calm down.

“Yeah.  That’s where I lived.  Now I’m stuck in this shithole…no offense.”  I opened the locker and smiled tightly.

“None taken.”  I watched as Maddie shoved her whole backpack in her locker and then slam it.  “Uh, aren’t you going to need that?”

Maddie shrugged as she walked down the hallway.  I struggled to keep up with her as we both headed to our first class.  “Don’t need much.  I have a pen in my pocket.”

“What about paper?”  Maddie held out her hand and pretended to scribble on it.  I noticed it had faint lines of something that had already been written there but almost scrubbed off.

“Aren’t you worried you’re going to run out of room?”  I asked in confusion.  How could someone be so blasé about school?

“That’s why I have two.  I’m ambidextrous so I can write with both my left and right hand.”

“Cool,” I said and I meant it.  Maddie gave me a smile and my cheeks warmed at the embarrassment.

I stopped with Maddie outside of her first class.  I saw her fidget quickly but then she straightened her back and turned to me.  “So, where to for lunch?”

“Uh, I thought you heard me before.  We can’t leave for…”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you.  Doesn’t mean we can’t sneak off,” her green eyes twinkled mischievously.  I wanted to throw caution to the wind and ditch with her but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.  I wasn’t a rule breaker.  I was the complete opposite.

“You’ll have to do all the sneaking, sorry.  It’s my junior year and colleges will be looking at my record.  I can’t get caught.”  Maddie frowned momentarily but then shrugged her shoulders.

“Your loss,” she turned but before she walked into the classroom she faced me one more time.  “Hey, thanks for showing me around.  You didn’t have to do that, you know.”  She winked at me and then left me dumbfounded.  I couldn’t peg her, not that I had much experience with getting to know people, but there was something about Maddie that was intriguing, and scary at the same time.

I stood there until the minute bell rang and cursed myself.  It would be crappy if I was late to my first class on my first day of junior year.  But no matter how much I wanted to run I stayed in an even stride.  I had a feeling that’s what Maddie would do.

***

The one thing that was nice about being a veteran at your school was that you knew all the places that the popular kids weren’t.  So there I was in the back of the L building eating lunch, in a bathroom.  It’s not as horrible as it sounds, really.  This bathroom is rarely ever used so it’s always clean and smells like air freshener.  It wasn’t that I wanted to eat here, but I really didn’t have an option if I wanted to be left alone.  I found that out the hard way. It was either eating here by myself or eating out in the open where I was cannon fodder to the Fab Five.

The Fab Five.  Even their name sounded ridiculous in my head.  You would think it was some movie, where the most popular girls strutted in their slutty outfits, saying slutty things about their slutty friends in the halls.  Preying on poor innocent kids who were just trying to get through this thing we call life.  The Fab Five were hell on wheels.  Destruction followed their path and I swear the leader was the devil with her four apocalyptic horsemen riding her tail.

But it wasn’t always like that.  In fact, the devil, or shall I call her by her given name, Jenna, used to be really sweet.  Actually sweet enough to where I used to call her my best friend.  We had done everything together from when we were young all the way up to eighth grade.  Then Jenna decided that she wanted to hang out with some new people from her dance class.  Unfortunately, I didn’t fit in.  I have two left feet while Jenna seems to have the perfect set of legs to allow her to climb to head cheerleader.  See?  Didn’t I say it was just like the movies?

So the Fab Five was born between the summer of eighth grade and the start of high school.  By the time that our freshman year started I was nothing but unevolved pond scum to her and her new friends.  In fact, I was probably thought of as lower than pond scum.  The first time Jenna told me that I looked like I got into a fight with the lawnmower and that the lawnmower won, I knew that the friendship was definitely over.  I didn’t allow her to see me cry but that’s exactly what I did when I got home.  I couldn’t tell my mother, dad was gone so I couldn’t tell him and once word got out that I was target practice I was shunned all together.

And that’s when I found the L building bathroom.  Things got remarkably better after I started to eat lunch away from the hordes of people.  Who wants to see hormonal monkeys making out and pretending to like each other anyways?

So I sit there in my sanctuary and pull out my brown paper bag that held the contents of my lunch.  Mom always put in a note saying she loved me and to have a good day and today was no different.  I never told her that I’ve kept every single one of her notes and put it in a journal I keep in my locked drawer in my desk.

I grimace a little as I pull out the peanut butter sandwich.  I hated when we ran out of lunch meat and all that was left was peanut butter.  I imagined the food already stuck in my braces and I contemplated not eating it. The rumble of my stomach was enough of an answer as I peeled away the plastic baggie and took my first bite.

Immediately the soft bread and sticky middle clung to my mouth and I tried in earnest to clear away as much as possible between each bite.  It was times like these that I wish I had my toothbrush.

I sit on the toilet as I continue to fight with my sandwich reading the scribbled graffiti on the back of the stall door.  Not much changes over the years and I’ve read most of these before.

“Boys before books because books bring babies,” that was my favorite.  I continue to read as my stomach drops noticing the new dark marker text written over Fab Five Forever.

“Beatrice Montgomery is a dyke!”  Suddenly my appetite is gone and my half eaten sandwich falls to the floor.  I lick my thumb and try to remove the marker but it’s already permanently etched on.  Peanut butter trails over the graffiti and I feel the pricks of tears starting to form.  “No no no…”  I pull out some toilet paper and spit in it, desperately trying to remove the words.  To erase them from this moment in my life.  I stop my furious rubbing as I hear the bathroom door squeak open.

No one is supposed to be in here.

“Did you see what she was wearing?  Like, it’s not the eighties anymore.  How many sheep had to die in order for her to wear those pants?”  I heard snickering and immediately placed that voice.  Jenna.  “And don’t get me started on that hair.  Did she lose a fight with a lawnmower or something?”

I rolled my eyes.  Couldn’t she come up with something more original?

“And did you see that dyke Beatrice?  Hanging out with that new senior?  Who does she think she is?”

“It’s probably her girlfriend.”  Brooklyn, Jenna’s successor, says.  I close my eyes and imagine this is just a bad dream.  There is no way that they know I’m here.  I hug my knees which are now up on the toilet, making sure that I am invisible as possible.

“No way is that senior a carpet muncher.  She’s too pretty.”

“Maybe we should introduce ourselves to her.  Let her know who she should be hanging out with.”  I bit my lip wanting to scream “No!” but didn’t.  That would be ultimate suicide.

“Not a bad idea.  She should know who’s who.  And plus, I’m sure once she finds out that Beatrice is a dyke she’ll run for the hills.”

I heard the Fab Five snicker in unison and my throat closed.  I had to talk to Maddie first.  And tell her what?  That the popular girls are going to say you’re a lesbian but it’s not true?

“Did she really try to kiss you?  Like, that’s so gross.”  I envisioned Daria flipping her hair and applying her mascara so thick that she looked like a raccoon.  I didn’t dare try to see them in the gap between the stalls, out of fear of being found out.

And I didn’t try to kiss her.  If they only knew…

“Yeah.  It was so disgusting.  Why do you think I stopped being friends with her? I mean, she used to be cool when her dad was alive.”

“He probably died of a heart attack when he found out she was a lesbo.”

They laughed again and my stomach roiled.  I wanted to speak up, I wanted to defend my dad.  I wanted to defend myself but I was nothing.  I was only one and they were five and there was nothing I could do.  Then as if the world stopped turning, there was silence.  I knew they didn’t leave - I would have heard the door open - but the tension was building.  It was thick, it was heavy, and they knew they weren’t alone.

One heartbeat. Tick. Two heart beats.  Tock.  “Is that what happened Beatrice?  Did your dad croak because you told him you liked to eat pussy?”

I looked up as Jenna’s ice blue eye peered into the stall.  I caught a half smirk and I looked away, hugging my knees tighter.  “Hey, I’m talking to you, homo!  You’re so pathetic thinking you could hide in here.  Who eats lunch in a disgusting bathroom?  Are you hoping to spy on girls pissing?”  Jenna slapped the stall door loudly and the rest of the girls snickered.  I shut my eyes as the slap echoed loudly against the white tiles of the bathroom.

Another slap, another slur.  Then more hands pounded on the stall and more.  The bathroom felt like it was shaking all around me as I whispered to ‘stop’.  I saw my dad’s face, smiling and then I saw him in the hospital, his soulless body hooked up to every machine imaginable.  I saw myself on the toilet as these girls berated me.  My out of body self screamed for me to do something, to say something to stop the madness.  But I didn’t.  I just sat there, pretending that this was still my sanctuary.

I screamed inside, placing my fingers in my ears to stop the torment.  It was getting louder and louder until finally I couldn’t hear their words anymore.  All I could hear was the muffled banging of their hands against the stall wall.  And it lasted hours, or what seemed like hours, until finally the slapping stopped.

“What the fuck is going on in here?”

I knew that voice.

“Nothing, just having a little fun.”  Jenna returned.  And then I heard them snicker as they started shuffling out.  “You know, you should really be careful with who you hang out with.  You don’t want people thinking you’re a dyke, too.”  At those final words from Jenna the damn broke.  I felt my warm tears fall from my eyes and with the last few footsteps I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

I took a few moments to breathe, to steady myself and to think.  Had Maddie gone too?  Of course she did, why wouldn’t she?

“B?” The voice was soft but it still startled me.  I saw her hand grasp the top of the stall and she only looked in quick enough to confirm it was me, thank god.

“Yeah?” I asked through a shaky voice.  For a moment there was silence and I thought she may just leave me alone.

“Are you,” she stopped but then started again.  “Are you okay?”

No.  “I’ll be fine.  I just need a minute.”  I sniffled as I took some toilet paper and tried to wipe away the remnants of my tears.

“Okay, I’ll wait for you.  If you don’t mind.”  She still held the top of the door and I couldn’t help but feel protected.  I breathed in heavily and then let out a breath as I finally stood.  My knees wobbled but I found my footing and finally unlocked the door.

Maddie felt the lock release and opened it slowly, her eyes softening as they met mine.  Great, just what I needed.  Sympathy.

She didn’t say anything as I walked out throwing away my half eaten sandwich in the trash and moving to the sink to wash my face.

“Are you really going to be okay?”  I looked up through red eyes through the mirror.  Behind Maddie, the stall door stood proudly open, displaying black offending ink.  Maddie followed my gaze and turned around, reading the lettering.  My stomach tightened but I watched her still.  Without glancing at me she pulled out a large black sharpie from her pocket and scribbled something down under the graffiti.

As I read the backwards words I couldn’t help but laugh and Maddie smiled as she capped the pen.  “See?  If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”  Our eyes met and I couldn’t stop the smile even if I wanted to.

Forever inscribed on that bathroom stall would read “Beatrice Montgomery is a dyke and proud of it!”

***

“I could totally climb across this tree and get to my room.”  I take a break from cleaning my glasses on my shirt and place them back on my face, now fully able to see Maddie without the blur.

She had been kind enough to drop me home after school and the incident.  It was nice not having to wait for mom to get off of work.  Usually, I would still be nose deep in a textbook but after the day I had, being home was all that was on my mind.

I walked over to where she stood at the window and glanced at the large oak tree and then down toward the ground.  “You’re not afraid of heights?”  Maddie shrugged and removed herself from the window, plopping her back down unceremoniously on my bed.  I took a seat on the window sill with my arms crossed, trying to find a conversation that didn’t involve anything that happened today.

“So…” Maddie said while keeping her eyes on the ceiling.

“So…” I responded.  It’s not that I felt uncomfortable with Maddie.  In fact, her personality and easy going nature made me think that she might just be the easiest person to get along with.  But I wasn’t sure if I was ready to spill everything about Jenna, and myself.

“Are you feeling better?”

I nodded my head and looked down at my feet.  The carpet worn out and frayed.  I wish mom had enough money to put wood floors in here.

“Do you want to talk about it?”  Maddie finally turned her eyes at me right when I looked up from the floor.  I shrugged one shoulder.

“There isn’t much to talk about.  It’s been like this since freshman year.  I’ve gotten used to it.”  I watched Maddie’s hands as the reflexively turned into a fist and then released.

“I don’t think anyone can get used to something like that.” A pause. “Would they physically hurt you if they got a chance?”  She was sitting up now.  Her hands wringing one another and staring at me with that damned sincere expression that she had somehow perfected.  I exhale loudly and move away from my stance, taking the desk chair and facing Maddie while sitting.

“I don’t think so.  I mean, they’ve never tried to before.  But I have to say that this time was different.  Usually they just say mean comments but the slurs and other stuff is new.”

Maddie nodded her head, listening to my words.  “What they wrote…and said,” she took a breath, trying to figure out the best way to put her words into form.  “Is it true?  Are you a lesbian?”

I sat still for a moment chewing on my bottom lip.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer truthfully.  I imagined saying the words and then watching Maddie grimace and shoot out of my window, climbing the oak branches as fast as she could over to her own house.  I was sure she would want to escape as quickly as possible.  But her locked gaze on mine didn’t hold any ill intent.  It didn’t hold any judgement and I honestly didn’t think of her as someone who would mind having a gay friend.  But still, I couldn’t say the words so instead I nodded my truth.

“Does your mom know?”

I shook my head.

“Does your dad?”

I smiled sadly and shook my head again.  “My dad passed away five years ago.  It wasn’t even a thought in my mind then.”  We sat as the weight of my words filled the space between us.  Finally, Maddie’s voice broke through the silence.

“My dad died too…” she swallowed hard, “and my mom.  They were in a car accident right after school ended this last summer.  That’s why I have to live here with my grandma.”  She offered me her own sad smile but couldn’t hold my gaze.  We both knew that nothing more needed to be said.  We had lost people who we loved and although Maddie lost more, the feeling of hurt was the same.

“Do you miss it?  New York, I mean?”

Maddie sighed heavily.  “I do.  But I think I only miss it because I remember it with my mom and dad being there.  After the accident happened nothing felt the same.  You know?”  I nodded and she continued.  “I miss my friends, especially Josh.”

I raised my eyebrows.  “Boyfriend?”  The loud guffaw told me I was wrong.

“Heck no.  More like a brother.  We grew up together, this is the longest we’ve ever been apart.  He’s gay too.”  I didn’t know if she was grouping herself into the label as well and I didn’t feel the need to pry.  Just knowing she didn’t have a problem with my questioning sexuality was more than enough for me.  “Do you mind me asking how your father died?”

I cleared my throat, not liking the question.  But knowing that she had been through similar pain eased my tension.  “He had a heart attack.  He was only 46.  We thought,” I took a breath trying to steady my nerves, “he was a healthy man.  We would all go on walks around the neighborhood.  We didn’t eat bad…hell, he was a doctor for crying out loud.”  My nerves turned into frustration.  Frustration that he was taken from me even though he followed every rule in the book.  “He woke up one morning grabbing his chest.  I remember hearing my mother scream for me to call an ambulance.  I don’t even remember doing it.  All I remember is the car ride, following the flashing lights and not knowing what was happening to my father.”  I felt Maddie grab my hand and squeeze.  The warmth was a distinct contrast to the coolness I felt in my veins.

“They said there was nothing they could do.  His heart stopped in the ambulance but by the time they got to the hospital they were able to revive him.  He had already lost too much oxygen to his brain.”  I grabbed Maddie’s hand tighter as the sights and sounds barreled into me.  The beeping heart monitor, the tubes, the machine breathing for him, it was like I was there in the room again.

I breathed in.  “But I got to say goodbye…before they took him off life support.  Mom wouldn’t let me be in the room when it happened so I sat in the waiting room with a nurse.  And then a few hours later mom came in and took me home.”  I hadn’t even realized that I was crying until Maddie brushed away a stray tear.  I wanted to lean into her comfort.  It was a feeling that I hadn’t been given from another person other than my mom in a long time.

“Like you said though, you got to say goodbye.  And I’m sure he knew how much you cared for him.”  I nodded my head as I wiped my tears with my shirt sleeve.

“I’m sorry, I’m not normally so blubbery,” I attempted a chuckle and in return Maddie gave me a smile.

“I think you’re allowed to be after today.  And after everything you’ve been through.”

“Thank you, for today, I should’ve said it earlier.”  My cheeks reddened at my sudden words but I continued none the less.  “It felt good having someone there, to actually see how they are…”

Maddie furrowed her brows.  “I don’t understand how they can get away with this.  I mean, maybe if we were in some small town in Kentucky but this is California.  San Francisco is basically the gay capitol of the world and it’s only a couple hours away.  How can those girls openly bash you and not get punished?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “It’s just how it is here.  No one takes it seriously.  Plus Jenna is the school’s sweet heart.  The teachers think she is God’s gift to the world and only the ones who feel her wrath really know what she is like.”

“Hmmm…”  Maddie was contemplating something but I could tell she wasn’t about to say it.

“What?”

“Well, I was just wondering how long you’ve known that Jenna is gay?”

I started to cough as my throat dried up.  There was no way in hell Maddie could know anything about that.  I stared at her dumbfounded and she just started to laugh.  “I’m right, aren’t I?”  I didn’t confirm her assumption, but I didn’t deny it either.  She clapped her hands in victory.  “Gosh, I am damn good.  I mean it’s so obvious.  She’s been hounding you since freshman year and now she’s bashing you because you’re gay.  And the only reason she could know you’re gay is you were obviously friends with her at one point.”  Her eyes widened in realization.  “Oh shit, was she your first girlfriend?”

I winced at the phrase.  “Sort of?”  Maddie stared at me with interest, her green eyes begging me to explain.  “We were best friends growing up until she kissed me right before middle school graduation.  I told her that I liked girls, just not her.  I felt like she was my sister.  After that she said she wanted to hang out with new people and left me in the dust.”

Maddie nodded.  “It all makes sense now.  She is still hung up on you.  It’s the oldest trick in the book.”  Maddie scoffed.  “I mean, it’s really what kids do to one another but she is pretty immature so I won’t fault her for that.”

I chuckled at Maddie’s description.  “There is no way that she is still interested in me.”

“Why wouldn’t she be?”  Maddie defended as I rolled my eyes.

“Look at me, Maddie.”  I motioned to my hair and my glasses and my teeth.  Maddie looked at me like I had asked but her expression was blank.

“I’m looking.  Again I ask, why wouldn’t she?”

My face warmed at what Maddie was getting across but I just shook my head. “Girls like Jenna don’t go for girls like me.  Hell, no girls go for girls like me.”  My voice softened as reality stuck out its ugly head.

“Gosh, she really did a number on you didn’t she?”  Maddie stood as she grabbed the chair and rolled me over to my desk.  I squealed as she placed me in front of the desk mirror and placed her hand on my head to get me to look at my reflection.

“First off, you’re not ugly, B.  Not by a long shot.”

“I’m not?” I squeaked unconvinced.  Maddie shook her head and smiled at me.  I watched her as she took my hair in her hands and pulled it back.  Keeping her eyes locked onto what she was doing she continued, “You’re exotic looking.  Do you know how many girls would love to have dark hair and deep hazel eyes?  I know that when I first met you that’s the first thing I noticed, and all I could think was ‘Damn.  She’s so beautiful.’”  I thought I caught a glimpse of her cheeks reddening but I was quickly distracted by her next words.  “And I know you probably hate the braces but I can already tell that they are coming off soon. In what?  Like six months?”  I nodded my head afraid to speak.  Not knowing what to say.  Never had anyone been so open with me before.  “I remember when I got mine off.  It was one of the best days of my life.”

“You had braces?”  I looked up at her and she nodded her head.

“I was also really lanky and a total tomboy.  I didn’t fit in at all but I had Josh so it didn’t matter.”  I felt her hands gliding through the last bit of hair.  “People want what they can’t have and believe me, B, you have a lot what they want.”  She finished by taking an elastic band from her wrist and securing the small strands of my hair that were left.  I stared at my reflection.  Gone was the frizzy nest and in its place was a neat French braid.  Maddie put the long thick braid over my shoulder and smiled.  When I acknowledged her I just shook my head.

“You could totally be a psychologist you know that?”

Maddie laughed and waved me off. “Naw.  I’m going for bigger and brighter.”

I raised an eyebrow and contemplated what that meant.  “I want to be an actress.”

“Ah,” is all I said.  A brief wave of insecurity flashed through me.  Well, if Maddie was lying with all that she said to me, she could definitely win an Oscar one day.  “Have you always wanted to do that?”

I watched her as she took her seat on the edge of my bed.  The sunlight that was peering through the window was now lighting my room in a burned orange.  The rays shone brightly on Maddie as she warmed her face in the setting sun.

“I have.  I grew up with it, you know?”  I nodded my head but I didn’t know.  Why would she grow up with it?  Was her mother or father in the entertainment business?  And then, something clicked.  A puzzle piece fell into place and my eyes widened.

“Your father was Daniel Fields.”  It wasn’t a question.  It was the understanding that I was looking for.  I didn’t know why I didn’t put two and two together when I found out Maddie’s last name.  I thought back to the news a few months ago.  Headlines were riddled all over about the death of actor Daniel Fields and his wife.  They had been hit by a drunk driver after a red carpet event.  I also remember them saying something about leaving behind a daughter but at that point I was no longer interested.  News about death was always something I tended to tune out.

“Yeah.  That was him.”

“I remember now, hearing about it.  I’m so sorry that they passed away like that.  It must have been devastating.”  Maddie nodded her head and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about it.  Talking about my father still hurt and that happened years ago.  I remember how fresh the pain was within only a few months of his death.

“So you know a lot of people in the business then?”  I tried to change the subject to something she was more comfortable with.

“I do.  And I know it will be hard but I’m going to stop at nothing.”  The determination in her eyes was all I needed to believe her.  I had no doubt that Maddie would make it far.

“That’s awesome, Maddie.  You’re going to go far.  You have it in your blood.”  I presented her with a wide metallic smile and she chuckled at my corniness.

“Thanks, B.”  She glanced at her clock and her eyes widened.

“Shit, sorry.  I have to go.  I didn’t even realize how late it was.”  She stood.  I stood.  We both just stood there, not knowing how to end our talk.  Thankfully, Maddie wasn’t shy like me and brought her arms around me in a strong hug.

“Think your mom will let me drop you off and pick you up from school from now on?”  She raised her eyebrow as my heart thudded.

“Seriously?  You wouldn’t mind?”

Maddie shook her head as we both walked to the front door.  When I opened it for her she gave me another hug, smaller this time but it felt good none the less.

“Of course I wouldn’t mind.  Plus, someone has to keep the wolves away.”  She winked at me as she started to walk next door.  “I’ll be here at 7.  Good night!”

I bid her a good night as well and closed the door.  Leaning my back against it I realized that my cheeks hurt from smiling.  Damn.  I hate it when my mother’s right.

Chapter 3

July 2015

“Damn, this place is packed!  Oh look there are three spots over there.”  Vanessa rushed ahead of me and Jared and I snickered at her excitement.

“She really likes these movies, huh?”

Jared huffed a laugh.  “She’s been talking about this since the last one ended last year.  I swear, if I didn’t know any better I think she’s in love with the lead actress.”  Jared and I continued to walk down the stairs towards where Vanessa was now waving us down.  “Although I can’t blame her.  She is gorgeous” Jared elbowed me and I gave him a forced smile.  We finally made it to our seats as the lights dimmed.  The previews played as I reviewed my to-do list in my head.  It was all I could do to keep my nerves settled.

The theater was packed and I was wedged between an engrossed Vanessa to my right and a larger man that was sweating profusely and smelled like vodka to my left.  I cringed inwardly at my luck.  How did I get here?  How had I managed to dodge this for years only to be sitting here in this moment?  Wasn’t it bad enough that everywhere I looked her face was plastered on billboards and magazines?

I felt Vanessa nudge me as the opening started to play.  I took a deep breath wondering if I could close my eyes for two and a half hours and awake when it was all over.  I tried it.  I really did.  But I didn’t make it two hours.  I barely made it two minutes.  Because when her voice settled within my ears at her first line in the movie the damn broke and my eyes opened to deep green.  And just like the moment I first saw her, sitting on her front porch, there was Maddie.  Larger than life, literally.  Her face and skin as soft as I remembered.  Her eyes deep and understanding.  It was as if she and I were in my room talking to each other again.  About everything.  About nothing.  Just two friends not knowing what the future holds and just living life in the moment.

I had known, of course, that once it was confirmed that Maddie landed the role of Holly Banks that her dream had come true.  She would be playing one of the most talked about characters in the popular young adult dystopian novels and I couldn’t have felt more proud.  I remembered her eyes when she spoke about making it as an actress.  That determination, that drive.  It never left her, even that last day I saw her.

“You don’t even know what love is,” Holly said.  She turned into the burnt and smoking forest.

“How can I, Holly?  How can I believe in anything that used to be when this is it?  Look around us, we’re alone.  Hell, we may even be the only two people left on this god forsaken planet.  The plague took everyone.  It took everything.  Even love.”  The deep voice cracked with emotion.  Holly stood motionless.  The leaves crackled with their kindling and Holly turned towards Blake.

“Yes, Blake.  You’re right.  We lost everyone along the way.  We lost everything along the way.”  She pauses as a tear rolls down her face.  “Except for each other.  Can’t you see that?  Can’t you see that through all of this,” Holly raises her hands and turns, encompassing the bleak surroundings, “we are still here?  All of our feelings, emotions, our flesh and blood.  It is all still here.”  She grabs onto his shirt and kisses him deeply.  When she pulls away both bodies are heaving with emotion.

“Don’t go,” Blake whispers.  But Holly steps back, giving herself distance.

“I have to.  I have to know if there are more survivors.  And I won’t beg you to come with me.  I love you, Blake, even though you don’t know what that is anymore, I still do.  And when I find more people, I’ll come back.  For you.  For us. And maybe…maybe then you’ll know that something inside of you did survive.”

The camera backs out as Holly retreats from Blake into the smoldering forest.

“Don’t go,” we hear him say as the movie fades to black.

“Don’t go,” I lip with him.

***

“I just don’t understand why it would end like that!” Vanessa exclaimed.  Her mood had grown sour, a testament to how much fictional characters seem to burrow into the fabric of life.  “I mean, come on!  Really?  That doesn’t happen in real life.”  Vanessa placed her wine glass down and pushed around the food on her plate.

“Well, I think it followed the novels quite nicely.  It leaves the reader and viewer with their own interpretation to the ending.  Does she go back for him?  I think she does.  What do you think, babe?”

I watched as Vanessa smiled widely, her head nodding at Jared’s assumption.  “Yeah, she has to right?  I mean, otherwise why write it like that?”

“Because it’s reality,” I murmured.  Vanessa glared at me and Jared pleaded with his eyes for me to not burden his girlfriend.

“If you really believe that then there definitely is no hope for your love life.”  Vanessa stated.  I knew it was meant to be a tease but it still stung.

I shrugged my shoulders, letting the comment slide off.  “It’s the truth.  You can love someone very much but in the end you can still be standing alone, watching her walk away.”

“But he said he didn’t love her.  That’s why she walked away.  Do you think she really would have left him if he told her that he was in love with her?”  To anyone listening in on the conversation, they must have thought we were crazy talking about two fictional characters as if they were real people.

“I do.”

Vanessa held up her hands in mock surrender.  “Why?  Give me one good reason why she would still walk off?”

“Because she needed to prove herself.”  Jared and Vanessa sat silent waiting for me to explain.  I fidgeted in my seat and took a sip of my water, clearing my throat.  “We grow up believing in fairytales.  That a knight in shining armor is going to whisk away the damsel in distress and save her from a less than ordinary life.  But not all women want that.  They want to pursue their own goals, especially independent and strong willed women like Mad…” I paused, catching myself and then continued, “Holly.”

“So you’re saying that even if he stood there and said he loved her she wouldn’t stay?”  Jared asked, completely interested in my assumption.

I nodded at his statement.  “Yes.  Because if she would have stayed she would have always wondered what else was out there.  Could they have been happy living alone for the rest of their lives?  Sure.  But there would always be that something that wasn’t there.  A life that could have been if she went.”

“You’re putting thoughts in her head.”  Vanessa said in a matter of fact tone.

“Excuse me?  She’s a fictional character, Ness.  I’m just saying what I think the author was alluding to.”

“So the author doesn’t believe in love?”  Vanessa countered.

I scoffed.  “Of course she believes in love.  I don’t think she would have written the ending like that otherwise.  I just think what she was saying was that love can exist through distance.  That two people can reach their means to an end without one another.  Even if the two of them never saw each other again, there would still be love for both of them.”

“He.”

I raised my eyebrows at Vanessa and willed my frustration to settle.  “What?”

“He.   You referred to the author as ‘she’ but Randle Gooding wrote it.”  I bit my tongue and shook my head.

“Sorry, of course.  He.”

“Well, I’ll agree to disagree with you.  I think that if Blake told Holly he really did love her she would have stayed.”

“Well that’s your opinion.”  I said flatly.  But I knew the truth.  She wouldn’t have stayed.  Even if he said he loved her.  She would have still left.

Chapter 4

March 2005

“Ow!  What the hell was that for?”  I rubbed my arm where a stinging sensation was still tingling my skin.  I looked over to Maddie who was laying still beside me.  Her mouth quirked into a smile.

“That was me yanking you out of whatever daydream you were having.”

I looked up at the dark night sky and chuckled.  “Is it still called a daydream if it’s night time?”

We were settled in my back yard laying on the grass and looking up at the stars.  I wondered if somewhere, someone else was doing the same thing away from city lights, wondering the same thing.  How many more stars did they see?  How many more tiny pinpricks of time invaded the night sky?  Did they too look up and wonder if that star was still even there anymore?

“What are you thinking about?”  I heard her ask.

“Just wondering if the stars we see are really still there.”

She grew silent and I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her mind.  “Do you think they are?”  She shifted her body towards me.  I didn’t dare look at her as I answered, knowing that the twinkling light of the night in her eyes would rival any starlit sky.

“I don’t know.  I guess it’s possible that they aren’t.  Seeing as we are looking millions of years back in time.”

“Hmm,” she murmured.

“What do you think?”  I only turned my head when I felt her readjust to lay on her back again.  One arm was cradling her neck as she stared up, contemplating.  “I think I don’t want to know.”  I waited.  “Even if they aren’t there we still see them as if they were.  It’s nice knowing that you can still see them even if they are gone.  ”

I stayed silent, agreeing with her.  I wished that would happen all the time, instead of just with the stars.

“Maybe…” Maddie started and then stayed quiet.  I turned on my side, giving her my full attention.  Her eyes drew into me and I waited for her to continue.  “Maybe they’re up there right now, looking down at us, or maybe it’s up to them, I don’t know…”  I took her hand as she rambled.  It was an action that we both became comfortable with these last months of being friends.  “Maybe they’re looking at us and we’re stars to them.  Wherever they are.”  She breathed out heavily.  “Does that sound stupid?”

I squeezed her warm hand.  “No.  I think it sounds nice.  Just thinking that my dad may be looking at me right now makes me feel warm inside.”

“Yeah, and maybe they are looking at us, at the stars, and wondering if we’re still really here.”  Her face turned grim.  “The only difference is we really are.”

I kept my hand held tight with hers as her thumb traced uneven patterns over my skin.  “They are still there too,” I said definitively.  I motioned toward the stars above and Maddie quieted.  Her thoughts now only her own and not meant for anyone else’s ears.

“Well, now that we’ve had our philosophical journey for the night I have to ask, are you excited about tomorrow?”

My face cracked into a wide smile.  “Of course I am.  I can’t wait to get these things off,” I pointed to the metal in my mouth.

“What’s the first thing you’re going to do?”  Maddie asked.

I thought for a moment and decided, “Buy a pack of gum and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Maybe even two!”

We laughed together at the hilarity of my choices.  “Are you still going out with what’s her name?”

I nodded my head as the sudden wave of anxiousness settled over me.  Tomorrow was my first real date with a real girl that actually really liked me.  Her name was Regan and she, like Maddie, was a transplant to our school.  She was out and proud and seeing as the Fab Five had settled down with the bullying ever since Maddie ‘claimed’ me, I didn’t feel the need to hide anymore.  Of course my mom still didn’t know.  That was something I still had to work up the courage for.  She thought that I was going to the movies with Maddie but instead I was hanging out with Regan.

“Are you sure you like her?”  Maddie asked me again.  She had been asking me since I told her last week about my pending date.

“Yeah.  She’s nice.  Why, don’t you like her?”  I was surprised with the pit that landed in my stomach.  Maddie’s opinion meant more to me than even my own and I wanted her approval more than anything.

I watched her shrug her shoulder, her voice seemingly miles away.  “Yeah, I guess.  But I just didn’t think you went for that type.”

“Type?”  I asked.

“Yeah.  You know.  Short hair, sort of boyish.”  She paused.  “She’s a total butch. I just thought you’d be into more of the girly types.”

Like you? My brain screamed for me to say it but I kept that to myself.  I didn’t even know if Maddie was interested in anyone.  Even if it would be a boy or a girl.  She never seemed to talk about her personal preferences but I figured if she was gay she would have already told me.  I considered Regan for a moment.  Yes, she had short hair and her style could be worn by a boy, but her face was feminine and pretty.  Not beautiful like Maddie, but still pretty.  “I don’t know what my type is.  Maybe it’s Regan, maybe it’s not.  I guess I’ll find out.”

“Yeah, I guess.”  She still sounded hesitant but right before I could ask her what was wrong she asked, “Do you want to come over so we can find you something to wear?”

I looked down at my clothes.  I wasn’t expecting to get all dolled up for the date.  I was just going to wear my usual jeans and top.  “Why?  Do I need to?”

Maddie chuckled and nudged my shoulder.  “Don’t you want to impress her on your first date?”

“I don’t know, do I?”  I wasn’t used to these types of things.  Wasn’t she already impressed if she asked me out?

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret, B.”  Maddie looked at me.  “Girls generally like to dress nice when going out on dates.”

“Hey! I dress nice!” I pushed her playfully as she chuckled.

“I’m not berating your style.  I’m just saying that she’s a total butch and will probably be dressed to impress.  Just putting it out there so you two love birds can match.”

“And what do I have to wear?”  I asked hesitantly.

“That’s what we will find out tomorrow.”  She smiled at me and my nerves started to go on overdrive.  Although Maddie’s wardrobe wasn’t overly girly it was still more feminine than what I usually wear.  And to top it off she was a good three inches taller than me.  Thank goodness she let me start running with her after school.  I had finally lost the weight I had gained and actually looked like a fit, normal, teenager.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll make sure you feel comfortable while still looking hot.”  Her eyes twinkled and for a moment the date slipped from my mind.  It was getting worse, this crush.  I knew it.  She didn’t.  And that’s how it was going to stay.

***

“I can’t believe you actually own a dress,” I shouted from inside her closet.  Maddie had pulled some articles of clothing out for me to wear and was currently in her room, on her bed, leafing through some teen magazine.

“It was for the lead in a musical I was in my freshman year.”  Her muffled reply came through the closed door.  I stopped suddenly as the dress fell into place on my hips.  Not even looking at myself in the mirror yet, I thought about her response.

“You sing?”  How had I not known that?

“Yeah.  I also dance and play the piano too.”

“Of course you do.  You don’t do anything half assed,” I muttered to myself.

“I heard that!”  She shouted.  My face warmed as I shook my head with a light laugh.

“Of course you did,” I muttered again.

“Heard that too!”  Still laughing lightly I finally took my reflection in.  The black spring dress fit me in all the right places.  It was sleeveless and fell just to above my knees.  I wondered what kind of musical Maddie had been in which required a dress to be so short.  Well obviously it wasn’t short on me, but on Maddie…

My mind drifts to an image of Maddie wearing the dress.  Probably coming to her mid-thigh, I swallow roughly as her image strides up to me.  Her gaze locked on mine, walking with the sway of her hips and telling me to ‘come here’ with a crook of her finger.  I shake myself out of it as I hear her ruffle the magazine papers.  What would happen if I came out of the closet (no pun intended) and did the same thing to her.  Would she laugh?  Would she run?  Would she say anything at all?

“Are you almost done in there?  Do you need help?”

“No! I mean-“I place my hand over my stomach as I smooth out the soft fabric, removing the nonexistent wrinkles.  “I’m almost done.  I’ll be out in a second.”  I stare at my reflection again and smile brightly.  I wasn’t used to seeing white instead of the dull gray of the metal.  I thought it was strange but Maddie said that it made me look even more beautiful.  I had to say that being friends with her definitely kicked my confidence up a notch.

I remove my glasses and grab a small case from the pocket of my jeans that had been previously discarded on the floor.  This was something that I hadn’t told Maddie about.  Two weeks ago I had gone for my yearly optometrist visit and she had told me that a company started making contacts with my prescription.  Mom said that I could try them and a few days ago they finally came in.  It felt weird at first, placing the soft lenses into my eyes, but once they adjusted I was astonished.  Not only did I not have to wear my glasses, but the lenses actually made my eyesight better.

I knew that I should have washed my hands before placing them in but I didn’t care.  I wanted Maddie to get the full effect.  She had already helped me with my hair and as I blinked a few times for the contacts to adjust the blur settled into sharp focus.  I stood there, staring in the mirror, not really knowing if that was really me.

I looked normal.  I looked like someone who wasn’t fumbling through life, wondering if she was beautiful, wondering if she didn’t have friends because she was gay or weird.  I was just a sixteen year old girl going out on her first date.

I breathed out one last time and took the handle of door, opening it.  My eyes settled on Maddie who glanced up from the magazine and then back down.  For a moment I thought that maybe the dress didn’t complement me as well as I thought.  Or maybe the contacts were playing tricks on my eyes.  But then her eyes slowly moved from the page and the magazine fell from her hand’s grasp.

She didn’t say anything but I don’t think she needed to.  Her look was confirmation enough that I looked good.

“Is it okay?”

I turned for her awkwardly and as I stood in my original position my skin tingled with every inch her eyes roamed.  Her mouth was slightly open and I waved my hands to knock her out of her stare.

“Maddie?”

She finally made eye contact with me and then blinked a few times.  She shook her head a little and mumbled.

“Uh, yeah.  Wow, it looks good.  Regan will be totally smitten.”

I smiled and she mimicked me, although I felt as though it wasn’t the usual bright smile she reserved for me.

“Are you forgoing the glasses tonight?”

I nodded my head.  “Yes, but only because I finally got contacts.”  I walked over to her, the small heels she told me to wear with the dress feeling not as awkward as I thought they would.

“Wow, so no more glasses?”  She almost sounded sad but I just ‘yeah.’

“So what time is she picking you up?”  Maddie got off the bed and stood, looking down at me.  Her arms were braced around her middle and her face stern.  She almost looked like a concerned mother.

“I’m meeting her at Shilo’s at six.”

Maddie rolled her eyes. “She’s not picking you up?  What is with this girl?  Doesn’t she know how to date?”

I raised my hand as if I was in school. “Uh, I don’t know how to date.  She wanted to pick me up but I thought it would be inconvenient since she lives closer to the restaurant and has to go out of her way just to get me.  So I told her I’d meet her there.”

“And how are you getting there?  You are so not taking the bus dressed like this.”  She motioned toward my outfit and I smiled a gracious smile.

Maddie knew me too well.  She knew what that smile meant.  “You’re killing me, B.  You want me to drop you off?”

“Please?  You’re my best friend.  And I really don’t want to take the bus either,” I grimaced at the thought of my legs touching the worn out fabric of the bus seats.  So gross.  In my thoughts I hadn’t even realized that I had called Maddie my best friend.  Was that a bad thing?  I mean, we never said it before but I thought that maybe it was common knowledge.  She already has a best friend in New York. That shook me out of my good mood.  Maybe it was wrong of me to say.

Maddie stood silent as she stared down at her shoes.  She kicked away a dust bunny that had fluttered in from the cool breeze from the open window.  “Fine, when you put it like that…” she glanced at her watch and then finally looked at me.  “We better get going.  You don’t want to be late for your date.”  I could tell that the easy going mood we usually share was nonexistent.  She was distant, not telling me something but I didn’t want to pry.  Maybe she was pissed because she had to drop me off.  I decided to ask her tomorrow, not wanting an argument to ruin the night.

***

Maddie stopped outside of the restaurant and put the car in park.  Keeping the engine running she asked, yet again, “You sure you want to do this?”  I rolled my eyes at her and she shut up quickly.  “Just be careful okay?  I know girls like Regan.  I don’t want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

She knew girls like Regan?  She hadn’t told me she hung out with lesbians back home.  Does that mean…Don’t go there.  You’re going out with Regan.  Now is not the time to wonder if Maddie is gay.

I placed an arm on a concerned Maddie’s shoulder.  “Don’t worry, Maddie, I promise I won’t do anything I’m uncomfortable with.”

She nodded her head once but didn’t look convinced.  “Okay.”  She said in finality.  I thanked her and opened the door, my nerves starting to take hold.  A part of me felt like this was happening to someone else.  Like I was in a movie, watching some character going through the turmoil of a first date.

“Hey, B?”  Maddie stuck her head out of the window and I turned towards her.  “You look breathtaking.”  I held her eyes.  The ones that made me start thinking that there was something more there.  Something more than friendship.  They were the windows to her soul and a part of me thought that maybe she was reaching out, trying to tell me but not letting herself fully.  I almost went to her then as our stare held on for longer than what a normal friendship called for.  I thought I saw her hands go to turn off the engine but before she could make a final move her face clouded.

“Hey, B.  Wow, you look amazing,” the voice that sounded behind me was deep and distinctively not Maddie’s.  My back immediately tensed as I watched Maddie peel out of the parking lot before I turned to Regan.

She was dressed in a nice, white button up shirt and jeans with black Vans finishing her look.  Her hair was done in a messy yet ‘I meant for it to be like this’ style.  My heart fluttered a bit as she took my hand and pulled me in for a hug.   She was strong, almost too strong, and I squeaked at the tight possessiveness.  Although I had to admit it felt nice being the object of someone else’s affection, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to green eyes and what exactly her look meant.

In the days after I would have loved to say that I asked Maddie about that night, why she looked like she wanted to take me in her arms and never let go but I couldn’t get passed the girl inside that was always telling herself she wasn’t deserving.  So instead, Maddie and I fell back into our playful friendship, never once talking about that night again.

Chapter 5

September 2015

“Mom?  Are you home?”  I closed the door to my house and shuffled into the kitchen, filling the tea kettle and placing it on the stove.  Without waiting for my mother’s response, I placed two cups next to the kettle and waited, staring at my reflection in the metal object.  My face distorted around the wide mirrored belly and my eyes had merged into one.  It was strange to know that I was staring at me, but none of my features were the same.  A ghost of someone that didn’t really exist.

“Hey, sweetie, you’re back early.”  I turned toward my mother and smiled softly.  She was already ready for bed in her pink robe and fuzzy slippers.  She had pulled her hair in a loose knot low on her neck and her eyes seemed tired.

“Tea?”  I asked as the kettle started to scream.  I turned off the heat and poured two generous cups, allowing the bags to bob like a buoys.

“Thank you,” my mother watched me from over her cup, her eyes following my movements as I stepped out of the kitchen quickly and returned with my laptop.  I placed the machine down next to my own cup of tea and powered it up.  My mother’s brows raised in wonderment.

“What?”  I asked as I felt her gaze on me.  I opened an application on my computer and stared at the blank page.  The words were right there and my fingers moved to type but my mother’s glare made me hesitant.

“What are you writing?”  She asked.

I looked over the opened lid of the laptop and took a scolding sip of tea.  I winced as the hot water burned my throat.  “I’ve decided to write another.”

My mother’s concern was evident.  “Another?  Wasn’t the last one the final in the series?”

I sighed as I took a more relaxed posture.  It was supposed to be the last.  I hadn’t envisioned anything after the final story but after speaking with Vanessa, I realized so many things were left unsaid.

“It was.  But…”  I chewed on my bottom lip as I watched the curser blink in and out of my vision.  The blank screen unfolded a series of scenes in my mind’s eye.  Characters dancing across the pages as if they were real.

“Oh,” my mother said through the silence.  She nodded her head as if she came to some conclusion that I was unaware of.  I just sat there looking at her, waiting for her to explain her sudden understanding.  “You saw the movie.”

If she had expected me to do anything else but just sit there and stare at her, she would have been mistaken.  She knew I didn’t want to talk about it.  Even after the days when Maddie had left I didn’t talk about it. She knew that there would be no going back to the topic of the particular blonde.

“I did.”  I tried to sound uninterested.  It was normal for a writer to want to see the movie that her book was derived from.  It didn’t matter that her once best friend who she had no interest in talking about or seeing was playing the lead actor.

“Mhmm.  And now all of a sudden you want there to be another?”

I scoffed.  “I just realized after talking to Vanessa that there are a lot of loose ends.”

“Your reviews for the final book were outstanding, B.  Randle Gooding was named one of the top writers for the last three years because of it.  You aren’t doing this because…”  She stopped, her way of getting me to talk without herself saying the words.  She knew how to work my unease.

“Of course not!”  I said quickly.  I wasn’t doing this for Maddie.  I wasn’t doing this for anyone but myself.  I bit my tongue as I counted to ten, trying to steady my nerves.  “It’s just…when I wrote the first book it was something in my head that I needed to get out.  If I would have known that you would find it and would have it sent it out to your editor friend I wouldn’t have even wrote it.”  I ran my fingers through my dark locks, taking quick glances at my mother.  “But I am grateful for it, please don’t ever think that I am not.  I didn’t realize that it would gain so much attention after it was published.  I mean, it’s just about a girl who falls in love at a time that isn’t ideal.”

“It was a story about your life,” my mother pointed at me and I rolled my eyes.

“It wasn’t a story about my life, well not unless a rare parasitic disease has come through and wiped out 99% of the population and I wasn’t aware of it.”  I tried to get my mom to chuckle but her glare was like stone.

“You wrote about a young woman and man who met at a time in their lives when they needed friendship the most.  And then throughout the next books you had them fall in love, only to have one leave in the end even though we both know they belonged together.”

I held my hands up in mock surrender.  “You and Vanessa should talk.  You both have the same thought on this subject.”

“And what are you trying to say?  That they don’t belong together?”

“Of course not.”  I spurted out.  My mother gave me that look that Asked ‘why’.  “Blake doesn’t deserve her.  He is a shell of a human being.  Even if she would have stayed he would have held her back from doing what she was destined to do.”

“And did you ever ask if Maddie really wanted to go?  Or did you just assume she did because she told you that her dream was to become an actress?

I bit my tongue so hard that the faint taste of metallic iron flooded my mouth.  “I didn’t have to assume.  And this isn’t about Maddie.”  She continued even though I know my tone was solid enough to let her know I didn’t want to talk about it.

“You basically told her to leave, B.  And she did.  She left to go back to New York.  You knew she was struggling to find a career out there and this was during a time that a young author got a lucky break with an amazing story.  Once you found out that Sony wanted your book for the big screen you immediately told Liz to call Josh and tell him you wanted her for the job.  It was your one stipulation for Sony to have the rights of the book.”

“And what is your point exactly?  Am I a horrible person for wanting Maddie to have what she always wanted in life?”  My throat closed up and I felt the sting of tears starting to burn.

“No, of course you aren’t.  It’s just a testament to how much you care about her. But…”

Of course, I knew a ‘but’ was coming.

“Even you have to think that all of this could have played out with her being here and not three thousand miles away.”

“The movie was shot in New York.”

“Because that’s where you wrote the story to take place.”

“I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”  I waved my hands as I closed the laptop lid.  My mother grabbed my hands and I willed them to stop shaking.

“You’re good enough for her.  You always were and I hate it that you think otherwise.”

“I…” I tore my eyes away from my mother.  “I just need to write a real ending, you know?  A final one, without wondering if she ever comes back or not.”

“And what have you decided?  Does she come back?”  My mother raised her eyebrow at me.

“I don’t know.”  I whispered.

Chapter 6

January 2016

“Ms. Montgomery?”  I look up from my desk and smile at Denise.  She was holding her backpack on one shoulder, her body tense and a faint blush on her fair cheeks.  I waved her in and shifted in my seat to a more relaxed position.  I could already tell the girl was nervous about something.

“Hey Denise, how was your winter break?”  I asked her, trying to relieve some tension.

She breathed out as she stood next to my desk.  “It was good.  Fast, but still good.”  I chuckled.

“So what’s up?”  I watched as Denise shifted from foot to foot and then finally she met my gaze, albeit, hesitantly.

“You went to school here right?”

I nodded trying to understand where she was trying to go with this conversation.  Denise was one of my brightest students.  Communications is not an easy thing to teach in high school, but I thought having the class which is normally taught in college was one good idea that the high school offered.

“Yes…” I drew out.

“Was there ever a GSA?”

The pencil I was holding almost broke under my grasp.  “A GSA?”  I asked knowing what it was but buying some time to organize my thoughts.

“Yeah, a gay straight alliance?  It’s a club where LGBT kids and allies join to talk about issues within the community.”  She tilted her head at me and I felt her gaze heat my skin.  I wasn’t sure if she knew I was a lesbian.  It wasn’t something that I had hidden after high school but still, I didn’t feel like my students needed to know anything in my personal life.

“No, I don’t think there was.  Even though homosexuality was more bearable there were still more stigmas against kids who were gay or transgendered.”

She nodded her head as she removed a sheet of paper from her back pack and placed it in front of me.  “I want to start one this year.  I’m not gay but my brother is and he’s graduating this year from junior high.  I want him to have a safe place when he comes to school next year, especially with me graduating.”

I overviewed the details of the club and felt pride well up inside of me for this girl.  She was strong and her motivation for starting this club was even stronger.  I looked up at her and smiled brightly.

“I think that’s a great idea.  I think a lot of kids would benefit from this.”  I picked up the paper and held it out to her but she didn’t take it.

“In order to start a club, you have to have a teacher mentor.  I was wondering if you could help out.”

“Oh,” I looked down again at the details and cursed at myself for missing the part about the mentorship.  If I did this then the majority of students would assume I was gay.  You are gay.  How would change the way that they look at me?  Would they still respect me even?  I sat still fumbling with paper in my hands, knowing that Denise was waiting for a response.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.  I just know how you’re against prejudices and think that you would give us some insight on how to discuss the problems associated within the school since you teach speech.”

Her argument was clear and concise and I patted my back for teaching her how to give a compelling statement.  With a heavy hand I removed a pen from my drawer and scribbled my signature on the bottom.  Handing her over the paper I knew I had done the right thing when her face lit up in a bright smile.

“I think what you’re doing is very admirable.  I would be more than happy to help you and whoever joins the club out.”

She looked so happy that I was afraid she would squeal but instead she gave me a thank you and took the paper and headed out the door.  For a moment I thought about Bryan and how he was sure to say something if the club ever received members but then I pushed that thought aside.  The fact was that people like Bryan Donnelly were slowly becoming extinct.  Maybe they would never truly vanish but there was definitely more support than derisive comments.

***

“Mom, did you know that those kids are moving out?”  I looked over at the next door neighbor’s house as four young men grabbed boxes and placed them in a large U-Haul.  A part of me was relieved knowing that the loud parties would soon be a thing of the past.  I still couldn’t believe that Maddie had allowed four young kids to rent the house that her grandmother left her after her passing.

“Oh yes, I talked to one of the boys this morning.  He said their lease was up and the owner didn’t offer them to renew.”  Mom said it in such a fashion that left a lot to be said.

“Is she selling it?”  The knot in my stomach wrung tighter.  I wasn’t sure why I cared so much.   Maddie had told me that she never planned on selling the home, but she was sure she would never move back in either.

“I don’t think so.  They said that they think someone else is moving in, since they got a call from the property manager telling them that a new tenant would be moving in and they needed to get all of their stuff out before six.”

I looked over to my mother and then the boys who were now in a sword battle with two long cardboard tubes.

“I hope whoever she chose is at least quieter.  I’m not going to miss the loud parties, that’s for sure.”  My mother chuckled.

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy the new neighbors.”  I eyed my mother warily.  That mischievous glint was never a good sign.

“What do you know that you’re not telling me?”  My mother waved her hand at me as she retreated from the window.  I looked back out, the boys now practicing their karate moves and I hoped that my mother was right.  A part of me also wished that in the next coming days I would see a certain blonde figure walking out of the house but that was only my wishful thinking.  Maddie had said she would never move back, and I didn’t blame her.  There was nothing left for her here.

***

May 2005

“You’re really not going to prom?”

Maddie held an exasperated look and rolled her eyes.  “Let’s see…hanging out alone with a bunch of horny and probably wasted teenagers?  Where do I sign up?”  The sarcastic statement was comedic but I still pressed.

“But you wouldn’t be alone.  You would be with me.”  I smiled at her but she didn’t return the gesture.  “You could hang out with me and Regan.”  Her shoulders noticeably tensed at the sound of Regan’s name.  It was obvious to me that Maddie didn’t like my girlfriend.  It wasn’t like she was ever mean to Regan but there was something about the girl that Maddie just did not click with.

“I’ll pass.  I don’t like being the third wheel.”  Maddie moved to a more comfortable position on her bed as I twirled in her desk chair.

“You know, you could always ask someone to go with so you don’t feel left out.  There are a ton of people that would be more than willing to go with you.”  I had to get Maddie to come.  I was on a mission and there really were a lot of people that were vying over Maddie’s attention.  But there was never anyone that she seemed interested in which made me concerned for my friend.  “What about Jonathan Daniels?  He really likes you.”

Maddie stuck a finger in her mouth.  “J.D. is too much.  I keep telling him to lay off but he still doesn’t get it.”  I couldn’t understand why Maddie was so hard on him.  He was handsome and popular.  Jenna had tried to date him for most of the year but his sights were only set on Maddie.  Something in the pit of my stomach fluttered but I pushed it down.  I had managed to keep my crush on Maddie dormant but talking about her dating always seemed to release a few jealous butterflies.

“Greg Adams?”  I asked raising an eyebrow.  Maddie shook her head.  “Tim Jones?”  Again a shake of her head.  I waited a beat and then I said, “Becky Livingston?”  Maddie barked a laugh and threw one of her pillows at me.  I caught it before it had a chance to drop to the ground.

“As if! First off Becky is very straight.  Secondly, even if she wasn’t she would be way out of my league.”

“Oh gosh, like anyone is really out of your league, Mads.”  I threw the pillow back to her and she chuckled.  I knew that she was in a playful mood so I didn’t take her response about Becky too seriously.  Maddie really disliked talking about her personal life and I just came to the conclusion that she wasn’t into boys, girls or anyone for that matter.  Her mind was on one thing; getting back to New York after graduation to try and make it in the Big City.  Even the thought of it made me nervous but I figured I would deal with those feelings when the time came.

“What does that mean?”  She asked as she placed the pillow under her head and laid on it.  I chewed my lip contemplating her question.  Did she really not know how beautiful she is?

“Just that you’re probably the hottest girl in school and everyone knows it.  Why do you think Jenna always mad dogs you when you pass her by?  All of her interests are more interested in getting with you than with her.”  I snickered but Maddie was looking at me with a serious expression.

“You think I’m hot?”  She asked.  She tried to make her tone playful but it wavered at the end.  I swallowed and looked away, staring out across her window and into my room.

“I don’t have to think it.  You just are.”  I shrugged my shoulders as I watched my mom walk in and pick up my laundry.  She looked over at me and our eyes met through the expanse of branches.  She made a face at me and I laughed waving at her.

“When are you planning on telling her?”  Maddie asked as the silence between us broke.  I sighed heavily and was secretly grateful that she had changed the subject from a few minutes ago.

“Soon.”

“So things are going well with what’s her name?”

I wish I had another pillow to throw at Maddie.  She never actually used Regan’s name and sometimes I just wanted to shake her to get her out of that funk.

“Yeah, I guess.”  I didn’t talk too much about my relationship with Regan to anyone.  Not even really to Regan herself.  Was it fun hanging out with the girl?  Of course it was.  Regan was funny and charming and a great kisser.  But I had to admit that something wasn’t there.  I couldn’t place my finger on it or give it words but I just didn’t feel like it was going to last much longer.

“What do you mean, ‘you guess’?  You guys have only been together for a month.  It should be all rainbows and butterflies.”

I met Maddie’s stare as one of those said butterflies flew into my stomach and all around my skin making me warm from the inside out.  “It’s nice, but I just don’t know if she’s really for me.”  Maddie shot up as she took interest in my words.  I gave her a weird look and she seemed to settle.

“What do you mean?  Is she trying to get you to do things you’re not ready for?  Because if she is...”  Maddie made a fist and slapped her hand.

“It’s not that.  I told her I’d let her know when I’m ready and she hasn’t really pushed much…but…”  I kept my eyes on Maddie.  “Shouldn’t I want to be ready?  I mean, when we kiss it’s nice but I just don’t feel…”  I motioned with my hands trying to find the words.

“Passion?”  She asked.  Her voice was raspy as if she just woke up and the tone settled deep within my stomach.

“Yeah.  Passion.  That’s a good way to describe it.  Shouldn’t I feel passion when we kiss?”  I asked my own voice turning softer as Maddie traced my eyes with her own.  My heart was starting to race and the loud rush of blood in my ears was deafening.  The air between us was growing thicker with an intensity of something and I was immediately brought back to that night of my first date with Regan.  Regan, your girlfriend, remember?  I shook myself out of our trance and smiled shyly.  “Anyways, maybe that’s just something that comes later.”

“Yeah, maybe.”  Maddie said as she laid back down on the bed.  “Or you’re not really that into her because she’s not your type.”

“Yeah, maybe she’s not.”  Maddie’s head turned toward mine at the confession.  I knew that she was just teasing me but I really did need to talk about this.  About what my thoughts were telling me.  “Maybe I’m not gay.”  I shrugged my shoulders.  “I think Regan is pretty but if I was gay I think my body would be more willing with her.”  I scrubbed my face with my hands as the words took form.  “Maybe I was all wrong about everything.  Does that ever happen?”

Maddie chuckled and I grew frustrated.  How could she laugh at a time like this?  “Do you really think you’re not a lesbian?”  Maddie asked.  “Do you look at a hot guy and think, ‘yeah I would totally do him.’”  I grimaced and Maddie pointed at me.  “See.  You think it’s gross.  Now, have you ever seen a girl and thought the same?”

I nodded my head as only one person came to mind and then all of the fogginess in my brain cleared.  I had been worried that maybe I misidentified my sexuality.  But it wasn’t that I didn’t feel anything for women at all.  I thought that Regan was attractive but I just didn’t feel anything for her because I was in love with Maddie.  My heart stopped as I thought it again. I am in love with Maddie.  I felt my eyes widen at the realization and I quickly stood up.  Maddie followed me with her own eyes as her brows furrowed.

“I gotta go, sorry.  I forgot that I…need to do something.”  I gathered my backpack and waved at her and then started to run down the stairs.  I heard her yelling after me but I didn’t turn back. I ran up to my room and closed the door settling my head on the cool wood and slowing my breathing.  I was in love with Maddie.  I was in love with the only girl who ever showed me true friendship.  I was in love with the person who everyone wanted but no one could have.  How did I let my crush get so deep?  How did I get here?  When my breath finally settled I removed myself from the door and turned.  Immediately I locked eyes with her over the branches of the wide oak.  She was staring at me with concern and something else I couldn’t place.  But with a wave of my hand I let her know I was okay and then, with a heavy heart, I shut the blinds.

I had decided that following week to break it off with Regan.  She didn’t deserve to be with someone who harbored feelings for someone else.  I had been nervous but in the end Regan gave me a hug and asked if I still wanted to go to prom with her.  I told her that it was for the best if we didn’t and she seemed okay with it.  She even joked saying that Becky Livingston was her next choice; that made me laugh.

I didn’t tell Maddie why I broke up with Regan.  I let her believe that I had left her because I wasn’t feeling what I should and that things just weren’t working out.  She didn’t press but I noticed that she seemed happier during those days after the break up.  The light, easy going girl that I knew was back and I was okay with things the way they were.

Would I have liked to tell Maddie about my feelings?  Of course.  I think any sane person going through these rocky motions would have.  But there was so much on the line.  I didn’t know if Maddie was even gay and I was too scared to ask.  What if she said no?  Then my heart would be broken.  What if she said yes?  I thought about that for a moment and the dread creeped inside of me.  Even if Maddie was gay she would never want to be with someone like me.  I was still self-conscious about my looks and wasn’t as confident of a person that she needed.  Plus, Maddie was beautiful and carefree.  And leaving.

“What’s going on with you,” my mother asked as she placed dinner in front of me.  I took my fork and started to push around the chicken and string beans.

“Nothing,” I said as my mother stared me down from across the table.

“Is this about your friend of yours?  Regan?”  My fork clattered loudly as it fell from my fingers.  The nervousness welled up inside as I tried to place my mother’s true intent.  Finally I let out a breath.  Now was as good as a time than any other.

“Yes.” I whispered.  My mother nodded but her eyes steeled.  Did she already know?  Was she okay with it?

“Did she break your heart?”  Well at least one of my questions was answered.  I sat there staring at my mother with wide eyes.  Her gaze was still fierce but it was out of protection and not hate.

“No.  I broke up with her.”  The words were out before I even had a chance for my mind to explain it more gently to her.  I had already researched how to come out to your parents but obviously I didn’t follow any of those suggestions.

My mother’s eyes widened and then a smile formed on her lips.  She tilted her head to the left as she inquired, “She didn’t make you do anything you weren’t ready for, did she?”  Stomach acid threatened at my throat as I thought about talking to my mom about my sex life, or lack thereof.  I widened my eyes at her question and laughed.

“God no, she was nice.  It just wasn’t working out.”  With a simple nod my mother started to eat. I waited for her to say something. I half expected a lecture about safe sex but nothing came.

“Are you okay with it?  I mean, with me being a…” I backtracked, “with me being gay?”

I watched my mother take a sip of her water and considered me for a moment.  She was probably trying to think of the best way to tell me she was disappointed in me.  I read the forums and the stories of things like this happening.  I waited as I willed myself to stay strong.  I knew that parents had coming out periods too.

“I know I’m not around a lot and I think that in a way I’ve failed you.”  Her eyes started to water as I forced my mouth closed.

“Mom, I’m not gay because you work a lot.”  I didn’t understand what her point was.  She chuckled at my obvious confusion.

“I know you’re not gay because of that sweetie.  I kind of assumed you were like this when you didn’t talk about boys and started hanging around Maddie a lot last year.”  Her eyes twinkled as my face warmed.  I didn’t elaborate on that last statement.

“So you knew?” She nodded. “Then why are you blaming yourself?”

“Because I should have been there for you.  You should have been able to talk to me about it all and I wasn’t there for that.  Sometimes I see you as so grown up and independent that I forget you’re still my baby.”  Her tears were falling freely now and I couldn’t stop the ones that were starting to form in my own eyes.  I stood up and walked over to her hugging her tightly.

“I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything.  You’re doing the best you can and you’re a single mom now with me to support.  I just hope that one day I’m able to do the same for you.”  We stayed there silent for a few moments until both of our tears dried.  She leaned back, releasing me and smiled.

“I just want you to be happy, B.  That’s all a mother really wants for their child.”  She paused, “You are happy aren’t you?”

I nodded because in that moment I was.  I was finally out to my mother and she accepted me with open arms.

“Thank you,” I told her.  “Thank you for understanding and thank you for just being my mom.”  She placed her hand on my face and breathed in deeply.

“Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about rules.”  My eyebrows rose as she smiled.  “Don’t think that just because you’re gay you don’t get the same rules about girls that you would about boys.”

I rolled my eyes at my mother but I secretly loved it.  I felt as though the world was finally on my side.

***

“You don’t think this is too much?”  I asked my mother as we strung up the last bit of lights in the living room.  I looked around the dimly lit area and my nerves skyrocketed.  This was a stupid idea.

“No, of course not.  Your father did the same thing for me before you were born.  He found out that I never went to my prom and he knew I had regretted it so he brought the prom to me.”  My mom chuckled. “Even though it was years later.”  Her eyes glossed over, reliving old memories.

“But the difference is that Maddie and I aren’t a couple.  She’s just my friend.  You don’t think she’ll feel uncomfortable?”

The room had a romantic atmosphere and I thought about just cutting the idea all together.  Why did I have to even mention to my mom that Maddie wasn’t going to prom?  We could have just hung out and watched movies all night instead of this cheesy display of friendship.

“Please.  You and Maddie are best friends.  She won’t think it’s stupid.”  My mom started to walk off but then turned, “but if anything does happen between you tonight…no sleeping in the same bed.”  She lifted a finger and I had to laugh at her ‘strict’ tone.

“Mom, nothing is happening between us.  She’s not like me.”

“Don’t be so sure of yourself, B.  I’ve seen the way that girl looks at you.”  I chewed on my bottom lip and wanted to ask ‘how’ Maddie looked at me but I fought against the urge.  I didn’t want to know.  I didn’t want false hope.

My mother left for her night shift and I stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room.  My palms were sweating and my anxiety was at the highest it had ever been.  I had sent Maddie a text to meet me at my house at eight because my mother was having a party.  I told her to dress nice, preferably in a dress, seeing as my mom’s boss would be attending.  She sent back a *groan* text which made me laugh but she also said she wouldn’t be late.

Now the clock read 7:59 and I was wondering if in one minute I could cancel everything and just meet her at her house instead.  By the time my mind told my hand to take out my phone it was simultaneously registering the doorbell.  I breathed in a deep breath and opened the door.  There was no reason to be nervous.  It was just Maddie.  Just the girl I was head over heels in love with.

“Uh, hi,” Maddie said as she stuck her head in the door.  I smiled at her, forcing myself to calm down and moved from the door to let her in.  She took in the décor and twirled, her short sleeveless emerald dress spinning with her.  My heart stopped for a moment and I thought that maybe I would need someone to help resuscitate me.  Would it be too cliché if I wanted it to be the girl in front of me?

“What is this?  Where is everyone?”  Maddie turned to me and smiled.  “You look nice.” She added at the end.

I shook my head as her bright smile infectiously moved through every vein in my body.  “Yeah, about that party.  That was just a ruse to get you over here.”  I said honestly.  She stared with a confused gaze and I continued.  “I didn’t think that you would be so keen on the idea of going to prom, so I brought the prom to you.”  I held up my hands as her smile faded.  She looked around the room again as she took in every detail.  Every light.  Every flower. The punch bowl on the table with white linens and soft music playing in the background.

“You’re serious?  This is for me?”  She finally asked as her turn ended facing me.  I nodded at her and waited.  I tried to place her expression but I couldn’t read her.  Lately I was finding it more difficult to know what she was thinking.

“I know it’s corny.  But my mom said that she regretted not going to her prom and I didn’t want you to go through the same thing.”  I waited yet again for her to speak but she just stood there staring at me.  “And now I know it was probably a stupid idea.  So instead we can just watch a movie and hang out on the couch…”

I was quieted by a hand on my arm, pulling me in for a hug.  Maddie wrapped her body around me and tightened her arms.  I felt protected, warm, loved, and breathed in her peach perfume.  My senses were over loaded and I forced myself not to allow my hands to roam across the skin on her bare back.

“Thank you, B.  No one has ever done anything like this for me.”

She pulled away as she stared into my eyes.  Her gaze was intense yet soft, just like everything about her.  How was it possible that she could make my heart race with just that one look?  I watched as her green eyes slid over my face and land on my lips.  In response my own parted.  How badly I wanted her own lips where her eyes stayed.  With a forced thought I pulled away from her and diverted the heated gaze, not knowing why my body didn’t listen to my brain.

“Want something to drink?”  Maddie cleared her throat as she nodded and we moved over to the punch bowl.   That night we danced and laughed and talked about everything.  From our classes to her graduation, but both not nearing the topic of her eventual departure.  That wasn’t a topic for tonight. Not a night that was so full of fun and laughter.

By midnight we were both exhausted and Maddie thanked me again before she decided it was time to leave.  I offered to walk her and she accepted and at that moment I had wished that she lived further, just so I could have some more time with her.

“I can’t thank you enough, B.  What you did for me was better than any prom.”

I barked a laugh.  “I really didn’t know what you would think of it, seeing as you were so against going.”  We made it to her door but she didn’t turn the knob.  Instead she faced me.

“I wasn’t against going.  It’s just that the person I really wanted to go with is sort of unavailable.”  My heart constricted at her words.  It was the first time she ever said she had been interested in someone and immediately I felt the world crash in around me.  So much for it finally being on my side.

Before I could torture myself and ask ‘who’ she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and opened her door.  She gave me one last smile and a ‘good night’ before I was standing there alone, looking at the peeling white paint.  I forced myself to breathe and take the first step towards home.  The feeling of cold surrounded me despite the warmth of the night and as I unplugged the lights in the living room and entered my dark room I couldn’t help but take one last look over across the oak branches.  I watched as Maddie sat on her bed with her head in her hands.  She looked defeated and vulnerable and so much of me wished I was with her to wipe that fear away.  She took a glance over to me and for a moment I stood still, not knowing if she could see me or not.  I watched her go to her door to open it but then she hesitated and shook her head.  Moving to the window she took one more glance out of it before she drew the curtains closed.

Chapter 7

February 2016

I entered the kitchen as I rummaged around, famished for something to eat.  I had gotten stuck at lunch grading papers and had forgotten to eat.  Sometimes I wondered why I worked when I could live off the royalties from my books but I just shook my head.  I loved teaching and wouldn’t give it up for the world.

When my eyes came across a premade lasagna dish my mouth started to water.  I took out the large casserole and peeked under the aluminum foil, the smell of marinara sauce already assaulting my senses.

“Nu uh, not for you.”  My mother came into the kitchen and slapped my hands away, folding the aluminum foil back in its proper spot.

“Hey, why not?”  I asked with a pout.  I went for the dish again and my mother blocked me.

“Because this is for the new neighbor.  I was actually hoping you could drop it off for me.  I’m on night shift again tonight.”  My mother picked up the tray and plopped it into my hands.  I inwardly groaned.

“Why do I have to do it?  Can’t you just take it tomorrow morning?”  I pleaded with her but her stern look was more than enough for me to shut my mouth.

“Just bring it over and I’ll make you a sandwich or something before I leave.”  I stomped my foot like a child thinking that I could be eating lasagna instead of ham and cheese sandwich.  My mother chuckled as she showed me to the door.  “Don’t throw a tantrum and meet the woman.  She’s nice.  You’ll like her.”  With one last look over my shoulder she added, “And be nice, Beatrice.”

My lip twitched at my full name and muttered a not so nice provocative word under my breath.

I knocked on the front door, the paint now a beautiful clean white.  Over the last few weeks cleaning and construction crews came and went, tiding the house up for the new tenant.  I didn’t even want to think how much Maddie had to pay in order to get the house back to living order.  Those kids had probably trashed it.

“Come in!” I heard from inside.  I looked around me stupidly, not thinking that the invitation was meant for me.  Maybe this woman was expecting someone?  I thought about placing the lasagna down at the front step and then leaving but my manners got the best of me.

I opened the door as I stuck my head in.  I hadn’t been inside this house for a decade but the familiar decorating and colors was enough for my tension to slowly ease.  “Hello?” I called out. “I’m from next door.  My mother wanted me to send you over a house warming gift.”  I waited for someone to answer but the voice never came.  I made my way through the foyer and then to the kitchen.  I placed the lasagna down on the table and turned to leave.  I guess I would have to introduce myself later.

“Oh, please tell me it’s your mom’s lasagna.  If you do I swear I’ll love you forever.”

I think I’ve only been speechless three times in my life.  The first when I found out my father died.  The second when Maddie told me she was leaving and the third at this precise moment.  I couldn’t speak but I could damn well stare as I watched Maddie peel back the aluminum foil and take a deep whiff of the lasagna.  I took in everything about her.  From her long, curly waves to the way her t-shirt and jeans fit her toned body.  I knew that Maddie was a beautiful girl but as a woman she was simply breathtaking.

“Hello?  Are you in there?”  Maddie was waving her hands in my face and that seemed to knock me out of my stupor.  I stared at her as my embarrassment showed heavily.

“What are you doing here?”  I finally asked.  I don’t know if it sounded accusatory or just plain fascinated but I needed to know why Maddie was in this kitchen, with me, right now.

“I live here now.  I decided to move back after your mom called me and told me about how crazy those kids were.”  Maddie took the lasagna over to the stove and pushed some buttons.  The wheels in my head turned as I started placing what she just said.

“My mother?”  I watched as Maddie bent over to place the lasagna in the oven and I quickly diverted my eyes.  I didn’t want to be caught looking.

“Yeah.  She didn’t tell you?”  She looked over at me and suddenly her smile fell.  “Oh, you thought that I...you had no idea I was back.”

I shook my head confirming her suspicion.  “She told me to come over to introduce myself to the ‘new neighbor’.”

Maddie laughed softly.  “And she told me that you were coming over for dinner and that she would make us a meal since I don’t have any food stocked up yet.”

We both sighed in unison.  “Was she always this meddling when we were kids?”  I asked after a few moments of silence.  Maddie’s smile widened as she took a few steps, closing the distance between us.

“She probably was but we were so engrossed in everything teenager that we didn’t notice.”  She tilted her head slightly and then said, “Hey, B.”  The way she said my name weakened something inside.  My heart tightened, and the butterflies I thought had long gone made their appearance from a time once forgotten.

“Hey, Mads.”  She smiled as she opened her arms, never one to allow moments to get away from her.  I hugged her tightly in turn and before it became awkward, I pulled away.

“It’s been what?  Ten years?”

I nodded as she moved away from me, opening her refrigerator and pulling out two beers.  She lifted one up in invitation and I again nodded at her.  She removed the cap, throwing it into the trash can and placing the beverage next to me at the table.  She took her own seat and looked at me, taking in what time had changed.

“You look great.”

“Thanks.  So do you.  Looks like you’re not eating though.  What do they feed you in New York?”  I took a chance to glance at her body.  It was obvious that my words were teasing as Maddie always had a perfectly proportional body.  She had curves where there should be and lean, toned muscles that she perfected throughout the years.

Maddie laughed as she sipped her beer.  “Definitely not lasagna, I’ll tell you that.  I have a feeling I’ll be in the gym twice as much just living next to you again.”

“I can’t believe you’re back, really.  You always said you’d stay in New York.  What changed?”  I was seriously curious what could have driven her back out here.

“Well, after I finished the series I decided that there wasn’t really anything there for me anymore.  Plus there are a lot more opportunities out here for movies and shows so I thought it was the best move.  New York would have been great if I wanted to do theater but that’s just exhausting.”

“So you’re looking for work?”  I asked in conversation. I wanted to steer clear of the movie’s success.  There were only a few people who knew about the true identification of Randle Gooding and I had planned to keep it that way for a while.

“Not right now.  I’m just enjoying this break.  I will have to get out there eventually though.  Just to keep my name fresh in everyone’s mind.  What about you?  Your mom said that you’re teaching?”

I took a long swig of my beer and nodded.  “Yes.  I teach communication at none other than Granada Hills High.”  I smiled as she almost spurted out her drink.  She looked at me with wide eyes and then laughed with a fit.

“You cannot be serious.  Out of all the high schools in the area, you chose to go back to good old GHHS?”

“What can I say?  I’m a stickler for punishment.”  I sighed as she continued to laugh.

“Has it changed at all?”

“Well, some of it has.  A few years back some seniors snuck on campus during the night and cut that big pine tree down in the middle of the quad, so they took the opportunity to renovate.  And they went Charter so everyone has to wear uniforms.”

“How are the kids?”

“They’re okay.  It’s a lot like it was when we were going there.  There are still those select few that get away with things they shouldn’t but for the most part everyone is accepting.  I even mentor the GSA.”

Her smile widened.  “That’s great.  I could see you being a good mentor for them. Do they know?”

She didn’t have to explain that she was asking if they knew I was gay.  “They know that I’m accepting of it and they may assume that I’m a lesbian but I’ve never come out and said it directly.  I’m out in almost every aspect of my life, but I tend to keep that to myself in my profession.”

Maddie twirled her almost empty beer bottle in her fingers.  “I can understand that.  You don’t want people to judge you based on who you sleep with.”  It sounded like she knew from experience and maybe she did.  Maddie was still very much an enigma when it came to her personal interests.  I had followed her here and there throughout the years of her becoming a well-known celebrity.  Of course there were rumors of her dating some Hollywood heartthrob but she never had commented on her relationship status.  Whether it being in a relationship with a female or male, she managed to keep her personal life away from the cameras.  It was unsettling slightly that I still didn’t know.  Even after everything that happened.

“Are you dating anyone?”  Maddie asked me.  The oven timer beeped and she moved toward the stove.  I watched her as she removed the lasagna and pulled two plates from the cabinet.  Placing the food carefully on the plates, she looked over her shoulder waiting for my answer.

“No.  I haven’t seem to find that perfect person yet.”  She smiled over at my response as she returned with two steaming plates of lasagna.  My mouth watered at the smell and I had to settle myself and not dig in like a barbarian.

“Is that what you’re looking for?  Someone who is perfect?”  She teased and I smiled over a mouthful of food.

“You know what I mean.  I haven’t found anyone that holds my interest to stay long term.”

I knew we were getting into dangerous territory.  The past was sneaking up fast but I was sure that if I could divert it if it came to close.  And then I asked something that I would have never asked her when we were younger.

“What about you?  Anyone that’s been holding your interest?”

Maddie stilled her fork and moved the lasagna around on her plate.  “There is.”  She glanced up at me and smirked.  I knew that it was all she would give me and like in our earlier years my heart tore from the proclamation.  I finished my lasagna and placed my fork down, not knowing how to continue the conversation.  There was a lot that was unsaid which made our current situation tense. I know that Maddie felt it too but I wasn’t willing to delve into our past right now.  Was it really so bad if I just wanted to see if there was a chance for us to rebuild a friendship that we once had?

“Thank you for having me over.  Even if I didn’t know this was a setup, it was still nice to see you.”  I stood and took my plate, as well as Maddie’s to the sink and quickly washed the dishes.  I felt her watching me from her seat; the heat of her stare warming my back and neck.

“It was my pleasure.  And now that we’re close again, we won’t have any excuses not to see each other more.”

I turned my head to look over my shoulder.  Maddie was staring at her empty beer bottle, the condensation allowing the label to peel easily.  I breathed in heavily and exhaled, hating myself for breaking my resolve so easily.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t keep in touch.”  I wiped my hands on the kitchen towel and turned towards her.  Leaning against the sink I allowed the past to come into the present for a moment.  “I just didn’t know how to move on from that.”

Maddie gave me a sad smile but it was quickly replaced by a wave of her hands.  She was giving me reprieve but I wasn’t so sure if it was genuine. “We were kids and that was a long time ago. I should have never even said anything. Actually, now that I think back on it, I realized how ridiculous it all was.  You were my best friend and I took that for granted.”

“You always had my back, Maddie.  There is nothing to apologize for, and I don’t think you ever took our friendship for granted.”

“Agree to disagree on that one.”  She stood and followed me toward the front door.  Before saying goodbye she gave me a quick hug which felt less friendly than the first.  She was already distancing herself but I couldn’t blame her.  Hurtful memories could do that to a person.

As I took the steps toward my room I thought about how peculiar life was.  In a matter of a few hours my life had gone from blissfully ordinary to astoundingly confusing.  How can one person shatter every wall I had built up for the last decade with just one look?

I turned on my light as I opened my blinds. Pulling the window open I stared out across the branches, something that had become a nightly ritual even when the dark room didn’t hold Maddie’s belongings any longer.  When emerald green eyes met mine and a sly smile shone from behind newly placed glass windows my heart fluttered with a sense of comfortable familiarity.  Maddie opened the window easily and peered out at me.  “Some habits are hard to break,” she said through the darkness.  Her words were but a whisper on the cool breeze of the night and a shiver ran through my veins. So much meaning was held behind those words that not one more needed to be uttered.  We both stood there, leaning against our sills as we took a glance up at the stars.  How long we stood there I couldn’t be sure, but as the night grew darker and the stars shone brighter, a new friendship was born.  But maybe, just maybe, the old one was still there, shining amongst the blanket of night sky, distance not allowing it to fade.

***

June 2005

“Let me see it.”  I grabbed the leather bound folder from Maddie’s hands and opened it.  Her name was written in black cursive and just reading the words of the diploma made my throat close tightly.  “Are you happy?”  I asked her.  She looked over to me.  We were in my backyard again, laying on a blanket underneath the moonless sky.  I saw her shrug.  If I was Maddie I would have been ecstatic.  Just thinking of never having to return to GHHS would be more than enough for me to scream from the top of the largest mountain I could climb.  “Hey, why have you been so quiet?”

Ever since I had returned from the graduation with Maddie and her grandmother I had noticed a change in demeanor from my friend.  The normally talkative and humor filled girl, or should I now say woman, had been exchanged with a more subdued Maddie.  She had hardly said two words since receiving her diploma and the silence was starting to make me worry.  “Maddie…”

“I have a ticket booked to New York tomorrow morning.”

The feeling at that precise moment could only be described with the loss of breath.  My lungs deflated and I struggled to take in a deep breath.

“Oh,” I said.  I forced myself to feel happy for her.  It’s not like we didn’t know that she wouldn’t be leaving after graduation.  “I knew you’d be leaving but I didn’t think you’d go so soon.”  Suddenly the diploma in my hand was now heavy and unwanted.  How can one symbolic piece of paper allow for a whole life to be ruined?

“I didn’t want to leave so soon but my dad’s lawyer called and told me he needs to talk to me.  I guess when I turned eighteen a few weeks ago the trust fund got put in my name, and I need to sign some paperwork to make it official.”  A part of me held hope.  Maybe this was just a business trip and she would be back. She hadn’t even packed all her things yet so that was a good sign, right?

“With the money he left I can have my stuff shipped back east.”  I swallowed thickly.

“So, that’s it then?”  My hushed words were enough for her to look over to me.  Her face held a blank stare.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I’m happy for you,” I forced a smile. “Maybe I can convince mom to let me come visit.”  We both knew that it wasn’t a possibility but it was still nice to think about.

“And I’m sure I’ll be out here from time to time.  You know, with grams still here.”

“Yeah.”

Suddenly the silence was louder than any noise I had ever heard.  We watched the stars as both of us allowed for the realization to set in.  This time tomorrow Maddie will be in New York and I will be left here with nothing but the memories.

The night dragged on but we didn’t talk.  When we traced the final plane across the night sky she turned to me and held out a hand for me to take.  I wanted to grab it but instead I got up on my own and dusted off my pants.  I was angry, sad, frustrated.  I felt like I was losing her and I never even really had her to begin with.

“Walk me to my door?”  She asked.  I wanted to say ‘no’ in defiance.  That if she could just leave so could I but my love for her got the better of me.  I nodded as we walked around toward the front of the house and the short distance to her home.  Well, not her home for much longer, I thought.

“What time is your flight?”  I asked her as we made it to the door.  She hesitated for a moment but answered just the same.

“Six.”

I nodded staying silent.  I held myself with my arms against my middle.  The thick awkward exchange was silent of words wishing to be said but I held them in.  She didn’t need me to cling to her.  Maddie had always been so independent, her own person.  She didn’t need to know that I needed her to make me feel complete.

“I’ll call you when I land?”

I nodded at her again and I expected a hug.  A smile. An ‘I’ll miss you’ even but nothing came.  Instead she said ‘good night’ and disappeared through the door.  I stood there for a few moments, waiting, expecting her to come back through but she didn’t.  She never came back outside and in a blink of an eye I found myself in my room, under my covers listening to the silence, not knowing how I managed to get there.  My mind was blissfully blank as a closed my eyes.  Dull aches of pain probing every nerve in my body.  I should have told her, was the last thought before sleep over took me.

I startled awake as I heard a knocking in my room.  I got up in a haze as I opened the door, expecting to see mom back from her night shift.  When I was met with darkness and another knock from behind me I glanced over at the window.  I slowly made my way to the blinds and lifted them, startled to see Maddie sitting on a heavy oak branch merely inches from the glass.

I pushed the window up and stuck my head outside.  “What are you doing?”  I moved back so that she could climb through my window and finally she stood upright, brushing off bits of leaves and bark.

“Told you I could do it.”  She smiled at me and I rolled my eyes at her.  My arms were braced against my chest as I waited for her to say something.

“Sorry, were you sleeping?”  Her random question took me off guard as I glanced at the clock.  It was three thirty and she was fully dressed.  I looked over towards her window and saw the suitcase closed and ready to go by her door.  I realized that this was her last goodbye and something inside of me broke.

“You’re leaving.” I whispered.  I held her gaze as I finally comprehended what was going on.

“Yeah, I am,” she moved forward a step.  “But…I…” I waited for her to finish but she didn’t.  She just stood there as she fidgeted in her stance.

“Maddie?”  She looked up toward the ceiling and then back down to me, letting the breath in her lungs exhale.

“I never talk about it, you know?  When I came out here I promised myself I wouldn’t get attached to anyone because I would be leaving.  I planned on New York.”  My confusion clouded my mind.  “I didn’t plan on you though.”

The crickets outside sang a sad song as she continued.  “I never wanted it to get too personal because I didn’t want to miss you.  But even though I buried it deep inside it didn’t matter.  Because I’m still going to miss you.  And I think about all this time that I wasted…if there was ever a chance…”

And then I understood.  As she stood there, nervously mumbling through her words I understood what she was saying.  I understood why she never spoke about who she was interested in, because that person was me.  My every wish, my ever dream was coming true but just like the stars Maddie was but a ghost in my room.  She was leaving.  Even though I saw her now, she wasn’t even really there anymore.

“Don’t.” I rasped.  “Please, don’t.”  I pleaded with my eyes for her to stop.  She was giving me and telling me everything I wanted to hear but all I could think about was her dream.  Her plans.  Everything shattered for a chance at something we weren’t even sure would last.

She stopped as the words came from my mouth.  “You’re my best friend Maddie, and I’m going to miss you so much but,” I shook my head.  “I don’t want you to stay.  Not for me, at least.”

I saw her heart break in that moment and like falling dominos mine fell apart in crumbled pieces.  I was giving up everything I had wanted so she could have everything that she had envisioned for herself.  I would be nothing but a crutch to her, and although I wanted to go to her and tell her that my feelings would never change I just couldn’t.

“But, I thought…sometimes when you look at me…those eyes…” she tried to understand what was happening but as she took a step toward me I forced my hand up.  I was a marionette, manipulated by my own mind, invisible strings playing my life.  She took another step forward and I took one back.

“Don’t, Maddie.  Please, just don’t.”

“You want me to go?”

I opened my mouth.  No. “Yes.”

The light dimmed in her eyes as her tears fell with no abandon.  In all my years I don’t think I would ever forget the sound of her breaking heart.  She stood there not believing me.  One more step forward, one more step back.

“Don’t.” I said with as much as a definitive tone I could give.  “Go.”

She wavered for a moment but she didn’t take another step forward.  Instead she took one back, and then another, until all that was left of her was a dark silhouette climbing out of the window.  I didn’t dare go to the window until I heard a car door slam and drive away.  And with the final sound of the engine distancing itself from me, I whispered again.

“Don’t go.”

Chapter 8

March 2016

“How about we hold a bake sale and give our proceeds to the LGBT Youth Center in Downtown LA?”  Denise asked the group.  It had been the third official meeting of the GSA club and I had decided to allow them to run the group themselves, only giving my opinion when it was asked.  The small group muttered and groaned and I suppressed a smile.

“Okay then, does anyone have anything that they think would benefit the community?”  Denise glanced from each student.  I had been surprised when the first group came in.  We had only had five students initially sign up, but as each meeting progressed, more and more students joined.  We were now at fifteen and most of them seemed to be truly interested in the club.

“I saw Bryan talking down to a freshman in gym class the other day.  I had to step in only to be called a flamer.”  Brandon’s eyes rolled.  “Maybe we can get together an assembly about bullying.  You know, maybe talk about how it impacts peoples’ lives and how to handle a bully when you see them.”  Brandon looked around the room as the students’ interests perked.

“That would actually be pretty cool,” a young woman shouted from the back.  “We can each talk about a time we were called a name or bullied about something out of our control.”

As the students rolled off ideas Denise looked at me and smiled.  I gave her a quick thumbs up.

“Do you think that would really work though?  I mean this is all coming from a bunch of gay kids who don’t even really matter much in the school.  Who is really going to listen to us?”

I saw Denise give me a look of desperation as the students all started to agree.  I could feel the previous excited mood exchange with something more somber and I stood up toward the front of the class.

“How about you guys petition to some of our local government agents or school board to talk to the students.  There is always a story in every person’s life about being bullied or being witness to something dealing with it.  I’m sure if you asked as many people as possible you would get a few that would be willing to do it.”

“What about you Ms. Montgomery?”  Denise asked.

“Me?”  My eyes widened as I stared over the room at expectant eyes.

“Yeah.  Would you have something to share?  You’re one of the best teachers in the school and a lot of kids look up to you.”  I saw the kids all nod in agreement to Denise’s statement.  It was common knowledge that I was well liked amongst the students but I didn’t know if I wanted to throw my dirty laundry out there.

“Well, I don’t…” As I kept my gaze amongst the students something inside of me cracked.  These kids who were only ten years younger than myself had enough courage to want to stand in front of a group filled with their peers to try and change even one person’s outlook on life.  I sighed as I just nodded my head.  “Of course.”  The class cheered as they quickly started to research names and ways to contact more people for their project.

“Thank you,” I heard Denise whisper to me.  I gave her a warm smile that belied my inner turmoil.  I had a feeling that in a few months, my dirty laundry would be scattered across the halls of my old high school yet again.

***

“You’re really going to do it?”  Maddie asked as she passed me a warm coffee.  The skies of Southern California had broken open as a light rain misted the concrete and I sat there under the cover of her porch listening to the almost uncommon sounds of rain drops pelting the ground.

“Do you think it’s a bad idea?”  I asked.

Maddie considered my question for a moment and then shook her head.  “I think it’s brave.  Sometimes we forget about everything that is going on around us because we choose to look in different directions.  I think some kids could benefit hearing something motivational coming from someone they respect.”

“I didn’t want to do it at first,” I was honest with my response.  “I just thought about everyone finding out and all of a sudden being a pariah again.”  I chewed on my bottom lip.  “I felt like I was in high school all over again.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad,” Maddie nudged me with my shoulder and I chuckled.

“Not when you got there.”  I smiled through a sip of my coffee remembering that fateful day in the L building bathroom.

“Is it going to be a problem though?  Being a teacher and being out with your students?”

“No.  I already spoke to the principal about it, just in case.  He knows I’m gay so it wasn’t a surprise for him.  GHHS is still a public school so I can’t be fired for my sexuality.  I’m backed by the state in that sense…just not the students who have issues with it.”

“I can’t believe there are still kids who have a problem with it.  There are already states that allow you to marry and by the end of the year it’s possible that all states will allow it too.”

“I know.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot different than when we were there.  A lot of kids are out already and don’t really get any hell for it.  But it’s just those select few…”

“Mmmm,” Maddie responded.  “The Jenna’s of the world, huh?”

I barked out a laugh and nodded my head.

“Whatever happened to her and the ‘Fab Five’?”

I peered out across the street, watching the light mist turn heavier.  “I’m not too sure about the other girls, but Jenna moved up north and got married to some internet venture capitalist. She has two kids.”

“Wow, I really thought she would’ve ended up with a woman.”

“Who said her partner is a man?”  I quirked an eyebrow up at Maddie whose eyes widened.

“Seriously?”

I nodded my head in confirmation.  “They seem happy.  She actually reached out to me a couple of years after high school to apologize.  We went out for a couple drinks and I met her wife.  They are a cute couple.”

“And it bothers you, doesn’t it?”  Maddie asked placing her now empty coffee cup next to her chair.

“Why would that bother me?”

“Because Jenna was horrible in high school and then all of a sudden finds herself, gets married and lives the American dream.  She still got everything she wanted while in the meantime putting you through hell.”

I stared down into my coffee cup not wanting Maddie to be right about my unfound envy.  “I’ve come to realize that the world doesn’t play fair.”  I glanced over at my friend who held a sincere expression.  It’s nice to know that some things will never change.

“You’ll have that one day, B.  You just have to give it time.”

“Yeah, well.  The thing with time is that we have so much of it but so little of it too.”

“Truer words have never been spoken.  Want another cup?”

“No, thank you.  I better get back home and finish grading some papers.”  I stood up and Maddie took my proffered empty mug.  We both stood there for a moment not wanting the night to end.  As I stepped down the first steps into the light mist I turned back around.

“Hey, have you ever read opinions on the impacts of social healthcare?”  I asked in earnest.

Maddie laughed and shook her head at me.

“Care to read what some seventeen year olds have to say on the subject?”  I watched Maddie tilt her head, considering my offer.

“Will there be coffee?”  She asked seriously.

“Oh yes, much coffee.”

Chapter 9

April 2016

The auditorium started to fill as the roar of student voices filled and echoed against the walls.  The podium was set up dead center in the large room and I wondered how fast my legs could take me to the bright green exit sign.

I had already volunteered Vanessa and some other trustworthy teachers to moderate the crowd.  If there was one thing I didn’t want to happen, it was to have these brave students feel unwanted by hecklers shouting obscenities through their personal stories.  If there was one thing keeping me glued to my spot it was the fact that I had an intrinsic urge to protect these kids. To help them through this part of their life, just like I had been helped through mine.

With much thought and consideration, I had decided not to tell the masses about my forced coming out in high school.  Maddie had supported my decision and I was grateful for that.  Instead I would talk about my insecurities of my father dying and my battle with how I saw myself when I was younger.  The taunts and teases about my braces and not having that much money after my father died.  I thought it was comparable to the bullying that some may experience.  Was it cowardice? Probably, but a part of me was still that insecure little girl from high school and I couldn’t gather enough courage to allow the woman in me to step up.

“Beatrice, we’re going to start in five minutes.”  The principal said to my left.  I breathed in deeply and nodded my head once, letting him know that we were ready.  I looked over to the group of students who were going over what they were going to say on their sheets of paper.  Many looked nervous.  Many wore Human Rights Campaign t-shirts saying positive passages about equal rights.  I was proud of them and I told myself that it was all that mattered.  I didn’t have to be proud of myself.

The lights flickered and I knew it was time.  We all knew our positions of when we would say our speeches and of course I had decided to go dead last.  The students thought that the decision was for the best since it would end with the most impactful statements but I knew it was because by the end of the assembly students would be counting the minutes on the clock until lunch and wouldn’t focus too much on me.

“Everyone quiet down,” I heard Principal Williams say.  “Today we have a very special presentation on a topic that has swept over many headlines in the recent years.  Bullying has gained a lot of attention due to the ill effects it has on the victim as well as those guilty of the tormenting.  My hope for today is that you all take in these stories told by your peers and mentors in the community and really think about how this effects the daily lives of the people it is happening to.”

I heard a ‘boo’ shout from someone in the stands.  Vanessa was immediate in reprimanding the student and I could see her lecturing him from where I stood.

Denise was the first speaker to the podium.  She walked on with a small applause and smiled brightly and proudly at the audience.  The knot inside of me loosened as I heard her story.

“Three years ago, my brother came out to our family.  It’s not uncommon for this to happen.  A lot of people come out when they decide that they can’t keep these feelings hidden from the ones they love the most.  What is uncommon though, is how young he was.  He was only ten.”  She paused for the impact and a few gasps and murmurs could be heard from the crowd.  “Now, I know what some of you may be thinking.  How can someone so young know that he is gay?  A ten year old should be thinking about playing at recess, not about how he feels towards other boys.”  She took the microphone from the podium and held it in her hands, moving across the large expanse of the auditorium stage.

“My parents thought it was a joke.  They said that what he was feeling was just envy for other boys his age and that the feelings would soon pass.  They delimited his feelings to nothing but a phase and in turn my brother fell into a deep depression.  As the year passed my brother was put into sports.  Told what to wear.  Who to hang out with and even what television shows a ‘man’ was supposed to watch.  With every day that he was forced to experience these gender norms he grew more tired and distraught.  He would tell my parents that he didn’t want to play sports; he would rather cook.  He didn’t want to watch action movies; he wanted romantic comedies.  He didn’t want to hang out with football players; he wanted to go with his friends to the mall.  Who are we to say that these things are wrong?  Who are we to say that a young child’s likes aren’t correct because they aren’t manly enough?  And, who are we to say that if we inundate a child with these norms then they will grow into something that society believes is correct.”

The fact of the matter is that none of these things worked.  The only thing they did was make my brother believe that he wasn’t who he felt he was inside.  After a while he didn’t want to be depressed anymore.  He didn’t want to do the things that he was forced to do so he started acting out.  He would sneak out of the house at only twelve years of age.  He started hanging out with people who weren’t the best influence and he started smoking, doing drugs and drinking.  Last year,” Denise took a moment to steady herself, her eyes starting to tear, “Last year my mother got a phone call at three in the morning saying that my brother was in the hospital from apparent alcohol poisoning.  Twelve years old and he almost died because he couldn’t deal with the pressure that was placed on him.  He didn’t ask to be this way.  Because how can a ten year old choose a life like this?”

After my brother almost died, things changed in my house.  My parents realized that they would rather have a son who identified as gay over no son at all.  They started to accept him for who he was and not who they thought he should be.  In turn, the pressure on my brother eased and he started to love himself again.  He stopped hanging out with bad influences and started to become the person he felt like he was inside.  I almost lost my brother because he wants to love another man.  Now you tell me, is a life worth losing over love?  I don’t think so.”

The crowd erupted in applause as Denise left the stage.  She gave me a watery smile and I gave her a tight squeeze on the shoulder.  And that was how the rest of the stories went as well.  Each student and member of the community told a story about bullying.  Seeing it, being a part of it or even starting it.  With each end the students erupted into applause and everyone’s spirits lifted at the sound.

With five minutes until my speech I started to grow more nervous.  I ran through the points in my head, making sure that I was getting my point across.  If these kids could do it, so could I right?

“B,” I heard Principal Williams whisper.  I looked over at him motioning me to join him in a hidden corner.  I walked over and my suspicion rose as his eyes were wide with excitement.

“Jonathan, what’s going on?”

He smiled.  “We just found out that a new speaker would like to talk.  We only have your slot available so I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind giving it up.  I think the students would want to hear this one.”

My own eyes widened as my nerves settled down.  I was being given an out and although I had psyched myself up for speaking, I took the easy way out.  “Sure, of course.  Who is it?”  I asked in interest.  He shook his head at me and ushered us back to the side of the stage.

“You’ll see.”

***

Maddie walked into the auditorium as the last student speaker exited the stage.  The applause that was roaring quickly quieted as the group of students and teachers followed her with their eyes.  Murmurs of ‘is that Madeline Fields?’ could be quietly heard around the large room.  She gripped the podium and gave a small wave.  Her posture was straight and confident and a part of me wished that I could go up there and hug her for showing up.  I smiled as she quickly looked over to me and gave me a sly wink.  Then she started.

“Can we have one more round of applause for these brave men and women who have told you deeply personal stories of their life?”  The silence was broken by a loud wave of applause and hollers.  Maddie stood there smiling, and applauding herself.  I glanced over at the students and mentors that had spoken. Each had an unbelieving smile and stare locked onto Maddie.  The applause died down as Maddie brought the microphone up to her lips again.

“Some of you may know me, for those who don’t, my name is Madeline Fields.”  Again applause sounded and wolf whistles were screeched through the auditorium.  “What some of you may not know though,” she waited as the sounds quieted, “is that I grew up experiencing much of what these men and women did.”  She commanded the floor as every eye trained on her.  “I grew up differently than a lot of people.  Some may think that growing up with a famous father would be exciting and in some ways it was, but that didn’t mean that everyone thought that.  People assumed that I was pompous and led a rich lifestyle which actually made me an outcast.  I would hear taunts in the hallways, kids would pretend to like me just to get the benefits of having a famous family and I realized that people didn’t really like me for me.  They just liked me for my status in life.”  She paused as she tried to gather her next thoughts.  “I also didn’t look the part.  While my father was handsome and my mother beautiful, I was lanky.  I had braces, my hair didn’t do what it wanted and I definitely didn’t look the part of having a famous father.”  There was a surge of questioning sounds from the crowd.  Maddie held up a hand to quiet them, “I know.  I know, things became a lot different as I began to discover myself.  I started to eat healthier.  I started to run with my mother in the mornings and I became someone who I saw on the inside.  But still, a part of me believes she is that little girl who didn’t know which way was up and couldn’t believe that she could actually trust someone to get close enough to.”  Maddie quickly glanced over at me.  The gesture was so raw and I swallowed heavily.  “When my father and mother passed I quickly found out who my real friends were.  Suddenly I was casted down the social ladder and was forced to move to Southern California to live with my grandmother.  It wasn’t until I came to GHHS my senior year that I found out who I really wanted to be.”

At the sound of Maddie saying that she had attended their very high school the kids shouted in astonishment.  No one had known, save a few, that the actress was technically an alumni.  “The week before I started here, I met a friend.  A young woman who didn’t know who I was but still liked me for just me.  I think that’s what drew me to her friendship at first and then I realized that we were a lot alike.  We both lost people we loved dearly and I also found out, in a not so nice way, that she experienced the same type of hatred that I had as a kid.  Just because she was different, the kids in school treated her as such and although it was harsher than what I experienced the pain was still no less.”  Maddie took a deep breath.

“I saw it first hand, how hatred and fear can break someone down.  And when I saw her being bullied I couldn’t stand back and watch this pure soul feel that any longer.  I stood up for her and that was the first step in the right direction.  After the bullies realized that someone was in her corner, they started to back off.  In turn, I gained a best friend, one that I realize could withstand the test of time.”

“You see, I’m not so different than all of you.  What the media portrays me to be is not who I really am.  When I’m not going to a premiere or publicizing my movies, I’m sitting on my couch and watching cheesy rom coms or scary movies.  When I’m not in front of the camera, I’m reading hurtful things about myself that I read in the tabloids.  The fact is that bullying doesn’t end after high school.  It’s apparent in the workplace, it’s apparent in the media and the news.  The way we change that is not turning our backs on it, but stepping up and coming out of the closet and saying that things need to change.  We need to understand that life is precious.  We need to keep friendships that make us better people and remove those from our lives that only give us negatives.  These men and women, your peers, your friends, they are the truth of your generation.  Not me.  I play make believe for a living.  These brave young men and women are more than that.  They are true and brave and deserve to be treated with as much respect as you have treated me this afternoon.  So that’s my story, and I hope that hearing it will change something inside.  Stick up for that girl or boy you see being bullied.  Who knows, you may gain a friend for life.”

Maddie smiled and waved as she stepped off of the auditorium stage.  The crowd was deafening as she walked backstage to the group of students that had pulled this all off.  They shook her hand, took pictures with her and she signed autographs.  In my eyes I don’t think I had ever seen anything so perfect.  I caught her looking over at me every few moments, offering me a shy smile and when Principal Williams ushered her over to me, I couldn’t help but want to gather her in a bone crushing hug.

“And this is Beatrice Montgomery.  She was essential in getting this presentation off the ground.  Beatrice, did you know that Ms. Fields went here?”

I gave Principal a sly smile.  “I think I remember seeing her around,” I shook Maddie’s hand as if we had just met.

“Thank you for allowing me to come and say my piece.  I think that this was a great idea and I hope that the kids got something out of it.”

Principal Williams beamed with pride.  “I’m sure they did.  And I can’t thank you enough for joining in on the talks.  Wasn’t that a nice surprise, B?”

I locked eyes on Maddie as I forced the tears back.  It wouldn’t do any good showing my emotions on my sleeve right now.  “The best.”  I nearly whispered.

Chapter 10

April 2016

“Maddie?!”  I stormed into the house, not waiting for a response.  I barreled up the stairs and checked every room, fully intent on giving the woman a piece of my mind.  When I made it to her room I stopped suddenly as smooth shoulders met my eyes.  Maddie turned around, towel drying her long blonde curls that had darkened from the shower water.  She stood in nothing but jeans and a black laced bra and when I finally realized that I was staring I quickly covered my eyes.

“Shit, sorry…I didn’t know you were…” I heard Maddie chuckle and I knew she was shaking her head.

“It’s okay, B. Nothing you haven’t seen before.”  I peeked one eye open and Maddie was just finishing putting on a deep green V-neck shirt.  I opened my eyes as I willed the embarrassment to diminish.

“What’s going on?”

What was I doing here again?  Besides walking in on a beautiful woman changing?  Oh right.  I’m pissed.  Let’s get back to that feeling instead of the twinging sensation in your stomach.  I pointed to the piece of paper in my hand.  “Twenty five thousand, Maddie?  That’s way too much.  The club wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of money.”

Maddie shrugged as she grabbed a comb and started untangling her hair.  “I figured you guys can set up a scholarship or something.”

“Maddie,” I groaned as I sat on her bed.  “It’s way too much.  Why did you do that?”

Again she shrugged.  “Ever since the presentation I’ve been thinking about what those kids are going through.  I wanted to help.”

“You helped enough just being there and talking.  Even Bryan Donnelly hasn’t had an incident.  He just keeps talking about how hot you are and how you’re only twelve years older than him and how that’s not illegal in a lot of states in the south.”

Maddie burst out laughing.  “Glad to see that I was able to change some minds. Even if it’s kind of gross.”  She twitched her nose.

“Well, all I’m saying is it is too much.”

“I’m not taking it back.”  She countered.

I sighed heavily.  “I know.  You can’t anyway because Principal Williams was the one to tell me.  He has a lot of plans for this.”

“So what’s the problem then?”  She moved over to face me and I caught her peach scent.  Why couldn’t she have changed that since coming back?

“It’s just a lot of money.”

“B, it’s really nothing to me.  You know that.”  She waved her hand.  “I don’t need it and I think the school can use it for a lot of good.”

I eyed Maddie’s sincerity and finally relinquished my argument.  “Well, thank you.  I still think what you did was enough but if you’re so hell bent on doing this…”

Maddie laughed as she pushed my shoulder, the momentum causing me to lay on my back on her bed.  I lifted myself on my elbows as I smiled at her tease but the face she was giving me made my smile quickly fade.  It wasn’t a look of humor or playfulness, rather a look of hunger and lust.  I swallowed and willed myself to not think too much of that look.  Maddie had a teasing personality, and she was an actor.  Linking those two together could make anything see something that wasn’t truly there.  It has been a decade, there is no way she still has feelings for me.  Plus she has someone already.  She told me so.

It had to be an act.

I closed my eyes and willed the moment to fade.  When I opened them again she had turned from me, her back hunched over and gripping her desk as if it was a life line.  I stood up from the bed and met her eyes in the vanity mirror.  She was holding back and I knew it but I didn’t want to comment on that look.

“Mom told me to invite you for dinner tonight.”  I tried to cut through the tension and her normally easy smile was reserved.

“Thanks, but I have something going on tonight.  Rain check?”  I nodded as a twinge of jealousy flushed through me.  She had been skipping a lot of our nightly talks and I came to the realization that it was probably because her beau was in town.

“Sure.  I’ll let her know you had a hot date or something.”  I tried to get more information out of her but she didn’t give me anything in return but a chuckle.  Still reserved she walked me to the door and waved a goodbye.  I took a trying glance over my shoulder to see if she had been watching me leave but the porch was empty and devoid of all life.  I had to get a grip on myself.  I had to come to the realization that Maddie was unavailable and uninterested.  That time had passed and although I didn’t regret allowing Maddie to leave and live out her dream, a part of me still had wondered what it would have been like if I asked her to stay.

***

May 2016

“Would you like some coffee or tea?”  I called out over my shoulder to the woman sitting on the couch.  Elizabeth declined and I walked over with my own mug in hand, sitting down next to her and going over the proposal she had brought over.

Elizabeth Tierney was the CEO at Green Tree publishing, the power house firm who allowed my story to become what it was today.  Elizabeth had been an old friend of my mother’s and after reading my first draft knew that the book could be something amazing.  She immediately spoke to her firm about the possibilities and nearly a decade later they had grown into one of the most sought after publishing agencies in California.

“It’s good, B.  Really good.”  She said as she leafed through the pages.  Elizabeth was one of three people that knew Randle Gooding was actually Beatrice Montgomery.  She had wondered why I chose to write under a pen name but after knowing that I wished to remain anonymous if the book gained steamed she had understood fully.  “Sony is already in talks.  We want the book to be out for a couple of months before they start shooting the film.  You’re making them a lot of money and if this one does as well as the last, then you’re going to be a very, very rich woman.”

The comment slid off my shoulders.  I already had more than enough money for my mother and me to live comfortably.  I kept telling my mother that she didn’t have to work anymore but she waved me off.  I think she enjoyed getting out of the house and I wasn’t about to take that away from her if it was what she truly wanted.

“What about the book itself?  Do you think it will get a lot of attention?”

Elizabeth nodded her head.  “It’s the best in the series by far.  A lot of people wanted to know what happened between Blake and Holly and this doesn’t leave anything hanging.  I was ecstatic when you called me to let me know you were doing one more.”

“You don’t think it’s too much?”  I asked still worried.  I wanted to do right by the characters and if that meant not publishing the book than I was more than willing to keep it a secret.

“Of course not.  You know how many people are invested in these two.  Think about if J.K. Rowling came out with another Harry Potter.  Do you think people wouldn’t like that?”

“Oh no, they’d like that a lot,” I chuckled.  Elizabeth and I went over the plans for release.  Of course there were many requests for interviews and book readings but Elizabeth knew that I would decline them all.  I knew that eventually one day the true identity of Randle Gooding would come out but for the time being I was okay with just being a normal high school teacher.

“One more stipulation that Sony wants.  They want to release the book early to the actors so they can start getting a head start on how they’ll be portraying the characters.”  Elizabeth looked at me, waiting for my response.  I tilted my head wondering if there was any reason why I shouldn’t allow it.  I couldn’t think of anything so I just nodded my head.

“That’s fine, just as long as they know not to release any information.”

“I’ll make sure they sign a confidentiality contract.”

“Okay then, where do I sign?”

The front door opened and I heard my mother call out my name.  “In here mom,” I responded as I started to sign the contract.

“Oh, Beth, I didn’t know you were coming over today.”  I felt the room still as the hairs on my arms stood up.  I don’t know how I knew but I could tell that my mother wasn’t alone.  I quickly glanced up to see my mother and Maddie standing in front of me and Elizabeth.

“Yes, I came by to see if you had time for a drink.  We haven’t seen each other and since I was in town I thought we could catch up.”  Elizabeth smiled and I thanked her for the ruse which gave me enough time to gather the contracts and stow them under the table.

“That sounds great.  By the way, this is one of B’s good friends, Maddie.  Maddie, this is my old friend Elizabeth…”

“Tierney.  Yes, I know.  We’ve met before.”  Maddie smiled, the ever gracious person she was, and held out her hand to Elizabeth in greeting.  Elizabeth smiled back and something hard and disconcerting settled in the room.  Maddie eyed me quickly and then looked away.

“Well, that’s great.  I was just telling Elizabeth that you’ve been meaning to call her mom to catch up.”

“Perfect timing then.”  The situation still felt awkward and I could feel Maddie’s gaze boring into me.

“Well, I’m ready to go if you are, Beth.”  My mother said.  I looked between the three women, a sudden stand off to see who would move first.  Finally Elizabeth moved and placed her arm in my mother’s.  “Let’s take my car, I know a great place a few miles away.”  Maddie and I bid our goodbyes and as we heard the front door shut Maddie turned her back to me and started to walk off as well.

“Where are you going?” I called after her.  She moved to open the door but quickly turned around.

“You have a lot of explaining to do.  I’m giving you a chance to come up with your story now, so you can explain it to me later.”

I gulped as the realization set in.  Of course Maddie would know who Elizabeth was.  She was pivotal in getting Maddie the role for my book’s movies.  I’m not sure if she put two and two together about who the real author was, but she knew that I had to do something with her getting at least the role.

“Maddie…I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

She held up a hand to silence me.  “You know exactly what I’m talking about, B.”  She opened the door, “Come over when you’re ready.”  She shut the door and I was left staring at nothing.  Shit.

***

I knocked on Maddie’s door hesitating only for a few moments.  I held the bottle of wine in my hand as I blew out a deep breath, readying myself for the inevitable.

She opened the door and stood there, motioning me to come in.  There was no ‘hello’ and the cool brush off she gave me told me she was still upset.  I entered the kitchen as the smell of dinner wafted through the air.  She couldn’t be so mad if she made me dinner right?

“Sit down.” It was more of an order than an invitation and I quickly sat at the words.

“Can I help?” My voice was nothing more but a squeak.  She looked over her shoulder and nodded.

“You can start by explaining to me how the hell you know Elizabeth Tierney and why she was so set on me playing the role in these movies.”  She had turned around and held a wooden spoon, pointing at me with every syllable she muttered.

“It’s really not what you think, Maddie.”  I tried but I knew she wasn’t believing me.

“You know what I think, B?  I think that you had something to do with me getting this role.  And honestly I don’t know whether to thank you or pummel you for it.”

She returned to the table with two heaping bowls of pasta and salad.  She placed one in front of me and motioned toward the wine.  I nodded quickly, knowing I was going to need some liquid courage.

“Why would you want to pummel me for helping out?  That is, even if did.”

She gave me my wine glass and eyed me warily.  “Because, B.  I wanted to do this on my own.  It doesn’t help my confidence knowing that I got a part simply because you said something to someone.”

“They wouldn’t have taken you if you didn’t fit it just right.”

“They told me that the author requested me, and only me to do it, otherwise there would be no movie.”

I took a deep sip and eyed Maddie over my glass.  She knew.

“I should have known.”  She slapped the table in frustration.  “I really should have known when I read those books.  There were too many coincidences.  The description of the stars?  Come on, B…did you really think I didn’t assume that it was you?”

“A lot of people could think that.”  I stated.

“A lot of people think that our loved ones are looking down at us as if we are their stars?  You took the words straight from my damn mouth.”

“Okay, I understand how you could be upset…”

“I didn’t even want to believe it.  I thought of contacting you so many times to ask you but I just figured I’d be bothering you.  After we left things I was sure that you didn’t even want to hear from me again but then I read these amazing stories and so much of us was in them I couldn’t help but wonder. But then I would teeter back to the fact that these stories couldn’t be about us, right?  Because you wrote a love story.  So I thought it had to be just coincidence.”

And then I saw Elizabeth today and it all just made sense.”

She waited for me to respond. I thought about a million excuses, everything under the sun that would get me out of her heated glare but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her so I told her everything, from the beginning.

“It wasn’t supposed to be anything.  After you left it was hard for me to deal so I just started to write.  Mom found the story on her laptop and read it.  She and Elizabeth have been friends for a long time and I didn’t even know she sent it over to her, honestly.  The next thing I know I’m signing with this publisher and then Sony is calling asking for rights.  It was so fast and so soon.  I had spoken to your grandmother and she said you were having trouble finding work and I knew how much it meant to you so I made the deal with Sony.  You did all the rest.  You’re the one that made the movie a success.  No one could have played that role but you.”

“I don’t believe that.” She shook her head.

“No one could have played that role because that character is you, Maddie.  Everything that I wrote was you, and that’s why you and only you could have played it.”

She furrowed her brows with questions on her lips.  “And you’re Blake?”

I hesitated and tilted my head.  “In a way I guess.”

“But Blake wants Holly.”

I was silent.

“And Holly left anyways.” Maddie pinched the bridge of her nose.  “You’ve got to explain this to me, B.  Is this really about us?  Everything in it?  Because when I left…”

“Can we just leave it at what it is?  Just a story about two people who needed friendship and decided that it was best for them to part ways in the end?”

“Who says it was best?  You?”

Maddie stood as she started pacing the kitchen.  The puzzle pieces were falling into place quicker than I could actually make out the full picture.

“You told me to go.  Didn’t you?  Did I miss something in all that?  You said I shouldn’t stay for you.  Why would you say that if there was something more?”

“Maddie, please…let’s not go back there.  It’s the past.”

“The past has a hell of a way of kicking you in the ass, B.”

“Why are you so upset with all of this?  It was ten years ago.  So much has happened between then and now.  Can’t we just move on from it?”

She stared into me and I saw it again.  The same hurt from years ago.  The pain that I placed there when I told her not to stay.  But we were so young, so naïve.  We didn’t know what love was at the time, did we?

“What are you thinking about?”  I asked her after a few moments of silence.  Maddie held up her arms in defeat and let them fall heavily.

“I’m thinking you’re right.  You’re right that it was all in the past and how it’s nothing but memories now.  And if I think about it, Blake was unable to truly love Holly anyways so you’re right, you wrote the perfect characters for this story.”

Maddie removed herself from the kitchen and walked away.  I sat there, staring out into the emptiness, our food long forgotten and a friendship teetering on the edge of being destroyed.  I waited for a while to see if she was coming back down but I soon realized that she was gone.  I removed myself from my seat and cleared the table, putting the remaining food in the fridge.  I left Maddie’s home and walked to my own.  When I returned to my room I took a quick glance over to Maddie’s window.  The curtains closed, the lights off and our past still very much in the present.

***

June 2016

“What is this?”  Maddie asked through her window.  She held up a hard bound book with a blank cover and my heart rate sped up.  She hadn’t spoken to me since that day in her kitchen.  I had tried to contact her but she told me she needed time and even though I hadn’t wanted to, I gave her the distance she needed.

I shrugged my shoulder as I sat on my window sill enjoying the cool night air.  Her curtains had been drawn for a solid month and I knew that her silent treatment was ending once those curtains flew open and I saw her gaze through the window.

“I thought the last one was the last one.”  She said in confusion.  “And then to my surprise I get a call from Sony today and have to sign a confidentiality agreement because we’re making another movie.  And then an agent exec stops at my door step with this.”  She holds up the book for me to see.

“I decided that I didn’t like the ending too much and a lot was left unsaid.  So I wrote another one to clear some things up.”

“How long have you known about this?”  She asked.  She sat on the window sill mirroring my own posture.

“I started to write it a few months before you got back.”  I wanted her to know that her coming back into my life had no bearing on the story.

“How does it end?”  She looked over at me and I chuckled.

“I’m not telling you that.”

“You suck,” she said but at least it was with a smile.  I rolled my eyes at her thankful that some of the tension we left with was no longer there.

“What have you been up to?”  I asked trying to keep the conversation going.  I had missed her and even with all that happened I yearned for our easy friendship still.

“Been going back and forth to New York.  Trying to get things more settled here.”  She gripped the book as if it was a lifeline.  Her fingers picked at the cover and I could tell she wanted to read it but also didn’t want to at the same time.

“How about you?”  She threw me a lifeline and I took it with both hands.

“Just working and wondering if my friend was ever going to talk to me again.”

“You’re lucky you know,” she said without responding directly to my statement.  I raised my eyebrows over to her and she shook her head at me.   “I can’t cut you out of my life, you’re technically my boss.”  She held up the book and waived it at me and I barked out a laugh.  She laughed along with me until the moon was high and the crickets stopped singing their evening songs.

Chapter 11

July 2016

“How come Oprah didn’t invite me to your birthday extravaganza?” I placed the tabloid on my kitchen table as I heard Maddie chuckle over the phone.

“Is that what they are saying now?  I haven’t even met Oprah.”  I heard her shuffling pages over the line and a part of me wondered if she was reading the novel.  We hadn’t spoken about it since that night but I figured if she had read it she would have let me know.

“Yeah.  And since you weren’t drinking at the party it’s obvious that you’re pregnant.”

“And who is the baby daddy this time?”  She asked with a humorous tone.

“George Clooney.”

“Hmm.  Guess I could do worse,” I could tell she was smiling and the infectious sound of her laughter filled my ears.  I gripped the phone tighter in my hands and pressed it closer to me.  What a feeble attempt to make her feel closer.

“How’s New York?”  Maddie had flown back east to finalize the details for the fourth installment of Breakaway.

“Good.  Lonely.”  She sighed.

“What?  George isn’t there catering to your every whim?”  I placed the kettle on and grabbed my mug, already setting the honey and creamer for my tea.

“Well I actually have to tell you something,” she said in a serious tone.  I waited for her to continue.  “George isn’t the baby daddy…” I smiled.

“Oh, really?  But I thought I could believe everything I read in the tabloids.”

“You would think but unfortunately it’s not true.”

“Care to explain how you got knocked up then?”

“Immaculate conception, of course.”  I couldn’t stop the laughter that escaped my mouth.

“Seriously, Maddie.  What’s going on over there?  I thought you had someone waiting in the wings for you.”

“And why would you think that?”  She asked more seriously.

“Well first off you told me that you were dating someone.  That probably has a lot to do with it.”

“I did?  I don’t remember that.”

I rolled my eyes.  “You said that someone held your interest.”

“Hmm.  Doesn’t mean I’m dating them though.”  I clenched my teeth at the pronoun.  Why couldn’t she just come out and say it?  Why did she always have to hide?

“Then how about your secret rendezvous a couple months ago?  When you couldn’t get together for our nightly talks?  Don’t tell me you were just ditching me to hang out with your other friends.”

Maddie laughed at my assumption.  “You’re right.  I was having secret rendezvous.  Although they weren’t a secret and it wasn’t a rendezvous.  Josh’s brother recently moved to LA and I was helping him get situated.”

“Oh,” for some reason the knowledge that Maddie was available made me feel better, and worse at the same time.

“You really don’t date?”

“Well, I never said that…”

“Then what’s your type?”  I poured the hot water and dipped the tea bag in and out.

“Why?  Do you have some single friends you’re looking to hook me up with?”

“Currently, Maddie, you’re my only single friend.  But I’m sure some of the married ones wouldn’t mind ditching their wives to be with you.”

“Hmm.  Interesting.”  She said curiously.

“What is?  Married men float your boat?”  I chuckled at the absurdity of our conversation.

“No.  Just your choice of pronouns.”

“Why is that interesting?”  With my tea now forgotten, my ears perked up.  Sure, I knew that Maddie had feelings for me when we were younger but did that mean she was gay?  I knew many straight women had feelings for their girlfriends in school, but they were married now…to men.

“Well, you assume that I’m into men.”

“You’re not?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So you are interested in men?”

She laughed loudly and I wondered if maybe I had hit the nail on the head.  “I really can’t believe after everything we’ve been through you don’t know my preferences yet.”

“You know you’ve never said either way to me.  You’ve always left me to assume.”

“Maybe I just don’t like labels.”

“Okay. But if you had to label yourself what would you say?”

“That I’m straight…” My heart sank at the words.  “As a rainbow.”

I groaned at her and she chuckled again.  “You’re just loving this aren’t you?”

“I have to say it does pass the time quite nicely.”

“Maddie…” I grated and I think she could tell that I was getting frustrated because her teasing eased.

“Does it really matter to you, B?  If I am or not?”

I closed my eyes and thought for a moment.  “No, of course not.”  As a friend I could care less if Maddie was gay or straight.  But as something more…

“Damn.”  Her voice was slightly dejected.

“What?”

I heard her breathe in deeply.  “I kind of wish you did care.”  I closed my eyes at the flirtatious way Maddie said the words.

“We should have more conversations over the phone.”  I licked my lips as my throat started to dry.

“And why’s that?”

“Because I think you’ve told me more about your personal life in these last twenty minutes than I’ve known in the last decade.”

“You know I’m an open book.  You can ask me anything and I’d tell you.”  Her voice was sincere and a million questions came to mind but only one stood out amongst the fray.

“Maddie?”

“Hm?”

“Are you gay?”  Silence.

“Yes.  But you already knew that didn’t you?”

“I think a part of me did, yes.”

“Which part?”  I bit my lip as I considered all the options in my head.  Her previous flirtatious words coursing through my veins.

I opened my mouth to counter but instead I decided not to play with fire.  “Is it hard?  To keep that from everyone?  Your fans, the media?”  I chewed on my bottom lip, wishing that we were having this conversation face to face and silently thanking God that we weren’t.  I don’t know how Maddie would have taken my beet red face at this moment.

“You know me, B.  I’ve always kept a lot of my personal life…well personal.  I guess it’s not that difficult when you grow up with it not out in the open anyways.”

I was nodding but I realized she wasn’t there to see me.  “But what about when you meet someone?  Is it going to be an issue?”  I knew that more and more actors and actresses were coming out these days but with Maddie still being somewhat new in the entertainment business, I wasn’t sure how it would impact her career.

“There you go assuming again.”  Maddie sighed as I heard shuffling of sheets.  I imagined her cuddled up in her bed, holding the blankets tight.  The side lamp illuminating a soft yellow glow against her pale skin.  I shook my head.

“What am I assuming now?”

“That I’m going to meet someone.”  I would have laughed if her tone was anything other than truthful.

“You don’t think so?”

Maddie sighed heavily.  “Remember your girlfriend in high school?”

I glanced down at the illuminated screen surprised at the sudden change of topic.  “Uh, yeah?”

“And remember when I kept asking you if she was your type?”

“Of course.”

“Well, the problem is…” again she sighed, “I have a very, very particular type.”

“I get it.  You’re picky.  And I think in your position you’re allowed to be.”  I clenched my fingers around my phone.  Of course Maddie grew into being attracted to a specific type of woman.  Probably tall, beautiful, smart - an actress like her maybe?  I envisioned the type of person that Maddie could be with and not once did any imagined figure look like me.

“Yeah.  I guess.”

“It doesn’t mean that you won’t meet someone eventually.”  I hated the dejected tone coming from the other line.  If I could say anything to her that would pick her spirit back up I would.

“Sometimes I think I already did.”  It was only a whisper and I tilted my head back.

“Who?”  Even though something deep down inside of me knew the answer I still asked.

“We always want something we can’t have.  I said that once to you, didn’t I?”  Her voice cracked and I felt my heart constrict at the sound.  She was on the verge of tears.

“Maddie…” I tried to find anything in my mind that could comfort her.  I wanted to say that I knew it was me. I wanted to tell her that I had lied to her and that I wanted her to stay but I couldn’t bear being the person that held her back from what she deserved in life.

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have…I’m just a little down.  It’s weird being back here and it not feeling like home.”

“I know,” I whispered to her.  She cleared her throat and we stayed silent for a moment, the only sound of her breathing coming into the line.

“I should let you go…” she sighed and then she added, “You’re probably exhausted.  I’ll call you when I’m back in town.”

I said goodnight to Maddie while leaving so much unsaid.  My mind drifted to a time when all we had to worry about was trying to pass history and math. My feelings for her had been so deep, so true, and I had never even imagined that they would ever be returned.  How could they with Maddie being who she was?  She had been everything that I wasn’t and I had been so sure that there would never be a mutual attraction.  But those feelings were returned and in the days after she left I had admonished myself for not seeing the signs.  How had I not caught on to the silent smiles and gestures that she had given me in hopes that I would return her own feelings?

And now here we both were, nearly a decade later.  Our teenage years imprinted in our memories yet gone through the travels of time.  I was no longer that shy teenager, even though sometimes I still felt her weight on my shoulders.  I wasn’t sure if I was just more experienced or if Maddie grew to be more open but I saw those moments more clearly now.  Her words were no longer a puzzle that I had to piece together.  Her stare no longer held confusion and her breath spoke more in silence than any voice could explain.  Through these months of rebuilding our friendship I knew what all of these things summed up to.

Maddie still harbored feelings for me, and just like she did when we were younger, she was hoping that maybe I would see them and realize that there was something there; something more than just friendship.

And I did realize it.  Every nerve, every cell, every breath inside of me wanted her.  The attraction was just as electrifying as it was when we were young and it wasn’t just the physical. Her beauty was so much on the inside as it was on the out and my body and mind reacted every moment I saw her and heard her voice. But the question was, why was I still pushing her away?  Why was I still creating distance when all we both wanted was to take steps closer to one another?  Because I want Maddie. No, I need her and now that she was back in my life I didn’t want to lose her again.  The risk was too large for me to take and I knew that if I wanted to keep her in my life, I would have to sacrifice that part of me again.  It was for the best, really.  Only for the best…

I closed my eyes as I willed the lie in my mind to become the truth but no matter how tightly I shut them I knew those thoughts would never take that form. Because keeping my feelings from Maddie wasn’t for the best.  It wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make again.  It was a risk that was worth taking and I wanted to take that leap and fall without a safety net. Because in the end, if all I had is one fleeting memory of Maddie’s lips on my own then I knew it would be worth it.  I knew that loving her for one day would be worth not knowing what she felt like for a lifetime.  And in that moment, standing in my kitchen, alone and finally aware of the road I wanted to travel I had never felt more sure of anything in my life.

***

“Have you ever told a lie to someone that you thought was for the best but in the end, maybe it wasn’t such a smart thing to do?”  I asked Vanessa as we sipped our lattes.  We both had agreed to teach one summer school class and our scheduled times were late morning.  We always made a point to grab coffee together before our classes to get us through the seemingly never ending days.

“I need more context.”  She responded while considering my question.

I chewed on my bottom lip trying to put this in a perspective she could understand.  “Let’s say hypothetically…that you’re in love with someone…”

Her eyes widened and a sly grin crept up her cheeks.

“I said hypothetically, Vanessa.”  I narrowed my eyes and she held up her hands in mock surrender.

“Okay, please, continue.”

“Anyways, like I was saying…” I waited a beat to see if she had more to say but after a few moments of silence I continued.  “Hypothetically, if the person you secretly love tells you that they have feelings for you, but they are planning on taking their dream job across the states, would you tell them that you have feelings for them too?  Or would you pretend that you didn’t so that they could live out their dream?”

“What kind of job?”

I scoffed at Vanessa.  “Does it matter?”  She raised an eyebrow at me and I rolled my eyes.  “Let’s just say it’s a very competitive career choice that can make you more money in a year than most people can make in a lifetime.”

“Okay, so we’re not talking about being a teacher then…”  I shook my head laughing at her rag.

“So let me break this down so it’s easier to understand,” she lifted her hand and pointed to her finger.  “One, Girl loves Boy,” Vanessa smiles and I roll my eyes, “but Boy does not know.”  I nodded.  “Two.  Boy has feelings for Girl but is already planning to move for a dream job that makes a lot of money.”  Again I nodded.  “Three, Boy tells Girl that he has feelings for Girl and would stay if the feeling is mutual. And Four, Girl does not want Boy to lose out on a great opportunity and lies about her feelings so that Boy will leave and live out his dream.  Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I would totally be upset.”

My stomach twisted and my face winced.  “Why?”

Vanessa looked at me as if I had just asked the stupidest question in the world.  “You’re serious?  First off, money is nothing but paper and cannot buy happiness.  If Jared told me he didn’t love me while I spilled my heart out to him only because I was offered a job three thousand miles away I would throat punch him.”

“But don’t you think that allowing them the option to be free of any emotional entanglement and living out their life like they had always planned is more important than holding them back from that?”

“If it were me and Jared, and I really wanted that job then I wouldn’t have said anything in the first place. What you’re saying is that Girl is assuming that Boy thinks the job is everything, when in reality, if Boy is spilling their heart out it’s obvious that their real dream is to be with the person they love.  Everything else can be figured out…finding a job comes easier than finding love.”

“I shouldn’t have asked the philosophy major,” I murmured under my breath.  Vanessa laughed at me and shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s not that hard to figure out, B.  What made you ask that anyway?”

I fidgeted in my seat suddenly uncomfortable.  “It was a concept in a book I was reading and I wanted your take on it.”

“Well, whoever Girl is in that book I hope they realize what they did before it’s too late.  Let me know what happens, sounds like a good book.”  Vanessa wiggled her eyebrows and I forced a smile.

“I’ll be sure to let you know.”

***

“Just breathe.”  I inhaled and exhaled in quick succession and readied my fist at the door.  I pulled back but stopped before my knuckles even touched the white paint.  I closed my eyes as I shook my head.  What was I doing?  I’m not this person.  Before I could talk myself out of it though, I rapped on the door and waited.

I heard shuffling from the inside and a low mumbling of frustration.  The door unlocked and Maddie stood with her hand bracing the door, her eyes still tired from sleep and her hair messed but looking just as beautiful as ever.

“Hey, morning!” I smiled widely as my high pitched voice screamed in my own ears.  If I kept this up she would think I went certifiable.

“Uh, hi.  Morning.  Is that coffee?”  I held out the tray in my hand for Maddie to take as she stepped aside to let me in.  I took a moment to steady my nerves while my back was turned and once I was able to feel somewhat normal I turned around to Maddie staring at me.  “What’s going on?”  She hesitated for a moment before placing the empty tray down and handing me my own coffee.  I inhaled the aroma, buying time.

“What are you doing today?” I asked her, without responding to her previous question.

Maddie still eyed me warily and drew out “nothing”.

“Well now you are.”  I went over to her and pushed her toward the stairs.  She looked over her shoulder as she chuckled.

“What are you doing?”

“Go get dressed, we’re going somewhere.”

Maddie stood stone still as I nudged her one more time.  “Don’t you have class today?” I bit my lip as I shook my head.  Maddie’s eyes widened.  “You’re ditching?  Isn’t that against the rules?”  She gasped in a dramatic fashion which made me huff out a laugh.

“I’m an adult.  I deserve a day off every now and then.”  Maddie’s eyes lowered on me as she gave me a slow smile.

“Don’t lie, B.  How did you get out of work today?”

I rolled my head back and moaned.  “Fine.  I told Principal Williams I had a business meeting with you…” she waited for me to continue, knowing that I wasn’t done with the story.  “And that there is a possibility of another sizeable donation coming from a very good friend of yours.”

“And who would that friend be?”

I hesitated for a moment.  “Randle Gooding?”

Maddie shook her head.  “You bribed your way out of work?”

The way she put it almost made me feel bad for my ruse.  Was she disappointed in me because I had lied to get out of work?

“You can be naughty when you want to, huh?”  I rolled my eyes at her as she started to ascend the stairs.  I watched her as she walked her hips swaying as if dancing to her own rhythm.  My mouth went dry when she caught my stare from above her shoulder.  With another slow, sexy smile she asked, “What should I wear?”

I cleared my throat as my cheeks reddened. “Something comfortable.  It’s hot out so the less clothes the better…I mean…” I almost slapped my hand to my forehead.  “You know what I mean…”

Maddie must have thought that my mumbling was quite humorous because I heard her laugh all the way to her room.

“Oh!  And a bathing suit!”  I yelled up at her.

***

“Best ditch day ever.”  Maddie said from behind her sunglasses.  I looked over at her lounging on the towel as I sipped my bottle of water.  I smiled at her with honest to god happiness.  This had been the best ditch day ever.

Before driving to the coast I had taken her to breakfast where she hounded me with questions on where we were going.  She guessed the beach five times but I had refrained from telling her exactly which one.  I knew that going to an extremely populated beach might not have been the best idea since Maddie was very well known in the public eye.  I wanted her to have the ability to relax without having to worry about anyone coming up to her and asking for pictures or autographs.

So I chose a more secluded area that most of the tourists didn’t know about.  It didn’t help much though.  While no one really ‘outed’ Maddie as being there, they still looked and stared.  I didn’t know if it was so much of them seeing her as a familiar face or if they were just enjoying the view.  Because what a view it was.

Maddie’s body was impeccable.  Her curves were perfectly proportioned on a body with long, silky legs and a tight abdomen.  The way her soft blonde curls fell across her shoulders and her stunning features were more than enough to grab any eye on the beach.

“You’re staring…”  Maddie smiled at me but didn’t turn her head.  I couldn’t tell where her eyes were looking but I had hoped they weren’t pointed at me.  Otherwise I might have to blame my red face on a sunburn.  And with my olive skin, she knew I rarely ever got those.

“I was just admiring your bathing suit.  It’s cute.”  No.  It’s not cute.  It’s hot.  Really, really, hot.

“Thanks.  I would say yours is cute too but I wouldn’t know.”  Maddie turned her head and pointed at me.  “Are you planning on wearing your jeans the whole time or are you going to let yourself breathe a little?”

I wanted to tell Maddie that the blaring heat wasn’t what was causing me to have trouble breathing but I couldn’t.  I had told myself that if I wanted Maddie I would have to take it one step at a time.  And since I wasn’t normally the aggressor in any type of relationship, it was going to be very small steps.  But I also knew that if I wanted Maddie I might have to kick it up a notch.

Maddie kept her eyes on me as I stood slowly.  “You’re right, it’s really hot out here.”  I took the hem of my shirt and peeled off my black tank slowly.  The cool breeze on my torso felt so invigorating.  I caught a glance of Maddie staring at me behind my own sunglasses and suppressed a smile.  As I unbuttoned my jeans, I made a point to remove them slowly, allowing her the full view of my skin being exposed inch by inch.  I folded my clothes and placed them on the blanket to my right.  Turning fully to her I gave her my best, slow, sexy smile and was rewarded with a heated stare. Maddie’s glasses were so dark that I couldn’t see what her eyes held but her skin was now blushed and I knew that the impromptu strip tease did its job.

She swallowed and cleared her throat.  “Cute.”  I looked down at my black bikini and mentally patted myself on my back for all those extra hours at the gym.  I had been at my fittest in my whole life and a shiver ran up my spine knowing that Maddie probably thought the same thing.

I smirked at Maddie as I held her gaze. I couldn’t tell if she was looking at my eyes physically but I felt her heated glare on me.  She clucked her tongue and opened her mouth to say something but she was rudely interrupted.

“Hello, ladies.”  Two handsome men who looked like they spent their life in the gym now stood in front of me and Maddie.  I took my seat back on my towel as I hugged my knees, consciously covering my body.  I guess it was a habit that I couldn’t break.

“Hello,” I said with a slightly irritated tone.  I wonder what Maddie was about to say before Thor interrupted.  I noticed Maddie pull her glasses higher on her nose as she eyed the men in front of us.

“We need two more for our volleyball game,” he pointed to a stretch of beach down the way.  “Any chance you would be willing to help us even the teams out?”  He gave us a brilliant smile and to his credit made a point to look at both of us for an answer, rather than just the gorgeous blonde laying in front of him.

I opened my mouth to decline but instead Maddie answered for us.  “Sure.”  She got up and stretched, her long, lithe body lengthening with toned arms reaching for the sunlit sky.  I looked up at her with a protest on my tongue but she bent down and grabbed my hand, easily pulling me up.  She lifted her sunglasses and spoke close to my face.

“Let’s go show these guys what we’re made of.”  She winked and turned walking off to where the two men were ushering us.  I clenched my jaw but when I saw Maddie turn and wave me over to her my resolve weakened.  Yeah, I’d follow her wherever she asked.

***

I ended up playing two games and sitting the third one out due to the ridiculous inability to play volleyball.  Maddie, however, seemed like she was meant for the game.  It wasn’t that much of a surprise though, Maddie did have the innate ability to be good at anything she did.

“Wow, she’s a beast,” I looked over to my right at Rebecca.  Or was it Trish?  I wasn’t sure seeing as her twin sister was currently playing in the game as well.  When we had first joined in on the game I was wary of the group, not knowing if they knew who Maddie was.  If they did though, they didn’t comment on it and for that I was grateful.  It also helped that they were genuinely nice people and it had been a lot of fun playing with them.

“Yeah.  She tends to be good at most everything she does.”

Rebecca nodded at my words.  “How long have you two been together?”  The water I had just taken a sip of ended up on the sand as I sputtered the rest of it from my throat.

“Oh, we’re not together.  She’s just my friend.”  I wiped my mouth as I looked over at Maddie who held a worried expression.  I smiled at her letting her know I was okay and she nodded her head, returning her attention to the game.

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I just thought…well…I hope I didn’t offend you.”

I chuckled lightly.  “I’m not offended at all.  You pegged me right, she’s just not my girlfriend.”

“Does she know that?”  Rebecca tilted her head at me and raised an eyebrow.  “Because she hasn’t stopped staring at you since you guys joined the game.”  A bright smile touched her face and a knowing gaze graced her fine features.

I waved her off and tried to change the subject.  “So do you live around here?”

Rebecca chuckled her own breathy laugh. “Was that a line?”

My face blushed as I stuttered. “Oh…no…I didn’t…I mean…”  Rebecca nudged my shoulder with her own.

“It’s okay, I’m just teasing you.  Plus, I hope that’s not your best line because I doubt you could get ‘stems’ over there in your bed with that.”

I furrowed my brows.  “Stems?”

Rebecca jutted her chin over to Maddie.  “You know, stems. Her legs go for miles.”

My teeth clenched as Rebecca’s open ogling of Maddie.  I wanted to turn her head away but that would have been too obvious.  “Does she know that you have it hot and heavy for her?”

I shook my head, trying to play it off.  “I told you we’re just friends.  I don’t…”

“Well then, if you’re not into her does that mean that you’re free for dinner tonight?”  I was left speechless.  This conversation had gone zero to sixty in less than three seconds and I was forcing myself to keep up.

“You’re asking me out?”

Rebecca made it a point to roam her eyes from my toes to my head and I blushed under her gaze.  It was still uncomfortable for me to be openly appreciated like that.

“Yeah, I guess I am.  That is, if you’re available.”

She was challenging me and it left me in a predicament.  I still didn’t know if she knew exactly who Maddie was so I had to tread carefully.  The last thing I wanted was for some random stranger to out her to the media for a quick buck.

“I appreciate the offer but I’m already seeing someone.”

Rebecca winced.  “Ouch.  Rejected.  But I guess I would do the same if I was in love with her too.”

I started growing frustrated at her assumptions, no matter how right they were.  I sighed as I tried to steady my nerves.  She must have caught on to my frustration.

“Sorry,” she apologized. “I’m not used to beautiful women turning me down.  When I told Mac to go get you to play, it was because I was interested in what I saw.  I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

My eyes widened.  I could tell that she probably got any woman she wanted with her dark auburn hair and fair green eyes.  If I hadn’t already been hung up on a certain blonde, Rebecca would have been just my type.  “I’m not upset, and I’m flattered.  It’s just, not a lot of women find me ‘interesting’ as you put it.”

Rebecca eyed me and that knowing smile made its appearance yet again.  “Don’t get me wrong, I think your friend over there is beautiful, but I’m more into brunettes.”  She gave me a heated glare.  I could tell she was still trying to get me to say yes to her proposition even though I had already turned her down.

“But blondes have so much fun, isn’t that what they say?”  I turned away from Rebecca at Maddie’s voice.  She was holding her arms around her middle in a defensive stance.  Maddie was boring a whole into Rebecca’s head, both women holding a challenging glare for dominance.  When Rebecca finally looked away after moments of dead silence I knew that it was time for us to leave.  I stood as I reached for Maddie but then quickly pulled my hand away, not wanting anyone to think that she was anything more than a friend.  I turned to Rebecca, “It was nice meeting you.  Thanks for the game and the water,” I held up my bottle and Rebecca gave me a terse smile.

“If you ever find yourself out this way again, be sure to give me a call…” she looked at Maddie with a quick smirk as she handed me a business card.  I glanced down at it, “Rebecca Morrison, Photographer.”  Her profession made my nerves skyrocket but I pushed them aside.  Rebecca, although extremely forward and confident, didn’t seem like she was too interested in getting pictures of Maddie for any reason.

“Thanks, I will,” it was a polite gesture but both of us knew I wouldn’t call.  Not with Maddie a constant in my life.

With a few more goodbyes and waves of our hands, Maddie and I started walking back to our belongings with the setting sun.  The evening had already dropped a few degrees and when before the breeze was cool against the warmth of the sun, the gusts now seemed to hold a more biting chill.

“Are you going to take her up on her offer?”  Maddie asked as we reached out towels.  I still held the business card in my hand and I looked down at it quickly.  Looking back up at Maddie I cocked one eyebrow up, testing the waters.

“She was nice wasn’t she?”

Maddie rolled her eyes and scoffed at my description.  “She’s a shark, that’s what she is.”

I held back a smile at her description.  “Why do you think that?”

Maddie shrugged as she started to dress, placing her board shorts over her deep green bikini bottoms and pulling over a long flowing white shirt.  The contrast of the white against her bronzed, tan skin made my mouth go dry.  She was simply stunning and I don’t even think she knew it.

“She has this thing about her.  Plus I saw her openly checking you out.”  Maddie turned to me with the towel in her hand, “That just screams player.  So just be careful.”  She busied herself with getting the rest of our things together.  Her face was contorted and eyes furrowed with frustration.  I knew that she was jealous by my earlier remarks but I had only wanted to tease her, not actually put her in a bad mood.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” I moved to Maddie but she distanced herself, taking a step back and using the large blanket as a barrier.

“You don’t have to be.”

“Then why are you acting like this?”  I challenged her.  Her own eyes casted downward, the setting sun reflecting orange in the green and I took a deep breath at the insecurity and beauty I saw.  She opened her mouth to say something but then shook her head.

“I’m just acting as a concerned friend, that’s all.”  She continued to pick up our blankets, towels, and bags until her arms were full.  It kept her busy until finally I had enough.  I reached out and took hold of her arm, the muscles immediately tensing.

“Thank you,” my words carried along the cool breeze.  I wasn’t sure what I was thanking her for.  Maybe it was her concern, the way she constantly protected me, but so much of it was also her just being there.  Maddie had come back into my life, restoring a sense of self that I hadn’t felt in so long.  I glanced down at her lips, those beautiful perfectly shaped lips and so much of me wanted to close the distance and finally taste them.  But as another cool wind touched my warming skin, a shiver ran through me and our contact broke.

“Come on, it’s getting cold.  And we don’t want to hit too much traffic on the way back.”  She pulled away from me as I watched her retreat.  I listened to the waves crash behind me as I took a step forward and then another until I was walking in step beside her.

Chapter 12

“Do you want to come in?”  Maddie jingled her keys opening the door wide.  I took a step forward to follow but held back.  My mind went swiftly to the car ride home, driving across PCH with the ocean stretching limitlessly to the horizon.  We had been mostly quiet, enjoying the beautiful sights which paled in comparison when I would glance to my right.   I had come to realize that watching Maddie when she is unaware was my most favorite past time.  She was stunning in her contemplation and at times I wish I knew what she was thinking.  If it was something she was concerned about, maybe even a happy memory, maybe she was thinking about me?

But as I stood there thinking, watching Maddie waiting for my response, I suddenly grew nervous, scared, insecure.  Maddie was a beautiful, talented and all around stunning person.  For god’s sake she was gorgeous and I realized way out of my league.  No matter if I knew Maddie had feelings for me, how did I know that she wouldn’t leave at my innate ability to be everything geeky and stupid.  How could I compete with the thousands of women that were in her league?  The models and actresses that would stand in line for only one chance to be with her?

“Actually, I think I’m going to head home. It was a long day,” I finally said.

She seemed disappointed but didn’t comment on my change of mood.  Again, so much was left unsaid.  It seemed to be a pattern with the two of us, mainly because of me.

As I said goodnight and walked home I turned my head to the sky. Wondering if my father’s star was looking at me.  Did he see me as a streak across his sky?  Just a brief glowing grain of sand running quickly as possible away from the comfort of the blanketing darkness?  I wish that I could talk to him, ask him if I was doing it right, this thing that I call a life.  But a sickness enveloped me because I knew I didn’t need his advice.  And as I walked up the stairs and made it to my room I admonished myself for not taking Maddie up on her offer.  Because I knew what that offer had meant.  I knew that I would have shown her my true feelings but yet again, here I was, alone.  What was I so afraid of?

I opened the blinds to my window and peered out across the way.  Maddie’s was already unlocked, the light breeze of the night fluttering her curtains and her blonde waves.  She stared back at me, her feet propped on the branch in front of her, her hands holding a familiar looking book.

I undid the lock on my own window and pulled up allowing the night air to give its soft caress across my face.

“It’s good.  Better than the last, I think,” she said.  I raised my eyebrows giving her a soft smile.

“You’ve read it all?”  If she had I don’t know why she looked so sad.  She knew the book held so much symbolism of our friendship and more and the end had left no doubt of how I felt for Maddie.

She shook her head.  “Not the last chapter…”

“Why not?”  I took my usual seat on the sill, studying her dimmed features, trying to read her mind but failing miserably.

A shrug of her shoulder.  A hand placing her hair behind her ear.  “I don’t know if I want to know how it ends just yet.  I like to be surprised.”  She looked up at me and a sudden smile appeared.  In that moment in the corner of my eye I saw a rare occurrence in the polluted Los Angeles sky.  A brightly lit star made itself known as it shot across my line of sight.  And in that moment, I realized that maybe my father did see me as a shooting star, but while I thought I was running away, I think my father was telling me that I knew I was running toward her.

I took a deep breath.  “And like the waves in front of me, her memory would swell inside, rolling with the familiarity of time.  Each would crash with a deafening roar as I recalled every moment, every second, and every detail and just like the waves they would return to the sea, reaching back toward the infinite horizon, only to return again.  It was those moments when I realized how incredibly lucky I was to have her.  How incredibly ignorant I was to lose her.  She said I didn’t know what love is, but I do.  It’s her.  It always has been and always will be.  And when I glance out as another wave crashes I see her footprints in the sand.  Ghosts of where she was fading with the surf but newly formed imprints created as she steps closer to me.  Through the years of these memories lost I came to find them once again.  She was here, with me, and I knew as long as the stars shone for our loved ones lost; as long as the sea swelled with the memories of her words, her face, her love, I would be home.  No matter where we were, she was home.”

I sat silent as I finished reciting the last paragraph of the book.  My heart raced as I watched her comprehend what I had just said.  Her expression held nothing for me to figure out what she was thinking.

“I realized how much I regretted not telling you how I felt that night you left.”  I paused waiting for a reaction but Maddie didn’t budge.  I contemplated stopping there but the words were impossible to stop.  “When I finally realized what you were telling me a part of me wanted to reach out and hold onto you and never let you go.”  I felt the stinging in my eyes begin as my throat closed.  “But the other part of me knew I would hold you back.  If you stayed you wouldn’t realize your dream…I couldn’t do that to you.  You had something to prove and I was just standing in the way.  It took me a long time to come to terms with what I had done.  To make myself believe that my holding back was the best thing for you.”

“I wrote those books to try to give myself a sense of comfort.  To really know that I had done the right thing to let you to go…and I began to release the regret of losing you out shadowed the fact that you were living your dream.”  I ducked my head to my hands as I rubbed my face.  “The only problem was I could let the regret go but I couldn’t get you out of my mind.  I wouldn’t even go see your movies, did you know that?  Just seeing your picture made my stomach flip, so I hid from you.  And then I saw the last one and I just…I knew that this was the way that the story should end.  Because Blake shouldn’t have let her go, he should have asked Holly to stay with him.  Just like how I should’ve asked you to stay as well.”

I had done it.  I had told Maddie the whole story and my chest felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of it.  I didn’t know what to expect but it definitely wasn’t what I saw Maddie do.  Instead of Maddie speaking, saying something, even just one word to acknowledge what I had just told her, she turned away from me, closed her window and then the curtains, and then the lights.  I sat there, staring at where she once was and the tears fell like rain.  I should have known she wouldn’t react kindly to the knowledge that I had hid my feelings from her.  I broke her heart that night and it was intentional.  How does someone trust you after that?

“B?”  The soft voice of my mother came through my closed door as I wiped away the tears quickly.  I didn’t want to open it, knowing she would ask questions of why I was crying.

“Yeah?”  I cleared my throat as it croaked.

“Maddie is at the door, thought I should let you know.”  I heard my mother walk back to her room as I quickly stood.  Not allowing my brain to overthink anything I opened my door and ran down the dark stairway.  I don’t know how my brain was telling my body to move.  I felt numb and if it weren’t for my eyes registering the movement of my quickening pace I would think that I was paralyzed.

I found Maddie standing on the porch, her eyes downcast and her arms held around her chest, as if she was holding herself.  When she heard my shuffling feet she looked up, her expression still as blank as I saw a few minutes ago.

I stepped out on the porch with her as I closed the door behind me, not wanting my mother to hear.  She would already give me the third degree tomorrow morning but right now I didn’t want any interruptions.

“Hi,” I whispered.  Maddie glanced up at me and opened her mouth but closed it again.  She looked over my shoulder, around the porch, anywhere but at me.

“Maddie…” I tried but she held up her hand for me to stop.  She finally took a chance and looked at me.

“I can’t even tell you how I feel right now.  Everything you just said…” she shook her head.  “I need time to let it sink in.”

I nodded my head, still keeping my silence at her upturned palm.  I would give her all the time she needed.  I wanted to ask her why she came over here to tell me this.  I wanted to ask why she was at my doorstep when all she had to do was tell me from across the large Oak but I wasn’t about to say anything more.  I think I wreaked enough havoc on her heart for a while.

And then when I thought she was going to turn and leave she instead took a step forward and then another and another.  I took a deep breath in as her body almost became flush with mine.  Her eyes darted to mine and then they softened as her own breath stilled in the night air.  Finally she let out a deep sigh as she closed the remaining distance, placing the softest of kisses on my lips.  It was so sincere, so intense that the contrasting feelings warred inside of me.  I responded into the kiss but allowed her to take control, afraid that any movement would wake me from this dream. And as fast as it had started the kiss ended, leaving me with the purest sense of wanting more.  She placed her head on my forehead breathing in my breath, taking it from my lungs and me giving it to her willingly.

“Good night,” I heard her whisper.  My brain barely registered the words.  Barely registered her taking a step back and turning away from me.  Barely registered her walking off of the porch and back to her house.  And then finally, when my senses came to and I realized she was no longer there something inside of me broke.  I flashed back to Maddie walking away ten years ago, and although tonight had ended in a kiss I realized I never wanted to watch her walk away from me again.  So with the last ounce of will I had in me left, I forced my legs to move.  Forced my lungs to breathe and forced my heart to beat.

“Maddie, wait!”  I caught her halfway to her house, her eyes twinkling with the street lights.  She waited for me, standing there in her stunning beauty.  And without saying a word I brought my lips to hers again.  While Maddie’s kiss was soft and sincere, mine held nothing back.  Everything I had ever felt for Maddie was in that kiss.  The love, the hurt, the longing.  When I slowed for a moment to catch my breath she drew me in closer, her lips finding mine again.  I moaned deeply when I felt her tongue graze mine and at the sound of her own throaty groan my knees buckled.  Never had I felt anything akin to this.  I was grounded, yet soaring, the stars in my eyes more brilliant than anything I had seen in the night sky.

I finally peeled away from her, disconnecting my lips but still holding her.  So many words were on my tongue but the taste of her vanished any thought.  All I wanted to do was keep kissing her but I knew that we eventually had to stop or the neighbors would see more than I was willing to show.

A heartbeat later we were kissing again.  I hadn’t realized that we had made it to her door, then to the inside of her foyer and then to the living room couch. I felt Maddie all over me, her hands impossibly touching everywhere as if there were hundreds of them.  I breathed in every one of her breaths, our hearts pounding in time with the rhythm our bodies were unknowingly dancing to.  Her body was so soft, so strong under my own and as she moaned yet again as my hips slipped between her legs my sudden need faltered to something more urgent.  I pulled away in a haze, gazing down at the impossibly dark green eyes that held me in their lock.

“Maddie…”  I breathed out and placed my ear on her chest, listening to the erratic beating of her heart.  When both of our breathing returned and the vibrations of our hearts settled into a slow rhythm I looked up.  The fog seemed to have cleared and I sat up, chewing on my bottom lip, so many questions needing to be said.

“Aren’t you upset?”  Probably not the best way to start a conversation after the heated session we just experienced.  I closed my eyes and berated myself for my stupidity.  My eyelids fluttered open at the feeling of Maddie’s soft fingers caressing my cheek.  Just like her words had done to me for years, the touch was only but a whisper but I felt it deep in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m furious, sad, scared…” I traced her green eyes that had returned to somewhat of her normal color.  The water starting to pool in them let me know that my words had hit her hard but they had still needed to be said.  “…relieved.”  Her face broke out into a small smile and I didn’t try to hold back my own.

“I didn’t want to upset you, I just needed you to know.  If there was ever a chance for us, I needed you to know that I’ve felt this way since I met you, not just when you returned.”  I tilted my head hoping that she believed me.  Hoping that she would understand why I needed to tell her about the past and just how much I had wanted her then; just how much I wanted her now.

She adjusted her body to sit upright on the couch, exhaling a breath of confusion or relief or something else that I couldn’t quite place.  I knew Maddie, but in a way I didn’t as well.  I could tell she was battling her emotions but what those emotions were an enigma.

She stood without words and I followed her form as she made her way to the kitchen.  I took the time to settle my own body and hoped that my temperature would lower from the feverish intensity that I still felt rushing through my veins.  How many times did I feel this with another woman?  I tried to place the last time I was intimate with someone but the experience fell short of any feeling that I just had with Maddie.  Hell, just being in her presence fell short of any intimate moment with a woman.  Kissing her blew those emotions out of the water.  I couldn’t imagine how much stronger I would feel when it led to more.  If.  I shook my head.  If it led to more.

I couldn’t assume so much anymore, that was something that I knew I had to change about myself.  Sure Maddie had responded to my kiss and touches but I didn’t give her much chance not to.  I basically attacked her after she said she needed time and now I was sitting alone, stewing in my own thoughts, not knowing if this was just a fleeting moment in a dream I had cooked up in my head.

“Don’t think too hard, please.  I’d rather talk to you than see you run out of here afraid that you’ve done something wrong.”  Maddie returned holding two hot cups of coffee.  Handing me one I thanked her, amazed at how well she could read me, even after all this time.

“So I haven’t?”  I whispered over my sip of coffee and then spoke in a clearer voice, “Done something wrong?”

Maddie turned towards me, our knees barely touching on the couch that we had just been laying on, where her mouth and hands were doing devilish things that I couldn’t even explain. The thought back to that moment made my cheeks blush and I took another sip of coffee willing the feeling to return to normal so that I could at least be present for this conversation.

“You can hardly do anything wrong, B.  Although, you not telling me how you felt…well that was something that came out of left field.  You were very convincing.  Maybe you should have been the actress.”  Her eyes lowered to her mug as she traced the rim of it with her finger.

“I was young, Maddie.  I didn’t know what was right or wrong at the time.”  I placed my free hand on her knee, the warmth of her settling within me.  “All I knew was what you wanted to be in life and I didn’t want to hold you back.  I couldn’t see you wanting to stay with some awkward girl who was still in high school.”

“I don’t remember an awkward girl.  Just someone who was funny and selfless and honest.”  She made sure to say that last part with inflection to make her point.  “But I guess I could have been more forthcoming too.  Instead of waiting until the morning I left to tell you how I felt.  I put you in a position that you weren’t ready for and I’m sorry I did that to you.”  She inhaled deeply.  “You don’t know how many times I kicked myself for coming out to you like that.  I should have done it when I started to have feelings for you.”

“When was that?”  I was interested.  When did Maddie start liking me?  A brief image of her braiding my hair and telling me I was beautiful ran through my mind.  Surely it couldn’t have been then, when I was chubby and stroppy and all together a stick in the mud.

“It was gradual,” she shrugged her shoulder.  “I think it really set in when that girl asked you out.”

My smile slowly made an appearance.  Still after all this time she said ‘that girl’.  “Regan you mean?”  I raised an eyebrow as Maddie waved her hands, wiping away the name from the air.

“Yeah, her.  She was so…I don’t know.  Out there.  And I didn’t trust her and I just remember feeling utterly helpless that you had said yes to her and how you probably wouldn’t say yes to me.  Especially if she was your type.  I couldn’t compete with that.”

My eyes softened as I remembered Maddie constantly asking me if Regan was my type.  I had always just thought she was being protective of me.  Not once had I imagined it was because she thought I wouldn’t be interested in her more feminine looks.

“And I had broken up with her because I didn’t think it was fair to be in a relationship with someone when I had feelings for someone else.”

Maddie’s mouth was slightly agape.  “Am I right to assume that person was me?”

I rolled my eyes as I took a small decorative pillow and threw it at Maddie.  She chuckled as she grabbed it, along with my hand.  Her eyes darkened as I placed the coffee mug on the table next to her own.  I leaned over Maddie, placing her hair behind her ear, allowing me to see the stunning green of those eyes.  She was so strikingly beautiful that my soul ached.  How had I gone this long not being able to look at her like this with such open intensity?

I closed the last remaining distance with a short, soft kiss to her lips.  When I pulled back she placed her hand on my cheek.

“I take it you’re sleeping in your own bed tonight?”  Her raspy voice sent a shiver from the top of my spine down to my toes.  I wanted to take her up on her unspoken offer but I knew we both needed time to let what was happening to sink in.

“You know my rule.  No sleeping over on school nights.”  She smiled at me and nodded and I sat up, standing from the couch and holding my hand out to her.  “Walk me to the door?”

And she did while giving me a proper good night and making me feel like throwing caution to the wind and giving into my desires to feel her body under me; on top of me.  And as I made my way home and up to my room, careful to not wake my mother, I looked out across my still opened blinds and caught Maddie staring back.  I felt warm, protected, elated.  Nothing could touch me now.

Chapter 13

How to date a celebrity?  Was I really typing this into Google?  I click ‘search’ as I looked at the clock.  I had twenty minutes before my class started but still kept a close eye on the door.  The last thing I wanted was to have someone surprise me by walking in early and see what I was researching.  How would you explain that, B?

The results were staggering to say the least.  Over two hundred thousand hits on one simple sentence.  Did that many people actually have experience dating a celebrity?  I doubted it but I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought.

The first few articles I read through were about quite popular celebrities and their wives or significant others.  If I had thought that researching the topic would make me feel less anxious about the implications of dating Maddie then I was wrong.  One thought seemed to stick out at me.  You’re not in a relationship with the person.  You’re in a relationship with the world.  If your significant other is a celebrity, get ready to deal with your personal life being on front stage.  You’re no longer just someone on the street, now you’re in a life where everyone knows everything about you, sometimes better than you know yourself.

I closed the laptop, staring out into the empty classroom.  My mind had wistfully gone to last night with Maddie’s hands roaming my back and her lips touching my own.  It didn’t dawn on me until this morning that I wasn’t just dating Maddie, the woman next door.  When I received a call from Liz Tierney something clicked into place.

“Sony just announced the new movie and if the book reviews are anything to judge what the movie is going to be like, then your friend is going to have a long and healthy career.  They are even talking possible Oscar nominations.”

Liz’s voice was thrilled and ecstatic and although I was happy that everything was going well I didn’t want to think about the implications of what this would do to our relationship.  Relationship?  You don’t have a label yet.  You’ve barely kissed her that doesn’t make you her girlfriend.

So how do you date a celebrity that has managed to keep her personal life out of the media by not even having one?  Earlier I had wanted to call Maddie and ask her out on a date.  But what would that mean?  Could we go out to the movies?  Go to dinner?  Could we hold hands and kiss and pretend like there wasn’t a possibility that she would end up in some tabloid about her exploits with a school teacher from the valley?

“Hi, Ms. Montgomery.”  The sudden greeting from one of my students almost made me spill my coffee.  I saved myself from smiling back and saying good morning to the trickling of students coming into the classroom.  The twenty minutes that I once had was now only down to five but the bodies in the class let me know that I wouldn’t even have that to allow me the comfort of worrying.  I guess that would have to wait until after school.

***

“For your final project,” I waited until the cheers and applause died down.  Next week was the last day of summer school and I knew the kids were excited to have two free weeks before the school semester started again.  “I want you to write a controversial subject and your stance on that subject and turn it into me.  You have five minutes to come up with something, start now.”  I watched the students quickly jot down on their papers.  Bryan Donnelly who had to retake my class this summer for drop failing last semester was the first one to bring his paper up.  I didn’t want to look down at it, afraid of what I would see.   For those first few weeks after Maddie’s talk to the students, Bryan had been on his best behavior, but even that seemed to wear off as the days passed.  I gathered all of the student projects and paper clipped them, placing them on my desk.

“So now that I have every one’s topics, I’ll give you the details of what the final project is going to be.”

“Didn’t we just turn in our subjects?”  Tracey stated from the front of the room.  I pointed at her and smiled.

“Yes you did, but you will be arguing the opposite stance of what you wrote down.”  I heard the mob groan in protest and one voice over powered the rest.

“That’s bullshit!  I want to change my subject, then.  I’m not arguing for gay marriage!”

“Bryan, enough with the profanity,” I looked at him sternly and he lowered in his seat slightly.  “As I was saying, whatever your stance is on the subject you will be arguing the opposite.  It’s important to understand that every controversial topic has two sides.  This project allows you to delve deep into the side that you’re not too fond of, but gives you ways to understand why the topic is discussed as it is.  These speeches are due in one week.  Get to researching – have a good weekend.”

I watched the students gather their things and head out one by one.  Bryan Donnelly gave me one last look of what I could only call hatred and walked out.  As I too, gathered my own items to leave I quickly checked my phone for any missed calls.  My heart started to beat quickly as I glanced down, seeing a text from Maddie.

La Shenz at 8? I’ll pick you up at 7:30.

I quickly typed my response and pocketed my phone. Maybe I was making this whole dating thing more difficult than it really was after all.

***

“You look beautiful.”  I beamed at Maddie’s compliment from across the table.  The hostess had allowed us to sit in a cozy corner away from any prying eyes.  I wasn’t sure if Maddie had requested it or if the hostess had realized that we would like some privacy but I was happy for the spot.  Maddie’s back was turned to the restaurant and it seemed that no one was aware that the lead actress from Breakaway was dining with them.

“Thank you.  And thank you for taking me here,” I eyed the beautiful centerpiece and décor of the fancy restaurant.  “But I have to let you in on a secret,” I whispered as I drew myself closer to Maddie.  “I have no idea what all these forks are for.”

Maddie laughed heartily and pointed.  “Salad, entrée, dessert.  When in doubt just work your way in.”  She winked at me and my embarrassment flushed my face.

“When did you get so fancy?”  I teased.  Her gaze dropped down at her napkin.

“Wining and dining with execs in New York.  Those guys don’t seem to know how to do anything less than extravagant.”  I could tell she wanted to say more but she held her tongue.  Maybe it wasn’t a conversation meant for my ears.

“Well, thank you all in the same.  I’ve never been to a restaurant where you needed more than one fork for dinner.  Or this…”  I held up a strange looking instrument that looked like it belonged on a horror film and not at the dinner table.  Maddie chuckled.

“Those are escargot tongs,” she said as she drank a sip of her wine.  My eyes widened and I set it down just as quickly as I had picked them up.

“Please don’t tell me that snail is on today’s menu,” I pleaded with my eyes.  Maddie’s own eyes sparkled with amusement.

“No snail, understood.”

The evening passed with easy conversation and delicious foods.  Maddie regaled me with stories of her time in New York, about working on the set of Breakaway and her co-stars.  I in turn tried to match her own adventures with mine in teaching and finding out the balance between writing a few bestselling books and keeping Randle Gooding a secret.

“Why didn’t you want people to know, though,” Maddie asked in a conspirator’s whisper.  She eyed me over the rim of her wine glass as I pushed around the chocolate covered strawberries of my dessert.

“I was only seventeen.  I had already been accepted to Cal State and I knew I wanted to be a teacher.  Plus I was a little embarrassed,” I smiled shyly.

“Embarrassed about what?  The books are amazing.”

“Well, I didn’t know that until they started selling out.  What if they were horrible?  What if my name was attached to something that received awful reviews?  I didn’t want that to happen.  Plus, in sci-fi, no matter if this is the 21st century, male authors still do better than female authors.  It was a way for me to stay anonymous with still getting my story out there.”

“Are you still afraid that someone will find out?”  Maddie asked.

I considered her question.  At first I had been more than afraid.  I was sure people would see me as hiding behind a fake persona and want to know why I had done that, just like Maddie had.  But after years of anonymity and the talk of Randle Gooding as nothing but a recluse, hiding out in the woods, I believed it wouldn’t be so bad.

“Not afraid, no.  But if it were to happen I know that I probably wouldn’t be able to teach anymore.  That makes me believe that I would never want to give out my identity.  I love my job, I love the students,” I paused and then smiled, “well most of them at least.  I love knowing that these kids are really our future and I have a hand in helping them decide what they want to do with their life.”

I felt Maddie’s hand close over my own and a warmth spread over me.  I held it for a few moments until I realized we were in a very public place.  Even if we were secluded from many of the restaurant patrons, all it took was one waiter to recognize the intimate gesture and then all bets were off.

I cleared my throat and removed my hand from hers as Maddie eyed me with slight confusion.  Then her gaze softened as she readjusted in her seat.  “Anyways, what about you?  What happens when the movie ends?”

Maddie shrugged her shoulder.  “I guess it all depends on how the movie is reviewed.  If I suck then I can probably kiss my career goodbye.”

“Thank goodness you don’t suck,” I retorted.  Maddie gave me a wink and again my cheeks blushed.  How could she do that with a simple gesture?

“And what about this?”  It was a question that had been on my mind all night.  Although I loved just being with Maddie we both knew it was the white elephant in the room.  We had kissed, we had taken our friendship to the next level and we were still dancing around the fact that Maddie isn’t out.  She has never commented about her relationships whether past or present and this could possibly be a career ending move.

“You mean us?” She whispered.  I nodded my head, waiting to hear what she had to say.  Of course, the ever pessimist in me could only go to the negative.  She’d want to keep everything a secret, hide us from prying eyes because her career was too special, too new.

“I already spoke to my publicist about it.”

“You did?”

Maddie smiled graciously at me. “Of course.  I needed to know my options.  What the best way is dealing with this,” she pointed between us and at that moment I wanted to throw my arms around her.

“And what did your publicist say?”

Maddie’s eyes yet again shifted downward but she took a deep breath and finally met my eyes.  “It’s difficult.  I haven’t been open about anything in the media but then again, I really didn’t have to.  I just kept to myself, let the tabloids say their rumors and not think anything of it.  But…” she took another deep breath, “my publicist thinks that now is not the best time to come out, especially with the movie starting production so soon.”  Her eyes softened and she looked nervous.  “It’s not going to be easy to be with me, so I understand if you maybe want to hold off until after…until things settle down.”

I felt as though I was kicked in the chest.  “Is that what you want?”

Maddie looked at me with wide eyes and shook her head.  “God no, I want the exact opposite.  I want to shout it from the rooftops, but B, you have to understand.  If this movie goes the way it is planned to go there isn’t going to be much privacy.  I’ve learned to deal with it, but you’re going to be talked about.  People are going to say mean things and dive deep into your life.  It’s just difficult to date someone like me.”  She was vulnerable, scared, and utterly adorable.

“Then we deal with it a day at a time.”  I shrugged a shoulder.  “Because I don’t care if my face is plastered along every news outlet in the nation.  As long as you’re willing to try this, then I’ll take it.”

“Really?”

“Really,” I said with honesty.  I watched as Maddie’s sincere gaze shift into something more intimate and my heart sped up at what I thought that look meant.

“Check please!”

Chapter 14

September 2016

I took a step up to Maddie’s door and raised to knock but held back.  I looked over my shoulder at Vanessa and breathed out.  “There’s something I should probably tell you before we go in.”

Vanessa looked at me with a hesitant glare.  In the days leading up to Maddie’s Labor Day barbeque, we had discussed allowing a few people to know about our growing relationship.  While we were still careful about the public knowing, we decided that it was best for the closest people in our lives to know.  Maddie had discussed it with Josh who I would be meeting for the first time today.  And I in turn had asked Vanessa to join me in meeting my new girlfriend.  I had been tongue tied to tell her exactly who that was and figured the best way to do it was to surprise her.

I didn’t say I was the smartest person alive.

My heart beat with the anxiety of telling Vanessa.  I wasn’t sure how she would take the sudden knowledge that I was in fact dating her favorite actress.

“Go on then, the food smells amazing and I’m famished.”  Vanessa smiled, “and I can’t wait to meet your beau,” she wiggled her eyebrows.

“Yeah, about that,” I started but couldn’t finish as the door opened.

“B!  There you are, I was just about to call you.”  My mother stood in Maddie’s doorway and her eyes twinkled with mischief.  I had told my mother a few weeks ago about my relationship with Maddie and I knew she was holding back an ‘I told you so’.  Instead she hugged me and said she only wanted me happy and could tell that Maddie did that for me.

“Hey, Mom, have you been here for long?”  My mother ushered us in, telling us that she had arrived an hour ago.  After Vanessa gave her pleasantries we made our way to the large back yard where most of the party goers were.

“So about my girlfriend,” I whispered over to Vanessa.  But Vanessa wasn’t listening.  Instead she held my arm in a vice grip as she stared out across the lawn.

“Oh my god, did you know that Madeline Fields was going to be here?  You didn’t tell me your girlfriend knows her!”  She gave me a stage whisper and I winced at the loudness of her voice.

“Vanessa, that’s what I was trying to tell you,” I breathed out as I tried to get Vanessa’s attention.  Her gaze was locked on Maddie and I couldn’t blame her.  In a flowing dark green shirt and long, white skirt, she was the epitome of perfection.

“You were trying to tell me that the girl next door you’re dating is friends with Madeline Fields?”

“Well, actually I was trying to tell you that the girl next door is Madeline Fields.”  I waited for the lightbulb to go off but Vanessa looked at me with confusion.

“I thought you said you were dating the girl next door,” I eyed Vanessa not responding, waiting for her to realize what my point was.  Finally her eyes widened.

“You’re dating Madeline Fields?!”  I clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide behind my hand.

“Jesus, Vanessa.  Just let the whole world know why don’t you?!”  I had to chuckle as I moved my hand away from her mouth.

“Sorry, it’s just…does she know that?”

I rolled my eyes at Vanessa.  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure she knows.”  Vanessa’s gaze roamed back over to Maddie as she let out a low whistle.

“Damn girl, you’re hitting the hottest woman alive.”  My cheeks burned with the words as I nudged her with my elbow.

“I’m not ‘hitting’ her…yet.”  I waved a hand in the air as Vanessa opened her mouth to ask me about my statement.  “Look, can you keep this to yourself for a while?  We’re not out yet because of the movie so we’re only telling the people closest to us.”

Vanessa’s eyes softened.  “And you told me?”

“Of course, you’re one of my closest friends.  And if I keep declining your offers to meet my girlfriend you probably would think I was making her up.”

“Well thanks for letting me know this way.  You sure do have a way of letting the cat out of the bag.”

I raised an eyebrow at her.  “Would you have believed me if I told you without actually seeing her in the flesh?”

Vanessa tilted her head.  “You have a point.”

I laughed at her as I ushered her over to where Maddie was standing.  Her deep laughter filled my ears as we stepped into the conversation.  Maddie looked up from the gentleman that she was speaking to and her eyes landed on me.  A sparkle of appreciation traced my form and I cleared my throat under her heated gaze.

“Hey, Maddie.  Sorry to interrupt,” I smiled shyly at her but she waved her hand.

“Hey, B.  No apology necessary.  This is Josh.”  I looked at the handsome man standing next to Maddie.  His knowing eyes held mine and I smiled at him, taking his hand.

“Josh, nice to meet you finally.”

“And you, B.  I’ve heard so much about you.”  I watched as Maddie elbowed Josh in the ribs, her face blushing.

“And this is my friend, Vanessa.  Vanessa this is Maddie and Josh.”  Vanessa stuck out her hand in greeting.

“Vanessa, it’s very nice to meet you,” Maddie said with a slight nervousness to her voice.

“You too, and let me start by saying that my friend here is a twat and didn’t let me know this was your party until about five minutes ago.”  Vanessa’s smile widened and I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“I didn’t know how to bring it up,” I told the group.  Josh laughed at my obvious discomfort while Maddie gave me a knowing smile.

“Well at least Maddie gave me a heads up,” he whispered, “right before I saw you two at the patio door she said ‘oh by the way, I’m seeing someone and she’s going to be here any minute.’  I thought she was joking until I saw her look at you.”

“I told you I was seeing someone last month,” Maddie whispered loudly, defending herself.

Josh’s eyes widened.  “I thought you were saying you were seeing someone for your psychiatric needs, honey.  Because you’re obviously insane for keeping this beautiful creature in the closet.”

Again, my face blushed and I groaned audibly.  Vanessa chuckled and elbowed me.  “Oh I like him.  Come on Josh, let’s go get a drink and talk about how crazy our best friends are,” I watched Vanessa take Josh’s arm and usher him toward the outside bar.  I heard him laugh loudly as they distanced themselves from us.

“Hi,” I finally said leaning into Maddie.  Maddie smiled a ‘hello’ back at me.

“Josh is handsome.”

“He’s insufferable,” she responded.

We both chuckled as I moved in slightly closer.  “How did he really take it?”  I was curious about how Josh would handle Maddie being in a relationship.  From what I knew about him, he was very protective over his best friend but still only wanted the best for her.

“He asked me if I was serious about you, or if it was just a fling,” Maddie kept her voice down but it was loud enough for me to hear.

“And what did you say?”  I teased her and she shrugged her shoulder.

“That I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.”  She locked eyes with me and my insides fluttered wildly.

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm.  So much that so that I would kiss you in front of everyone right now if I could.”  I licked my lips, a Pavlovian response that I’ve discovered I do whenever I think about Maddie kissing me.  “Please don’t do that, or my publicist is going to have one hell of a time with the tabloids tomorrow.”  Maddie’s breath was hotter than the September heat and I clenched my fist against my side.

“Then stop saying these things or I won’t be responsible for my actions,” I retorted.  The words hit Maddie and she was about to say something but took a step back, straightening her spine.  I took a breath in that moment, trying to settle my libido.  Maddie and I were taking things slow and although our make out sessions were becoming more heated, we had always ended the nights in our respective beds.  Somehow though, I knew that was going to change soon.

“Hi Roderick, so glad you could make it.”  Maddie gave a quick hug to a large, older man.  The three piece suit was a little much I thought but I figured that this man didn’t do anything half assed.

I knew him immediately as Robert Stillings, director of Breakaway.  Liz had acted as a mediator between him and ‘Randle’ when the first movies were adapted from the book to screenplays.

“This is my neighbor and dear friend, B Montgomery.”  I held out my hand to Roderick and gave him my best smile.

“Very nice to meet you,” he stated.  And that was the last thing that Robert Stillings said as he made a point to direct all of his conversation toward the stunning blonde in front of me.  As more guests came, I began to find myself on the outskirts of every possible conversation.  It was obvious that the high school teacher didn’t belong in the discussions of Hollywood royalty.

I allowed Maddie to be the ever gracious hostess as I found myself speaking to Josh, Vanessa and my mother.  At times I would catch Maddie’s apologetic gaze but I didn’t let her feel my uncomfortableness of the whole situation.  I knew that we had to keep a certain persona and right now my acting had to be Oscar worthy.

“Fancy meeting you here,” a raspy voice sounded from my left and I turned quickly, not expecting the face that was smiling back at me.

“Rebecca, hello.”  My surprise was evident and Rebecca immediately took advantage of my sudden embarrassment.

“Now I know why,” she touched my pink cheeks and I flinched awkwardly at the intimate touch.

“Know what, exactly?”  I tried to keep my tone neutral but this woman clearly was on a mission and for what, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“Now I know why she keeps looking over at you like a lost puppy.  You’re stunning even when you blush.”  Rebecca smiled wide, daring me to take her bait but I nervously held back a retort.

“What are you doing here?”  I tried to switch the topic to something more neutral.  The words came out a bit more clipped than what I had wanted but Rebecca took the tone gracefully.  Her smug features still planted on her face and she held up a camera that I hadn’t even seen during our initial pleasantries.

“I work for the PR company that your friend’s agent hired for the evening.  Basically I’m just here to take some pictures of the rich and famous so all of us little people can live vicariously through them.”  She smiled sweetly but her words were anything but nice.  The sarcasm dripped like venom and I shivered with the pure look of intent in her eyes.  “Would you like to see some pictures?”

“No – I should be…” I had wanted to excuse myself to get away from the awkwardness of this conversation but she held up the camera screen to our eye level and started to go through the countless pictures she had already taken.  She leaned in close, her breath hot against my neck and a bead of sweat formed on my brow.

“See, unlike most photographers I like to take pictures that are more natural.”  She kept rifling through the pictures, a number of them being Maddie looking as beautiful as ever, talking to her invited party guests.  “Oh, we’re coming up to some of my favorites.”  As soon as she said it a knot tangled in the pit of my stomach.  “You two really photograph nicely.”  Rebecca stopped on a picture of me and Maddie from earlier.  Our eyes were locked onto one another, Rebecca easily catching the intimate way our bodies were leaning into each other.  My breath started to come in quicker gasps.  Any magazine would be able to spin this picture into exactly what we were trying to hide.  I steeled my back as I glanced toward Rebecca.  A million excuses ran through my mind but her glare told me she knew.

“What do you want, Rebecca?”  My words filtered through a clenched jaw. She smirked as she turned the camera screen off and spoke clearly.

“An interview.”  I watched her shrug a shoulder and I wondered why she was acting so nonchalant.

“That’s it?  Maddie would do that even if you weren’t blackmailing her.”

“Oh, I don’t want an interview with Maddie…”  I waited for her to continue but she stopped short, expecting me to read the devilish glint in her eyes.

“Then who…” I asked carefully.

“Randle Gooding.”  I barked a laugh and then quickly covered my mouth eyeing the party goers around me.

“How do you expect her to get you an interview with that recluse?  He has never accepted an interview request and you know it.”  I looked at her with disdain.  “And I doubt he would accept one from a no-named photographer.”

Rebecca took the insult in stride.  “Everyone has a price, B.  Maddie has the ability to get in contact with him and I have the ability to derail her career.  If she doesn’t want to be outed, then she’ll have to convince him.”

I clucked my tongue.  “Outing Maddie won’t ‘derail’ her career,” I defended.  Rebecca looked at me as if I was the stupidest person alive.

“Maybe if she was more established, sure.  But how many main roles do you think she’d land if everyone knew that she wasn’t straight, huh?  Name one lesbian actress that has won an Oscar for a lead role?”  Rebecca dared me but I couldn’t give her an answer.  “Exactly, none.  This comes out,” she held up the camera to make her point, “and it’s all over.  Everything she worked for is done.”

I looked over to where Maddie was conversing with a string of Hollywood types.  Her easy smile and throaty laugh made my stomach flutter with a need to protect her.  My eyes travelled back over to Rebecca and I realized that she had said was right.  Maddie wasn’t established enough and as quickly as her fame had come it could be extinguished in the same amount of time.

I sighed heavily not knowing what the next move was but knowing that the game was in play.  “How long does she have?”

Rebecca pretended to ponder for a moment.  “One week.”

“Three.”  I negotiated sternly.

Rebecca warred with my own gaze. “Two.  And not a day late.  Or TMZ is going to get a great story.”  She jiggled the camera in her hand and I nodded once.

“Fine.  Two weeks.”  I watched as Rebecca took a card out of her pocket and handed it to me.

“Just in case she made you throw out the other one I gave you.”  She winked at me and just as if she was never there, disappeared into the party.  I sighed heavily as I stared down at the card in my shaking hand.  What the hell was I going to do?

+

I managed to extricate myself from the party without anyone knowing.  My mother had been conversing with a handsome talent agent and Vanessa and Josh were in a world of their own.  I had wanted to say goodbye to Maddie but I didn’t think I had the nerve to keep a straight face.  My conversation with Rebecca warred within my mind.  Her smug smile invaded my sight and I hated myself for ever thinking that the world could actually be kind to me for a change.

I traveled up to my room with hopes that a night of contemplating our predicament would give me a few answers.  But either way I knew I was screwed.  I took the steps one at a time, thinking strongly about both sides.  If I didn’t give Rebecca the interview then Maddie would be outed as a lesbian.  If I did give the interview then I would be outed as Randle.  Everything Maddie had worked for would be destroyed.  Everything I had worked for would cease to exist.  I huffed a frustrated sigh as I opened the door to my room.  The moon shone down through my open window as the cool September breeze chilled the air.

“Were you going to say goodnight?”

My hand flew to my chest as I sucked in a gasp.  “Maddie!  Jesus, you scared me.”  I swallowed as Maddie’s silhouette moved closer to me.  The details of her face came into clearer view as she moved within a few feet of me, the worry in her gaze apparent in the soft white glow.  “How did you beat me here?”

“I saw you leaving and excused myself to go inside.” She gave me a sly smile as she nudged her chin toward the window.  “Thought I’d take the shortcut.”

I smacked her shoulder lightly.  “You climbed over here?  You could have gotten hurt!”  Maddie grabbed my arms and pulled me into her.  Her body became flush with mine and for a moment every worry in my mind disappeared.

“I couldn’t have you leave without saying goodnight.”

I pulled away slightly and looked up at her.  The small smile on her lips contrasted her worried green eyes.  “Sorry.  I wanted to but…”  I bit my lip not knowing what to say.  I wanted to tell her what happened with Rebecca but the words wouldn’t come.  We had just started this relationship.  We weren’t even out yet and already I felt like her being with me was putting so much strain on her career.

“But what?”  She asked.  I shook my head as I placed a small kiss on her lips.

“Nothing,” I whispered.  She stared at me for a long time trying to decipher my word into my true meaning.

“Are you okay?”  I forced a smile and was ready to lie and say ‘fine’ but my lips quivered as the dam broke.  Watery eyes betrayed my mind as I grabbed her and tucked my head into her.  “Hey, shhhh,” she whispered.  “It’s okay sweetie.  Whatever it is, it’s okay.”  Her hands soothed my back in circles as my hiccupped breaths came in quick spurts.  The weight of the night flowed through my every pore until finally I felt as though some of it had been relieved from my body.  I pulled away, wiping my eyes as Maddie studied me carefully.

“Why are you crying?”  She helped me remove the tears, the pads of her thumbs wiping away any evidence of the hurt.  I breathed out heavily and reached in my back pocket, pulling Rebecca’s card out and handing it over to Maddie.

Maddie studied it carefully and looked back up to me.  “This is the girl we met at the beach right?”

I nodded to confirm her suspicion.  “She was at the party tonight…” I chewed on my lip as Maddie’s eyes turned into slits.

“Did she try anything with you?” I squeezed Maddie’s arm as I shook my head.

“No, it’s nothing like that…I almost wish it was that easy.”  I ran a hand through my hair as I stepped away from Maddie.  I made my way over to the window and closed it, listening to the muffled laughter of Maddie’s ongoing party in the next yard.  Closing the curtains, I turned to her, my arms wrapped around me.  “She knows.”

Maddie looked at me warily.  “How?”

“The PR company that Josh hired sent her as their photographer.  She managed to snap a few shots of us looking more than friendly.”  My frustration started to rise as I remembered the pictures.  How could anyone be so cold as to use love as blackmail?

“More than friendly? Shit.”  Maddie stepped over to my bed and sat down heavily.  “How bad?”  She looked up at me and I shook my head.

“Bad.  It’s obvious.  Even though we weren’t doing anything…you could tell we’re more than just friends.”  I bit my lip waiting.

“What does she want?”  The surprise in my face was evident but then again it shouldn’t have been.  Maddie was more in tune to the goings on of the Hollywood tabloids.

“She wants an interview.”  I said softly.  Maddie exhaled loudly and her shoulders seemed to relax with the news.

“That’s it?”  She smiled widely.  “I’ll give her whatever she wants.  In fact, I’ll call Josh right now to set something up…” Maddie pulled her phone from her pocket and I rushed over, sitting next to her and stilling her already dialing fingers.  I grasped them and shook my head.

“She wants an interview with Randle Gooding.”

Her breath caught in her throat.  “That’s ridiculous.  Who the hell does she think she is?”  Maddie stood up quickly as she started to pace the length of my room.  “I mean…no one has ever gotten an interview with you.  What makes her think I even have the authority to get one for her?”

I shrugged my shoulder.  “She figures the picture is enough to get you to do what she wants.”

“Hmph.  Fat chance, I mean it was going to come out anyways.   I guess there’s no time like the present.”  I watched Maddie as she chewed her lip, a trait that she must have picked up from me as I was usually the one to do that when I’m stressed.

“Well, maybe we should consider it…the interview I mean.”  I shyly looked up at Maddie already knowing what she was going to say.

“Nope.  Not even a chance.”

“Maddie, think about it.  Really.  You can’t afford to be outed right now, especially before the movie has even started production.  It doesn’t make any sense.”

Maddie looked at me as if I had just spoken gibberish.  “And it makes sense for you to out yourself when you’ve spent so long trying to stay anonymous?  And then what happens when I come out after the shoot is over and all of a sudden Randle Gooding is actually ‘Madeline Fields’ girlfriend?”  Maddie groaned as she sat back down on the bed and placed an arm over her eyes.  A part of me recognized that I hadn’t even thought about the last thing Maddie said.  That was definitely the truth.  There would be a lot of talk if I came out as Randle and then Maddie’s girlfriend.  But the main part of the story was that she just called me her girlfriend.  I’m Maddie’s girlfriend.  Holy.  Shit.

“Why do you have that goofy grin on your face?”  I looked down at Maddie as I tilted my head, my teeth now chewing my bottom lip in contemplation.

“You said I was your girlfriend.”  She stared at me as her previous frustration calmed and her shyness reared.

“Well, I said it in the heat of the moment.  You know?  I mean, if it’s too soon…which I don’t think it is…but if it is for you…we don’t have to label it or anything…I mean we’ve been dating for a little over a month only and…” I stopped Maddie with a finger to her lips.  While I thought her rambling was endearing, I was afraid that she would pass out from the amount of blood and heat that was stagnant on her face.

“Maddie, I want.”  I smiled at her as I felt her smile from around my finger.

“You do?”

I nodded and she grabbed me, surrounding me with her warmth and comfort.  I snuggled into her as I felt her chest and the beat of her heart rise and fall in synchronous rhythm.

“What are we going to do?”  I whispered, bringing ourselves back to our predicament.

“How long did she give us?”  Maddie’s voice was deep coming from the hollow of her chest and I sighed.

“Two weeks from today.”  Maddie squeezed me as she gently rolled me over and peered down.  “We don’t have to figure anything out tonight.  Instead, do you know what I want to do?”

I swallowed thickly, staring up at dimming green eyes.  I felt Maddie place a strand of my dark hair behind my ear as she leaned down and gave me a whispered kiss.  When she pulled away she wiggled her eyebrows.  “I want to watch a movie with my girlfriend and just lay here holding her until we fall asleep.”

Can you swoon while you’re laying down?  Because I swear I just did.  “That sounds amazing.”  Maddie smiled at my answer and gave me another chaste kiss on the cheek.

Chapter 15

If it’s one thing about Maddie it’s that she has always loved movies.  I remember her being able to name every actor in every movie we ever watched, even the supporting characters and even some of the extras. “They’ve worked so hard to get that small part, why not give them the credit of knowing who they are?” she would say to me.  I would just chuckle at her enthusiasm but deep down I had wanted to tell her how astonishing I thought she was.

But now, I found a new favorite thing while watching movies with Maddie – snuggling.  I never thought of myself as someone who liked snuggling.  On the contrary, I felt as though the women I had been with before were smothering me with their tight hold.  But with Maddie, it felt right, it felt natural.  I wonder if she thinks I’m smothering her.  My hand stilled on the top of her shirt where I was aimlessly rubbing the fabric.  The sudden thought made me tense slightly and I readjusted myself to move further back.  As soon as I did though, Maddie’s left hand pushed me in closer to her and remained on my lower back.  The act made me smile as scooted in closer to her warm body, positioning my hand exactly where it was before.  I really need to stop assuming things.

We had only made it about a half hour in when that same hand started to rub my back.  It was innocent, I’m sure, but the more her hand traced the threads of my top on my back, the more my body tingled with the start of arousal.  I tried to stay focused on the movie, but the only thing I could focus on was how her fingers would trace the hem of my shirt, barely dip underneath to touch my bare back and then retreat to the safety of the cool fabric.

My skin was on fire, my heart was racing and I suddenly became aware of Maddie’s heart beating faster as well.  With my ear below her ribcage, I could tell that it just wasn’t the excitement of the movie that was making her breathe harder.

I wanted to look up at her, to silently tell her that I wanted more.  I wanted to kiss her lips and feel her tongue glide against my own but there was also a suspenseful tease to the way this was starting to play out.  As she would dip underneath my shirt I would find the smooth, taught skin under her own.  Rubbing my thumb dangerously close to the hem of her skirt, dipping underneath the waistband slightly, slowly and then back up.  We kept our fingers dancing on each other’s skin for what seemed like hours until her hand traced under the hem of my shirt and up my side until she stopped at the swell of my breast.  I felt a rush of arousal flood me as the electricity traveled from her fingers down to my lower back and settle low in my stomach and then further down.  When the spark ignited at my center my own hand unknowingly grasped Maddie’s hip and I pulled her closer into me, arching my back, giving her permission to keep traveling.

I heard a low moan reverberate from her throat which was my undoing.  I looked up at Maddie finally, my hand still grasping her side, my thumb so close to where I wanted to touch her the most and as her dark green eyes met mine my resolve ended.  I lifted my head slowly and she met me in the middle, our lips finding each other in a sweet release of want.  Her tongue was warm and wet and slid so easily against my own that I thought I might come just from her kiss.

Or maybe I would come from the way she was gliding her hands against my back, or how her hips thrusted upwards to meet my own with every beat of our bodies.  Her breath was ragged as I took her pulse point between my lips, licking along the length of her neck up to her earlobe.  She gasped and pulled into me hard when I took it between my teeth, lightly nipping at the bud.  It wasn’t long until I felt my hands travel the length of her body and up her shirt finally stopping at the swell of her breast.  My breath hitched as I palmed her fully, delicately tracing the outline of her laced bra and dipping my fingers underneath.

“Oh god,” Maddie moaned as I finally found her nipple.  Her hip thrusted upwards as I drew the cup of her bra down, her breast now uncovered to allow me to fully grasp it.  I squealed suddenly as I felt strong arms take my hips and flip me on my back.  In less than a second Maddie was on top of me, straddling me with her lean legs.  I clenched as I felt the damp silk of her underwear press against the bottom of my stomach.  Her hands removed my shirt and then my bra.  My chest heaved at the sudden coolness of the room against my hot skin.  She bit her bottom lip as those skilled fingers explored my stomach, tracing up the planes of my ribs and then tracing around the swell of my breast.  She was teasing me and smiled as my back arched up, wanting her to touch my nipples but instead just circling around them.

“Maddie,” I groaned.  Our gazes locked as sudden rush of arousal flooded me.  The look in her eyes told me more than any words she had ever said.  With a deep, shuddering gasp, I felt her fingers take hold of me and that rush of arousal turned into a flowing waterfall.  The feeling of hot breath and warm lips was replaced by her fingers and grasped her hips hard, needing to feel the friction of her against me.  I had never been so turned on in my life, and my head was dizzy with the pleasure she was giving me.

I watched her take my breast fully in her mouth and the moan that vibrated against my skin had me come undone.  My hands travelled up the length of her thighs under her skirt.  I spread her legs more, an action that pushed her deeper onto my stomach and I felt her grind into me harder.  My hands continued their movements until I felt that silky underwear.  Moving it to the side, I languidly took one long stroke up her wet center.  Her mouth opened as hot breath bathed my wet nipple.  Her eyes locked onto mine as I stroked her slowly again.  I was sure that my eyes were as dark as hers as I felt her arousal surround my finger.

She licked her lips as she took possession of my mouth.  Her tongue dipping between my lips as my finger finally dipped deep within her.  Her back arched as she tore herself away from me, her hips starting to pump to the rhythm that my hand had set.  With every thrust downward my finger was enveloped more by her walls.  She brought me closer in as I added another finger.  She sat up straight as I watched her ride my hand underneath her skirt, her own hands lying flat on my stomach as her hips rocked back and forth slowly.  I forced myself not to speed the rhythm up, especially when her walls tightened against my fingers.  I curled them inside of her as a low guttural moan escaped her lips.  Her eyes were hooded but still locked on mine.  “B…” her lips parted against my name as she started to pick up the rhythm.  My mouth dried as I watched Maddie take me in fully, grind hard against my palm and then do it again.  She was so wet, so warm that I felt the stirrings of my own orgasm start.  I swear that I would be able to fall just from watching her.  She sucked in a shuddering breath as I felt her thighs clench against my sides and watched her back arch beautifully.  Her muscles contracted tightly against my fingers as she shuddered a breath of my name out her lips and then fall down against me.

She lay on top of me, both of us willing our breaths to calm before trying to speak.  I heard Maddie groan as I felt her walls clench again against my fingers.  She was sensitive and I gingerly removed myself from her, now able to hold her with both arms.

“I…” Maddie looked up at me starting to say something but paused.  Her brow furrowed.

“You what?”  I placed her hair behind her ear as I took in her blushed face.

“I hope your mom just didn’t hear that,” she flinched as my eyes widened.

“She’s home?”  Maddie chuckled as she squeezed my hip in comfort.

“I saw her walk in when I was climbing across.”  Maddie chewed on her lip and then kissed me on my mouth.  “So you know what that means, right?”  She slipped her tongue between my lips and I responded in kind.  The warmth of her mouth settled at the apex at my thighs as I felt her nimble fingers unbutton my jeans.  “You’re going to have to be very quiet,” she whispered.  I nodded my head as I felt her slide my jeans and underwear down.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that she had removed her clothing as well, and as I felt our naked skin touch together for the first time I knew it wasn’t going to take long for me to come.

“Maddie…” I wanted to tell her it was going to be fast.  I didn’t want her to judge me for the fifteen seconds I was sure I would only last but she quieted me with a kiss.

“Shhh...let me take care of you.”  I bit my lip as I nodded again, allowing myself to feel everything that Maddie was doing to me.  Her hands cupping my breasts, her skin sliding against my own, her breath hot against my neck.  All of it was so purely erotic that I felt the first wave of my orgasm starting deep within my stomach.  I took in a deep gasp but before I could fall I felt the coolness of the air against my hot skin.  I opened my eyes to see a mischievous glare staring down at me. Maddie cocked her head to the side as her fingers danced across my hot skin.  I groaned as I willed those fingers closer to my center.  She was touching me everywhere but where I needed her and I let out a frustrated breath.

Maddie smiled against my lips as she whispered, “not yet.”  My skin prickled at the tone, letting me know that she was going to make me wait.  It seemed like hours before her rhythm picked up again as she worshipped every inch of my body with her mouth and tongue.  Finally, though, when I thought that I might combust from her teasing mouth, I felt her hot breath against my center and the first touch of her tongue against my slit. The feeling was intoxicating as I pressed harder against her lips.  We both moaned as she took me fully within her mouth and entered me with her tongue.  I whimpered, as her nose brushed against clit.  I slid against her wet lips as I climbed to heights I didn’t even know my body was capable of and then when I felt her fingers slide inside of me I knew it was over.  My body crashed down hard against her lips that were surrounding me and I gave out a low, soft groan.  My body fell limp against the damp sheets as the tingling of aftershocks rumbled through me.

“Okay?”  I heard Maddie mumble close to my ear as her arm encircled my waist.  My mouth was dry and the words in my head wouldn’t form against my lips.  I had just been so deliciously taken and all I could do was nod my head.

Maddie chuckled against my neck and I in turn laughed with her.  We laid there as our bodies shook from humor.  It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

“Again?”  Maddie rasped out finally grasping my side and pulling me against her front.  I looked into her darkening eyes and nodded.

“Again.”

***

I tried to peel my eyes open from the incessant blaring of my alarm clock.  I groaned at the tightness in my shoulders and body but then smiled when I realized why I was so sore.  Immediately, last night’s escapades filtered through my mind and I clenched my thighs tight at the sudden wave of arousal.  I had an hour and a half before I needed to get to work and I realized that it was more than enough time to replay those memories in the real world.  I turned off my alarm and turned in bed, expecting to find soft, warm skin, but instead was met with cold sheets.  I sat up and looked around the dimly lit room.  The early morning light was just enough for me to see that Maddie wasn’t there.  I sat quietly, trying to pick up any noise in the restroom or house but it was silent.  I furrowed my brows as I quickly ran to the bathroom, combed my hair and then went downstairs.

I heard light laughter coming from the kitchen and immediately the scent of coffee filled my nose.  I turned to the opening and watched as my mother smiled and laughed with my girlfriend.  Maddie’s back was to me but it warmed my heart to see her wearing my pajama t-shirt and shorts.  With another laugh my mother looked up, her eyes sparkling with humor.  My face reddened at the thought that she knew why Maddie was here this morning but her smile let me know that she was just happy that I was finally happy.

“Good morning, daughter.”  I watched as my mother sipped her coffee and at the words Maddie turned around.  Her eyes immediately met mine and a knowing smile splayed across her lips. My face turned a deeper shade of red as I cleared my throat and walked fully into the kitchen.

“Good morning, mom.  Maddie…” I leaned down and kissed her on her lips.  She whispered a good morning and I forced myself to peel away from her to grab some coffee.

“Did you two sleep alright last night?”  My mom’s voice held humor but I heard Maddie sputter her coffee.  She coughed as I slapped my mother lightly on the shoulder as I passed.  I made my coffee and sat down with the two of them.  “I mean if you did sleep at all…”

“Mom! Come on,” I chuckled as Maddie’s face reddened with a blush.

I watched as my mother’s smile widened at the tease.  Then she turned serious.  “I’m happy for you both, you know that?”  I grabbed my mother’s hand and squeezed it.

“Thanks, mom.”

“Yes, thanks Joanna.”  Maddie smiled warmly as my mom waved her hand.  “I just can’t believe it took you so long to finally get here.   But I’m glad you finally did.”

“Me, too,” I heard Maddie say.  She looked over at me and her smile beamed just as brightly as my own.

“So what’s on the schedule for today?”  My mother asked.  I was sure she was wondering if she should make dinner for us but instead of keeping along with the light and easy morning, I had to throw a wrench in the mood.

“Maddie and I really need to discuss what we’re going to do about a certain photographer.”  I watched Maddie’s shoulders tense.  She had obviously forgotten about the situation with Rebecca and I felt bad for putting that weight against her world again.

“What do you mean?”  My mother asked curiously.  I turned to her as I grabbed Maddie’s hand under the table.

“A few months ago, Maddie and I met a photographer.  She didn’t seem very interested in Maddie, which was nice considering her profession.”

“Because she was interested in you.”  Maddie said through clenched teeth.  I rolled my eyes to tease but it was obvious she was still jealous of the whole situation.

“Anyways, we met before we were even together but even she thought there was something there.  Well, she was at the party last night and managed to get some pictures of Maddie and me looking like more than friends.”

“Oh dear,” my mother said.  “Is she going to print them?”

I shook my head.  “Not unless she gets an interview with Randle Gooding.”

“Which she won’t.”  Maddie said it as if that was the end to the conversation.

“Maddie, we really need to talk about that.”

“You want to give her an interview?”  My mother asked in an astonished voice.  I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“I don’t know what else to do.  If I don’t do it then Maddie will be outed and she hasn’t even started shooting the fourth movie yet.”

“But if you do it and then Maddie comes out afterwards, don’t you think it will be even stranger that you two are already dating?”

“Yes, that’s what we’re trying to figure out.”  I exhaled loudly.

“Then don’t give her the satisfaction.”  My mom shrugged her shoulders.

“What do you mean?”  Maddie asked.

My mother continued.  “Look, you two know that the moment you started this,” she pointed to both of us, “that it wasn’t going to be easy.  Maddie, let’s say that B doesn’t give the interview and you come out after the movie.  Everyone is going to delve into her life to try and figure out who the woman is that took you off the market.  I know we’ve spent a long time keeping you anonymous, B, but eventually someone is going to trail you to Randle.  And do you really want it to come out like that?”

I bit my lip as the tension rose within me.  “You think that will really happen?”

“It’s a definite possibility.” Maddie looked at me with a softening expression.  “So far no one can make a connection between you and Randle because they have no idea to look into a quiet school teacher from the valley.  But once you’re out in the public they’ll be looking harder.  All they have to do is connect you to Elizabeth in some way and then the dominos will fall.”

“So then, I do the interview.”  I said in a matter-of-fact tone.  But I watched as my mother shook her head.

“No.  I don’t think you give her that power.  You do it on your own time.”  My mother smiled softly at me.  “She may have pictures of you two together but if you come out first as Randle Gooding, at least Maddie’s publicist can spin it that you two were talking about revealing your true identity, B.  You two are obviously close friends and work closely together.”

My heart fluttered at my mother’s explanation.  It was brilliant.  And then my shoulders sagged.  “Do you think I could still teach?”

I felt my mother’s gaze on me.  “I think that’s something you should talk to your principal about before coming out.”  I nodded my head as the weight of the world seemed to fall on my shoulders.  My mother was right, if I wanted to protect what Maddie and I had, I had to come out of the wood work.  I knew that Randle Gooding had to finally show his face.

***

“Shouldn’t we talk about this a little more?”  I heard Maddie ask over the rush of the shower water.  I inhaled deeply as I tried to settle my nerves.  Taking one second longer than I needed to, I slid open the curtain and peeked my head outside.

“We could…or you could come in here with me.”  I gave her a slow smile to show her that my invitation was anything but a change of subject.  She looked at me, took a step forward and then stopped suddenly.

“I know what you’re doing,” she stated simply.  I gave her my best ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, now get your ass in the shower look’ but she crossed her legs at the ankle and leaned against the bathroom counter.

“Maddie, it’s a done deal.  I’m coming out as Randle and you’re going to shoot the movie and then we’ll take it from there.”  I had closed the curtain and rinsed out my hair one more time.  I thought quickly back to last night and wished for one moment we were just two normal women with normal jobs so we could take advantage of the morning.  Instead she was a celebrity and I was a bestselling author arguing whose anonymity was about to be disheveled.

“How are you so blasé about this?”  I heard her ask.  I turned off the shower and grabbed the towel hanging on the overhead bar.  I wrapped myself tightly and stepped out, the cool air hitting me heavily along with Maddie’s heated gaze.  I wished it was heated for other reasons but this, I quickly found out, was her frustrated stare.

“I’m not being blasé, Maddie.  It’s just the best way around this mess.”  I felt her follow me out into my room and I sat down on the bed, breathing a deep sigh.  “I really don’t want to argue about this, Mads.  You know that this is the best option with the timeline we were given.”  I watched her pace back and forth in front of me.  She was running through the options in her head and then finally she stopped and laid her eyes on me.

“B…”

“Maddie, think about it.  We only have two weeks.  You can’t come out just yet but I can.  I can talk with Elizabeth and set up a conference.  I’ll come out as Randle and state that I didn’t want to be identified because I didn’t want to be in the public eye.”

“So now why come out all of a sudden?”  She asked.  I took a deep breath and thought for a moment.

“Because the books are finished and I don’t expect to write another?  I can give closure to the fact that Randle Gooding won’t author another book and finally put all the rumors that he is a recluse to bed.”

“And then what happens when I come out and you’re my girlfriend?  People are going to think you gave me special treatment.  Which you did…but that’s not the point.”  She shook her head and I stood up bracing two hands on her shoulders.

“I’ll say we were friends but that’s it.  That I knew you would be perfect for the part so that’s why I suggested you for it.  I think honesty is the best in all of this.  And then if Rebecca decides to publish the pictures we can say it’s because we’re close friends.  That’s the connection to us.  They won’t think twice about it.  Hell, I’ll even give them pictures of us in high school to concrete the fact.”

“What if you can’t teach anymore though?”  Her voice was sad for me and I breathed out loudly.

“That’s something that was always a possibility.  I have to talk to Principal Williams first before I do any of this.  He may decide to give me some time off until the media frenzy will die down.”  Maddie clenched her jaw as she finally nodded her head.

“You don’t have to do this…for us.  We can put everything on hold and just…”  I put a finger over her mouth not wanting her to say the words.

“That’s not an option for me,” I hesitated, “unless you want to?”  Immediately Maddie shook her head and I agreed with her.

“So what now?”  She asked.  I looked at the clock and then back over to Maddie.  I had a feeling that today would be the first day I was ever truly late for work.  I let the towel fall as Maddie’s eyebrow cocked up.

“Now, we get to start where we left off last night?”  She smiled as she took my lips between her own and walked me to the bed.

Chapter 16

“Principal Williams?”  I knocked on the door and heard a ‘come in’.  I entered the large office as Jonathan Williams stood, shaking my hand and inviting me to sit.

“B, hello.  What can I help you with?”

I opened my mouth and then closed it not knowing how to start.  After speaking with Elizabeth and letting her know our predicament she had decided that coming out as Randle was the best option as well. She had gotten the ball rolling and we even had a date set of when my outing would be.  I couldn’t think of that now though, as I sat in front of my boss and fought with how I would tell him.  Elizabeth had offered to be a representative but I declined.  Jonathan was always a very understanding man.  I just hoped this went my way.

“B?  Are you alright?”

I shook my head as I took a deep breath.  “Jonathan, I need to tell you something and I’m hoping we will be able to work something out.”  I watched him scrunch his face up in confusion as I continued.  “First, let me start off by saying that it’s nothing bad, well, I don’t think it’s anything bad.”  He nodded his head telling me to continue.

“Do you remember me telling you that Madeline Fields was friends with Randle Gooding?”

“Yes, I do.”  His eyes lit up.  “Is he planning to give another donation to the school?”

I laughed nervously as my smile faltered.  “No.  Well, I’m sure that it would be considered but…”  I paused.  “I am Randle Gooding.”  I waited for the words to register.  Again his face scrunched up in confusion.

“You’re Randle Gooding?” He parroted.  I chewed on my lip as I waited for the words to sink in further.

“I wrote the first Breakaway novel when I was a teenager and the book was a hit.  I had decided to stay anonymous because I didn’t want to be a part of the whole celebrity of it all.”  I waited to see if he was understanding what I was saying.  He nodded his head as he tried to comprehend the words.

“Well, I am planning to release my identity and I wanted you to know first.  I know that there will probably be a lot of media involved and…”

“You’re Randle Gooding?”  I tried to stop the eye roll from happening.  Maybe I should have had Liz here to help me.

“Yes, Jonathan.  I know it may sound ridiculous and I’ve been portrayed as a recluse…a male recluse but that was all a part of the identity I established to make sure I would stay anonymous.”

“And now you’re planning on coming out?  I don’t understand why I would need to know this?”

I breathed in deeply.  “There has been a lot of people wondering who Randle Gooding is.  It won’t take them too long to find out where I work and since this is a public school, the media will be all over the place.  It will be great publicity for the school but I’m concerned with how the students and parents will react.  It will be crazy for a while.”

His mouth formed an ‘oh’ and he nodded.  “And you’re worried about your position?” I nodded my head.  “Okay, let me think for a moment.”  Jonathan stood as he started to pace.  “You’re a great teacher, B.  You’re one of my best and I don’t want to see you leave.”  My shoulders visibly relaxed.  “But I understand what you’re saying.  When the media catches wind that you work here they’ll be relentless won’t they?”

“I don’t want to stop teaching, Jonathan.  I love it, I really do.”

“I understand that, B.  What do you suggest?”

I ran through every scenario in my head but only one came up to be the best for both of us.  I drew a deep breath, “Would you be willing to give me a leave until the start of the new school year?  I know that it’s short notice and I’ll understand if you’re not interested in this but I don’t know how long it will take for the media to die down.  There are only a few more months left until the end of the year and I won’t be able to do summer classes but maybe, by the start of the new semester everything will be back to normal.”  I held my breath not knowing if he would take the offer.  He would have to find a new teacher for the rest of the year and I couldn’t guarantee that the media wouldn’t be hounding him about Randle Gooding.

He nodded his head as he considered it.  “I’ll tell you what.  Let me think it over and talk to the board and I’ll let you know.  How long do I have?”  I swallowed as the date circled through my mind.

“My publishing company is holding a conference this Sunday.”  His eyes widened.  It was less than a week away but he nodded none the less.

“That doesn’t give me much time but I understand.”  He shook his head and then smiled. “Wow, all this time Randle Gooding was teaching in my school and I had no idea.”

I smirked.  “That was the point.”  He cocked an eyebrow as I stood.

“You know I’ll keep whatever was said in this meeting between us, right?”  I nodded my head, trusting that he wouldn’t but also not caring if he did.  This time next week, everyone would know who Randle Gooding was.

***

“Hey,” I heard Maddie’s voice over the phone and immediately smiled.  “How’d it go?”

I groaned as I made my way through the local Starbucks, catching the time on my watch and noting that Vanessa would be here in about ten minutes.  “It went okay.  He was surprised but that was a given.”

“What did he say?”

“He said he’s going to think about it and then get back to me.”  My throat burned as tears threatened to spill.  I hadn’t wanted to put my career on the line but I always knew it was a possibility. Just thinking that I may not ever be able to return to teaching at GHHS was enough for me to want to breakdown and cry.

“I’m sure he’ll really consider it, B.  There would be no reason why he wouldn’t want you teaching at that school.  You’re the best.”

I drew in a deep breath.  “Yeah, well.  You’re biased.  And I guess, whatever happens it will be okay.”  I heard her hum in agreement.

“Where are you now?”  She asked.  I looked over to the door and saw Vanessa enter.  She scanned the tables and found me but motioned that she was going to order first.  I nodded as I answered Maddie’s question.

“I’m at Starbucks, hoping that my best friend won’t denounce me for what I’m about to tell her.”  I groaned as I imagined all the ways that this could possibly end.

“Don’t worry about it, B.  She’ll understand.”

“I hope so,” I said softly.

“I know so.”  She responded.  I sighed as I finally hung up with Maddie and watched an excited Vanessa sit across from me.

“Hey, what’s up?”  She took a sip of her latte and regarded my tense expression.  Her eyes softened.  “Are you okay?  Did something happen with you and Maddie?”

I shook my head as the tears that were threatening to spill did.  I wiped them away quickly as I straightened my back.

“I have to tell you something and I don’t know how you’re going to respond.”  Vanessa gave me a crooked smile, trying to comfort me.

“It’s okay, B.  I already know you’re gay.”  At the words I let out a low laugh through my watering eyes.  Vanessa had always known how to be supportive.

“Actually it’s bigger than that.”  I said.  She tilted her head.

“Bigger than my best friend dating the hottest actress in Hollywood?”

I nodded my head as her eyes widened.  “What is it?”

“I had a meeting with Principal Williams today.”  I held onto my own coffee cup like a lifeline.  She waited for me to continue.  “I asked him if I could take a leave from work until the start of the new school year.”

“Woah,” she breathed out.  “Why would you ask that?  Is this because of Maddie?  I thought you two were waiting to come out until after the movie was finished?”  I looked hesitantly around to make sure no one was close enough to hear our conversation.  Everyone was in their own worlds, but I whispered conspiratorially just the same.

“It is sort of about her but I think I need to explain something first.”  She nodded her head to let me know she was listening.  “Maddie and I were friends in high school.  She had moved in next door after her parents died and we just sort of hit it off.”  I took a deep breath.  “We both had feelings for each other but I didn’t know about Maddie’s until the night she left for New York.  I basically told her to go, that it wouldn’t work out between us and so she left.”

Vanessa shifted in her seat and let out a loud sigh.  “Damn, that’s intense.  Now I get why you asked me earlier about that whole ‘book’ you were reading.”  I nodded my head remembering my conversation with her and her telling me exactly how stupid I was to let Maddie go.

“But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”  She nodded her head again letting me know I could continue.  “Well, after Maddie left I was heartbroken.  And whenever I am stressed or sad I always write.  I had a journal in my drawer and one day I started to write a story…”  I chewed on my bottom lip as my eyes casted downward.  “Vanessa, I wrote Breakaway.”  I chanced a glance upward at Vanessa who narrowed her eyes at me.

“What do you mean you wrote Breakaway?”

“I mean that I wrote it and the other books.  I didn’t want anyone to know so I wrote it under a pen name and well…the rest is sort of history.”

“What the fuck?!”  Vanessa said and then lowered her voice when I winced.  “You’re Randle Gooding?”

I nodded my head afraid of the outburst.  Afraid that she would be done with all of my secrets and not want to deal with someone who she doesn’t even really know.

“Really?”  The interest in her tone caught me off guard.  Again I nodded my head to confirm that I was Randle and the next thing I knew she was smiling widely.

“So why now?  Why are you telling me now?”  I sighed in relief as I realized that Vanessa wasn’t upset.  Maddie was right, she did understand.

“Because I’m releasing my identity and I needed you to know first before the shit hits the fan.”

“And that’s why you asked for the leave.  Because you know how crazy it’s going to get…” she said it as understanding took hold.  And then her eyebrow cocked.  “So was it just coincidence that Maddie happens to be the lead in the movies that are adapted to your books?”

My face warmed as I shook my head.  “Another story for another time.”  She chuckled and I mimicked her.  I finished by telling her the reasoning behind why I needed to come out and Vanessa ended with how badly she wanted to rip into Rebecca.  She had told me that she would take over the GSA mentorship if things didn’t go my way and would also keep the news from Jared for now but I knew it wouldn’t matter either way.

Two down, and the world left to go.

***

If I had believed that me outing myself as a worldwide bestselling author would be anything but crazy I would have thought myself to be insane.  As I stared out amongst the sea of press yelling at me to respond to their questions, all I could think was ‘why in the hell did I think this was a good idea’?

“Ms. Montgomery!  How old were you when you wrote the first book?”

17.

“Why did you hide?  Why are you coming out now?”

I wanted to put an end to the rumors that Randle is a recluse and wanted everyone to know who the books were truly written by.

“Is this some publicity stunt to promote the final movie?”

While it may seem that way, the timing was purely coincidental.

“How do you know Madeline Fields?”

I’m sorry, excuse me?

“It’s been rumored that the author requested Madeline Fields to play the role as Holly.  What is your relationship with her?”

Ms. Fields is a good friend of mine and yes, it is true that I requested her to play the role of Holly.  I was fully aware of Ms. Fields talents and had every faith in her that she would portray the character as she was supposed to be written.

I breathed in as my heart started to beat thunderously.  I turned to Liz pleading with her to end this soon.  She nodded her head at me as she breathed into the microphone in front of her.  “Okay, we’re going to have one more question.”  She pointed to a reporter near the middle of the group.  He stood, a paper poised in his hand.

“Are you dating anyone?”

I laughed as I heard the collective do the same.  I shook my head as I spoke in the microphone.  “Currently, I am not dating anyone.  No.”  He nodded as the group erupted into more questions.  Liz thanked the audience and stated that they could direct any further questions to the publishing company.  I stood and walked off the stage, listening to the growing sounds of the audience fade away into muted tones.

“Hey, you did great,” Liz stated as she came up behind me.  I gave her a terse smile and folded my hands in a defensive stance.  “You okay?”  Her concern was evident in her tone and I nodded in response.

“I just don’t know how all of this is going to play out,” I said honestly.  Liz shook her head and gave me a small smile.

“None of us do, B.  That’s how life is,” she gave my arm a gentle squeeze and walked off.  “Call me if you need anything.”  She waved at me as I nodded my response.  My only real concern now was getting to Maddie and fast.

***

“You did great,” Maddie said as she placed her hand on my thigh.  I took hold of her fingers in my own as we drove the heavily traffic of the 5 freeway.

“I still can’t believe that Principal Williams let me go.  I really thought he would take my offer.”  I chewed on my bottom lip as the conversation with Jonathan ran through my head.  He had been honest with me and I was appreciative of the fact.  After speaking with the school board on the subject of allowing me leave until the start of the new semester, they had regretfully declined.  They hadn’t wanted to hire a new teacher for only a few months and then let that teacher go afterwards.  I understood their reasoning but I didn’t have to like it.

He said he had fought for me but in the end it wasn’t up to him.  The board was fearful of the repercussions of the media attention at the school and they thought it best to offer me a package.  I sighed as I looked at Maddie who held a grim expression on her face.  I knew she thought it was her fault but I didn’t want her to think like that.  It wasn’t because of her that all of this happened.  It was because of Rebecca.

And that was all that was holding me together at this point.  Just remembering Rebecca’s face as I showed up to her office a few hours after the press conference was enough for all of this to actually be okay.  Because her narrowing glare and hateful sneer as I placed the printed website tabloid down in front of her was probably one of the best moments to come out of all of this.

“I think your picture looks great, don’t you?”  I held a smile at Rebecca as she took a look at the picture that was meant to blackmail me and Maddie.  Underneath the shot was the caption, “Beatrice Montgomery and Madeline Fields are best friends, sources say.”

“But don’t worry, we made sure to give you credit for the shot.”  I pointed down at Rebecca’s name as she shot up from her desk.

“This is bullshit!  Don’t think you can get away with this!”  I laughed at her, waving off her idle threat.

“You know Rebecca, if you weren’t so hateful and selfish, I might have just given you that exclusive.  I mean, I may not have been exactly ready to come out, but I do have to say, it is quite freeing.”  I scrunched my nose up and smiled at her.  Her scowl didn’t hit its mark as I turned on my heels.

“I have more pictures, B.  I hope you don’t mind being outed twice in one day.”  I turned to her, knowing that her threats were empty.  Unless she had managed to hide cameras in my house, there was nothing that she could give the media that would out me or Maddie.

“Have a good day, Rebecca.”  As I walked out of her office I heard her throw something against the wall.  I was pretty sure that her pride took the bigger hit, though and as I stepped outside to the car idling in front of the large building, I finally had smiled a genuine smile since that morning.

“What are you thinking about?”  Maddie asked, returning me to the present.  I sighed as I laid my head back against the cool leather of the seat.

“Just thinking about Rebecca’s face when I showed her the picture that we sent TMZ.”  I laughed as the image came to my mind again and I saw Maddie smile in return.

“Damn, I wish I could have been there to see that,” she squeezed my leg as she returned her hand to the wheel to guide us off the freeway.

“Mmm, you’ve done enough.  Just getting the picture that she took was genius.  How did you do that anyway?”

Maddie glanced over at me and smiled.  “Easy.  She was using her company’s camera.  Everything on there is technically owned by them.  I had Josh call them and offer to put the picture in TMZ’s update on your release.  They loved the idea of course.  It’s great PR for them.”

“Mmm, is it kind of weird that you’re turning me on right now?”  I asked.  It was meant to be a tease but Maddie quirked an eyebrow up and immediately my blood began to heat.

“Well, what do you say about a sleep over?”

I bit my lip as I imagined Maddie’s body on top of mine and suddenly her little red sports car couldn’t go fast enough.

“I think that can be arranged.”

Chapter 17

October 2016

“I’m getting on a flight right now and I’m coming home.”  I heard Maddie’s heavy breath over the line.  I could hear her gathering items from her drawers, there were hangers clanking and the then the suitcase opening.

“Maddie, calm down.  It’s okay.  I’m okay.”  The rustling over the line didn’t stop as I eyed my chin in the mirror.  The bruising and swelling had gone down considerably over the last few hours.

“You were in a fight B.  I’m coming home.”

“Maddie, really I’m fine.  I appreciate you wanting to come but you’re on a tight schedule and it isn’t bad.  And I wasn’t in a fight.  I broke up a fight between two students and just caught an unlucky punch.”  I winced as I remembered seeing the right hook coming from the young football player.  I had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, it was as simple as that.

I had agreed to meet Vanessa after school to spend some time with her before I left town.  As I was waiting in the parking lot I had noticed two students getting into a disagreement and then, of course, they had felt the need to solve their argument with violence.  As soon as I saw the scuffle, I got out of my car and reacted without thinking.  I ran between the two boys but was unlucky enough to catch a punch meant for the boy whom I was holding back.  As soon as the punch landed the young man quickly apologized but was taken off by security none the less.  I knew it could have been a lot worse.  The punch grazed my chin but the doctor had said any higher and I could have been knocked out.

“Plus, I’ll be there the day after tomorrow.  You’ll see that it’s not so bad.”  I heard her sigh heavily over the phone.  She had calmed down considerably but I could still tell she was uneasy.

“I wish you were just here already.  So I could see you now…” she trailed off and I held my cell tighter.  Maddie had been in New York shooting the movie but I could tell the distance was wearing on her.  We had managed to be thousands of miles apart for ten years but now, even the smallest time apart felt like decades longer.

“I wish I was too.  But only one more day and I’ll be there.  And I’ll get to be on set with you and watch you work.  It will be fun.”  I smiled over the phone hoping that the action would travel the three thousand miles and lighten her mood.  Ever since I had unveiled that I was Randle Gooding the press had been hounding me for interviews and television appearances.  I saw myself in random magazines and tabloids and couldn’t believe that they would be this interested in a common girl from Southern California.  The action had definitely been a boost in PR for the movie and the producers had requested that I come out to New York to watch them film.  They had also requested me to help with the symbolism of some of the scenes to get the shot just right.  With Maddie being there, I was more than willing to oblige.

“Okay.  You win.  I’ll stay put until you get here.”  She sounded dejected and my heart tore at the tone.

“Thank you.”  I chewed on my lip for a few seconds and opened my mouth to say something else but couldn’t get the words out.  “You should get some sleep.  It’s late there and I know you have an early day.”  My voice wavered as I pinched the bridge of my nose.  Why couldn’t I just tell her what I really wanted to say?

“Yeah, I know.”  She sighed heavily.  “Are you really okay?”

I chuckled.  “Yes, I’m fine.  Honestly.  Now get some sleep.  I’ll call you tomorrow after I get checked out at the dentist and before you know it I’ll be there, with you, in the flesh.”

“That sounds amazing.”  We sat in silence for a few moments, both of us not wanting to let the other go.  Finally she said, “B?”

My eyes closed at the sound of my name and for a moment tears pricked at the corner of my eyes.  The sudden wave of emotion filled me and I tried in earnest to not allow the tears to fall.  “Yeah?”

“I…” she just stopped there as my heart sputtered.  “I…hope you have a good night.”  I nodded over the line and smiled.

“You too, Maddie.  Goodnight.”  I heard her whisper goodnight again as the call ended.  I sat there staring at my cell, my fingers dancing over her name, wanting to call her back, wanting to tell her I love her and that the distance between us was killing me.

I sighed heavily as I yawned and winced at the tightness of my muscles.  I whimpered as I flopped down on my back and let my comforter surround me.  It was a poor man’s Maddie, but it would have to do for one more night.

***

“Everything looks good, B, but you’ll have to wear a retainer for a few days.  The jaw is a little misaligned but this will help it back in place.”  I felt the doctor place the retainer in my mouth and I immediately ran my tongue over the metal brace.

“Really?”  The pronunciation felt strange as my tongue tried to get used to the foreign plastic in my mouth.  I heard Dr. Moody chuckle heartily.

“Just for three days.  I promise.  Then you’ll be good as new.”  I sat up as Dr. Moody handed me the retainer case.  “You got lucky, it could have been a lot worse.”

I rolled my eyes.  What could be worse than having a mouth full of metal again?  Instead of voicing my true feelings, I just smiled and thanked him.  Standing up, I shook his hand, ready to get out of the office and take out the offending plastic and metal in my mouth.  I figured I could wear it just at night.

“Oh and B, that should stay in day and night.”  I looked at him quickly, wondering if he could read my mind.  He chuckled again, “I’ve been your dentist since you were a toddler.  I know what you’re thinking.”  He pointed a finger at me and this time I did find my voice.

“Dr. Moody, I’ll be in New York speaking with high level executives.  I can’t have this thing in my mouth.  I’m afraid they may turn me away with all this drool.”  I wiped my mouth as the man’s eyes softened.

“You’ll get used to it.  Give it a day or two and I promise you won’t even know it’s there.”  I doubted that but nodded a ‘fine’ just the same.

***

“I’m headed to LAX right now,” I slurred into the phone.  My mother looked over at me with a teasing gaze and I stuck out my tongue at her.  It’s amazing how I was almost thirty but felt like a teenager at that moment.

“Are you drunk?”  Maddie asked.  She was on a thirty minute break and finally had time for a quick chat.  The Los Angeles skyline came into view over the freeway and specks of light from planes peered through the dark sky.

“No.  I have to wear a stupid retainer for the next few days since my jaw is slightly misaligned from where I was hit.”  I ran my tongue against the plastic on the roof of my mouth.

“That’s not too bad, it could have been a lot worse.”

“Tell that to my mouth.”

“I plan to, in about eight hours.”  Her tone deepened and immediately my face warmed.  I looked over to my mother whose smile widened.

“Uh, I forgot to tell you’re on speaker…”

“Hi, Maddie.”  My mother choked out trying not to laugh.

“Oh, uh, Joanna.  Hi.”  I could tell that Maddie was now successfully embarrassed and I nudged my mom’s shoulder.

“Hey, we are pulling up to LAX now.  I’ll call you when I get to JFK, okay?”

“Okay.  Fly safe, see you soon.”

I hung up after saying goodbye and looked over at my mother who broke out into a light laughter which in turn made me laugh as well.

“You sure you’re okay to go alone?”  My mother put the car in park at my terminal and I undid the seatbelt, pecking her lightly on the cheek.

“Of course.  I’ll be there soon and Maddie’s room is in the same hotel.  I’ll be fine.”  My mother nodded her head and I thanked her again for driving me.  Gathering my suitcases from the trunk, I waved goodbye as I saw her pull out from the drop off zone.  With three suitcases in hand and my retainer filling my mouth I made my way into LAX.

***

“What do you mean you can’t find my luggage?”  I huffed out at the woman at the counter.  She looked at her computer again and then back up to me and then back at the computer.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Montgomery.  We’ll do everything we can to locate it.  There was probably an error in transfer when you had the layover in Phoenix.  Sometimes that happens.”

“No, no, no…” I whimpered.  I closed my eyes as I tried to discern what I had in there.  Only all my clothes, my makeup, my credit cards.  I felt myself go sick at the thought.  I rummaged through my small purse and grabbed my wallet.  Forty dollars, my license and a stick of gum.  Why had I decided to put my credit cards in my luggage?  Why couldn’t I have just slowed down and thought about how stupid of an idea that was instead of my thoughts purely on getting to Maddie as quickly as possible?

“Of course, we will call you as soon as we find it and then have it sent to you, free of charge.”  I glared at her, trying to remember that it wasn’t her fault.  I smiled tightly and nodded my aching head.  I was five hours late coming into JFK, my second flight from Phoenix being delayed for hours due to some electrical problem with the plane.  I had texted Maddie letting her know I would be late but my phone had died before I received a response.  I felt disgusting, I was sure I looked a mess since I had spilled coffee all over myself earlier and I only had forty dollars to my name until I could find a bank.  The worst part was I needed to be onset in less than two hours.  I looked down at my wrinkled shirt and jeans and grimaced.  How was I going to get cleaned up and ready in that amount of time?

After leaving the woman my contact details, I waded through the throngs of people to the front.  The studio had told me they would send a town car and when I saw my driver holding a sign with my last name, I smiled.  At least one thing had gone right.

“Ms. Montgomery?”  The young man asked.  I nodded and sighed heavily.

“Yes.  Please tell me you know where I can find an open bank and a clothing store?”  The man looked at me with a shy smile.

“I’m sorry ma’am.  It’s six in the morning.  The banks are closed and so are most of the clothing stores but I know of one place that is open right now.”  The look on his face made me shiver, but I was out of options.

“As long as it has clothes, I’ll be fine.”  He nodded as he looked around me.

“No luggage?”  He asked as he ushered me to the town car.  Opening my door I shook my head.

“Hence the need for a bank and clothing store.”  The light chuckle made me smile despite my bad mood.

“Well, let’s get you to the thrift so we can get you to the studio on time.”  I groaned.  At least I know I’ll get a bang for my buck.

***

I rubbed my hand over the wool sweater as Gregory, my driver, opened the door.  Stepping out into the cool New York breeze I shivered.

“How do I look Gregory?”  He smiled a gracious smile and said ‘good’.  I knew he was just being polite.  The thrift store had nothing that would shout “bestselling author”.  Instead I felt like a grandmother with my beige wool sweater, white collared shirt underneath and khaki slacks that were one size too big and three inches too short.  I adjusted my glasses and cursed myself that I had left my contact case in my makeup bag.  How the heck could I have been so stupid?  Matting down my hair that seemed to have decided not to work with me today, I felt like a total frump.  I tipped Gregory my last remaining twenty and graciously gave him an autograph.  He hadn’t asked but after telling me how much he enjoyed the books I offered and he excitedly accepted.  I would still have to get used that.

Security ushered me on the set and took my over to where the director was already shooting.  They left me and told me to wait, stating that he would be with me as soon as the scene was shot.

“Action!” I heard him yell.  The set was decorated to look like a rundown basement.  Water dripping from a condensing pipe that was being gathered by a bucket.  Ross Johnson who played Blake was laying on the concrete, shivering in sweat.  I knew this scene well.  Blake was feverishly ill, afraid that he had gotten the plague and hallucinating about Holly being there with him.  As soon as the vision of the scene entered my mind, I watched as ‘Holly’, miraculously clean in the dirty basement, came into view and acted her soothing lines.

Just watching Maddie took my breath away.  She was beautiful, stunning and talented.  Being in her presence and watching her work was like watching something miraculous happening.

“Cut! Print!  Good job everyone.  Let’s take ten.”  I watched as Maddie helped Ross up and laugh as he groaned from laying on the concrete for so long.  I smiled, watching her smile, and as if she knew that someone was looking, she lifted her head up and caught my eye.

“Ms. Montgomery?”  My gaze broke as a deep voice entered my mind.  I turned my head and nodded at Bob Stillings.  His gaze travelled over me as I tried to explain.  “Mix up with the luggage.  It was the only thing I could find on such short notice.”  I plucked at my sweater, suddenly hot and I felt a bead of sweat roll down my neck.  Bob nodded his head and murmured something indiscernible.  Clearing his throat he finally smiled.

“Well glad you could make it.  If you’ll come with me, I’ll take you around to meet the cast.”  I nodded as Bob motioned and introduced me to lighting, grips and photography.  A few of the supporting characters shook my hand and looked at me with confusion, wondering if I was truly the girl they had seen on TV.  Even I had to admit, if I was them, I wouldn’t recognize me either.

“And this is Ross Johnson and you of course know Madeline.”  I shook Ross’s hand and then leaned in and lightly hugged Maddie, not wanting to lead any more attention to us.

“Nice outfit,” Maddie managed to whisper in my ear.  I gave her an eye roll to let her know just the day I had and she bit her lip to stifle a laugh.

“Ms. Montgomery I have to say that your books are just…well…they really speak to me you know?  The way you wrote the characters and what their feeling,” Ross stopped and put a hand over his heart, “it sometimes leaves me speechless.”  I bit my lip as I graciously smiled as Ross’s nervous outburst.  I didn’t know why he would be stumbling over his words.  He was Ross Johnson for Pete’s sake.  He was one of the most sought after actors in Hollywood.

“Thanks, Ross.  And please call me B.  It’s great to know you’re a fan.  I really like the way you portray Blake.”  His smile widened like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Do you think…” he looked between Bob and Maddie and then me.  “Do you think I could have your autograph?”

My eyes widened as I heard Bob chuckle and Maddie laugh a sigh.  “My autograph?”

“Well he’s definitely not asking me for mine,” Maddie included in the conversation.  Ross visibly reddened as he elbowed Maddie in the ribs.

“I have a copy of the first book in my trailer.  It would really be such an honor…” I put up my hand in an attempt to calm his nerves.

“I would gladly sign your book, Ross.  Just find me when you’re free.”  I smiled at him and he shook my hand again excitedly.  I took a chanced glance up at Maddie whose green eyes sparkled with humor.  She knew I wasn’t used to the celebrity of it all and her teasing glare made my tension ease.

I heard Bob clear his throat.  “Well, Ms. Montgomery, I was able to set up an appointment with the writing staff which will start in about 10 minutes.  I just want your take on a few of the scenes that aren’t transferring well to the screen.  Do you think you could lend your thoughts on some of the writing?”

“Sure, Mr. Stillings, I would be happy to.”  I turned to Ross making sure to tell him again to find me for the autograph and then turned to Maddie, offering her a ‘what the hell am I doing here’ smile that I’m sure she only caught onto.  She waved at me as I followed Bob Stillings out of the studio and into the next building.

“Do you think she’ll really sign my book?”  I heard Ross whisper to Maddie who must have slapped his shoulder in play because his squealing and her laughter was the last thing I heard before I stepped out of the studio.

***

“This is Dana Couch.  She is the lead screen writer.  She’s done all four of the films and will be doing the next one as well, after you write the next book of course.”  Bob looked over at me and playfully nudged my shoulder.  I shook my head at the jest and reached out to shake the woman’s hand.

“Hi Dana, I’m B Montgomery.”  I watched as the brunette eyed me up and down, a tight smile forming on her face.  Her handshake was firm and confident and immediately my defenses rose.  I could tell that this woman didn’t like me invading her territory.

“I’ll have Dana introduce you to the rest of the junior writing staff.  For now though, I have to get back and make a movie.”  I turned to Bob nodding and shook his hand in leave.  He bid his farewell and left me with a room full of people who looked friendly enough, minus the dark haired woman in front of me.

Dana pointed out her staff.  There was Kathleen, the new intern.  Kyle who worked on all four films with Dana and Bruce who had transferred to their production from Warner Brothers this year.

I sat as a thick tension invaded our space.  I waited for someone to say something but when I realized that the only thing that Dana would do was stare me down, I opened my mouth to say something.  Right when I was going to ask about the scenes, Dana cleared her throat, successfully stifling any thought I was about to say.  “Now to be honest, Ms. Montgomery, I don’t agree with Bob bringing you in.  We’ve managed to handle things just fine without you.”

I heard Kathleen clear her throat.  The poor girl looked like someone just stole her favorite Malibu Barbie.  “It’s understandable that you feel that way, Ms. Couch.”  I shifted in my seat and winced as my pants rode up my ankles uncovering my white ankle socks.  Thank goodness that they were hidden underneath the table.  “And please call me, B.”  I extended an olive branch, hoping that the woman would take it.  I knew that she was feeling defensive and it was totally understandable.  I was sure she had worked hard on the adaptation from the book and to have her hard work criticized probably made her feel like all that hard work was for nothing.

“So then I hope you’ll agree with me that this meeting is really just for show.  I don’t think we need your opinions and I’m sure your time is too valuable to be sitting here and rewriting scenes for a story you’ve already finished.”  She widened her smile but it was forced.  I shivered at the way her cool blue eyes bore into my own.  She was establishing her dominance and she definitely didn’t accept my olive branch.  And even though I understood her reasoning behind why she was so crass, I didn’t have to like it.

“Oh, well, I don’t know about that Ms. Couch.  Bob called me specifically to go over some of these scenes that just aren’t quite working.  I’m sure it’s not a testament to your writing, but you may find it beneficial having the person who wrote this story to help you understand what the characters were thinking to help make the scene work.  Don’t you think?”

“Do you have any screen writing experience?”  I opened my mouth to respond but she held up her hand to stop me.  “I didn’t think so.  I don’t think you would grasp just how delicate this type of writing is, Ms. Montgomery.”

I looked at her as if she had just spontaneously grown another head.  Were people honestly like this in the real world?  Where they undermine people that they just meet?

I cleared my throat and straightened my back.  “You’re right, I don’t have any experience with screenplay writing.”  She smiled smugly but I wasn’t done yet.  “But I did manage to write four bestselling novels.  And those novels, might I add, allowed you to make a mark in this industry.  So Miss Couch, in the most honest and humble way possible, I want to make sure that my book is rightfully adapted to the screen so the audience feels a sense of closure.  Now, if you don’t mind, let’s start going through some of these scenes so we can all get out of here at a decent hour.”

The room was silent sans the heavy breathing coming from the bull in front of me.  I caught Kathleen in my peripheral vision, her smile wide.  I was also pretty sure I saw Kyle give Bruce a low five under the large oval table.

Blue eyes were cold as steel as Dana hastily grabbed the screenplay from her briefcase and opened it up to the first scene.

Check and mate.

***

After successfully going over the scenes that Bob had wanted Dana to rewrite, I managed to make my way over to Maddie’s trailer.  The sun was directly overhead and the humid, and the wet heat was surely making my hair do things that would turn even Medusa to stone.  I had briefly asked Kathleen where I could find Maddie while making sure that a certain brunette with a cold blue death glare was out of ear shot.  Her directions were easy enough and a knot formed in my stomach as the trailers came into view.  I would be lying to myself if I thought that being with Maddie as something more than friends would finally allow the anxiousness of seeing her to wean.  In all honesty, it only made that knot in my stomach tighten, and as her trailer finally came into view, the knot had transformed into a brick.

The lot was empty except for a custodial worker sweeping dust in the distance.  Quietly as I could, I walked up to the trailer, watching in complete silence as a stunning blonde sat on her trailer steps, her head turned toward the blistering sun.  She looked beautiful, remarkable, and edible and a part of me went to the time when I first saw her on that porch step.  The awkward girl I once knew myself as never knew she was about to meet the woman that would literally take her breath away and nearly a decade later.

“You’re staring…” Maddie said.  I felt a smile widen on my face as those green eyes finally met mine.  Maddie tilted her head to her side and gave me her own slow smile.  “How did it go?”  She asked.  She stood and leaned against the metal railing.  I took a deep breath as my body immediately reacted to the way she held her body.  She was my girlfriend.  She was with me. This beautiful human being wanted to be with me?

“It went well,” I replied.  I watched as her eyes traveled the length of me, and when I had felt self-conscious before, her gaze held no judgement at all.

“Want a tour?”  She motioned toward the trailer and I nodded, swallowing heavily against a lump in my throat.  She walked up the stairs and I forced myself to follow.  Her trailer was fairly large and packed with a kitchen, small seating area and bathroom.  The vanity directly across from the small bed held trinkets and frames and I smiled when I caught a picture of her and Ross, smiling into the camera.

I turned to her as she leaned against the kitchen sink.  Her gaze never left me as I took in my surroundings.  “It’s awesome.”  I meant it, too.  I always wondered what Maddie had done in between shooting scenes, and picturing her here, in this homey space, made my heart warm.

I heard her chuckle as she closed the distance between us.  “You know, from anyone else I would think that they would be lying.  But you really do think it’s awesome, don’t you?”  I felt her hand cup my cheek as she leaned in and gave me a small, sincere kiss on my lips.

“Of course I do.”  I rasped.  I knew that the kiss was meant to be just a ‘hello’ but her lips would always have a certain effect on me.

“I like the glasses,” she whispered and gave me another kiss, this one deepening as my toes curled inward.  She pulled away and smacked her lips.  “The retainer will take some getting used to though.”  I chuckled as I shook my head, staring into her green eyes.

“I only have to wear it for a few more days.”  Those words seemed to make her remember the reason why I had to wear the retainer and her fingers grazed over the barely visible bruise on my lower chin.

“It doesn’t look that bad.  Does it hurt?”  The worry in her eyes was present.

“Not at all.  I told you,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.”  She bit her lip wanting to say something but I could tell she was holding it back.  She moved away, allowing the fog in my head to clear a little bit.

“Okay, so tell me.”  She sat down on the small bed and looked up at me, her eyes sparkling with delight.

“Tell you what?”  I leaned across from her against the small vanity desk and cocked an eyebrow up.

“Come on B, you must have a good story.  You’re wearing a wool sweater in 80 degree heat and I know you don’t own a pair of Birkenstocks.”  She pointed to my shoes and I chuckled as I removed them from my feet.

“You want the long story or the short one?”  She smiled as I huffed out loudly.  “Let’s just say my plane was delayed and they lost my luggage that I managed to have my makeup, contacts and credit cards in.  The only place that was open that had anything decent for me to wear was a thrift shop and I had to do it all on forty bucks.  So please tell me that you have an extra set of clothes here and a shower in that bathroom.”

She laughed as she looked at me.  “It’s really not that bad.  Kind of reminds me of…” I lunged forward and put my hand over her mouth.

“Don’t say it,” she mumbled something from behind my hand and I released her, her lips sporting a wide smile.

“What?  I was just going to say that it kind of reminds me of this girl I used to know in high school.”  That seemed to set something off in me as I tackled her onto the bed and started to wrestle her into submission.  Maddie was stronger than me but still allowed me to top her, pinning her arms down above her head.

“It’s not a bad thing you know. I definitely missed the glasses.”  She bit her lip as her eyes traced my own and then darted to my lips. My breathing grew heavier as I leaned down and took her lips in between my own.  Our kiss deepened into something primal, the weight of the distance and time between us gradually loosening and as Maddie’s leg found its way between my own I let out a low guttural moan of pleasure.

“God, I’ve missed you,” I said between kisses.  She hummed in my mouth and suddenly the awareness that we were in her trailer and someone could walk in at any second, hit me like a ton of bricks.  I quickly sat up as she lay there stunned, her mouth still open and now looking at me as if I was crazy.

“What’s wrong?”  She asked.  She grabbed for my hand but I stood up quickly and diverted her advance.

“Nothing.”  She lowered her eyes at me and I huffed out a frustrated sigh.  Running my hands through my tangled mess of hair I finally relented.  “What if someone walks in?”

“B, they won’t.  They know that when the door is shut that I don’t want to be bothered.”  She gave me her best slow, sexy smile as she grabbed for my hands again.  “Don’t worry.  Plus, you said you wanted to take a shower anyway, right?”  My eyebrow cocked up at her invitation.  “So let’s take a shower.”  She stood up as she took the hem of my wool sweater and brought it up over my head.  The cool air graced my skin as Maddie’s hand roamed the muscles of my stomach.

“Unless, of course, you want to take one alone.”  I shook my head quickly as I brought her head down to kiss me.  “No.  You can keep me company.”  She chuckled as she walked me backward to the small bathroom.  Turning on the shower, I realized that I was beginning to really like New York.

***

“So how did the brainstorming session really go?”  I looked up at Maddie, slurping a Lo Mein noodle into my mouth.  We had lucked out with Maddie’s schedule.  Her scenes had been pushed back until tomorrow afternoon and we decided to have an early dinner of Chinese takeout in her trailer before going back to the hotel.  I eyed her warily not wanting to tell her exactly what I thought of Dana, seeing as the two women worked together closely.

“It went well.”  I shrugged my shoulders and wiped my mouth with my napkin, making sure that I didn’t get any soy sauce on Maddie’s white top.  Luckily she had a few collard blouses and an extra pair of jeans that I could wear.  We were close enough in size to where the clothes fit nicely, although I had to roll the cuff of the jeans twice since she was taller.

She gave me ‘that look’ that told me she knew it didn’t go as well as I said and I sighed at being caught.  “I don’t think Dana Couch likes me very much.”

Maddie was quiet as she took in my words.  Her gaze was fixed on her food as her brow turned down in thought.  “She’s a very intense person.”

Okay, I guess that was a good way of putting it.  Something in Maddie’s demeanor changed and I could tell that she was holding something back.  Her shoulders were tense and she couldn’t look at me.  That only meant one thing.

“How long were you two together?”  The words were easier to get out than I thought.  Maddie and I had never discussed our past relationships.  She coughed as she took a sip of water.  Handing her a napkin she smiled tightly and shook her head.

“We weren’t really together, per se.”  I studied Maddie, trying to think of the best way to ask my next question.

“How long were you sleeping together?”  I tried to stay calm as I imagined Maddie in the throes of passion with another woman.  My stomach churned and I immediately felt sick.

“About a year.”

I breathed in silently.  So Maddie had been with an incredibly beautiful, talented, rich screenplay writer who was obviously good enough in bed to have her stick around for a year.  That wasn’t so bad, right?

“What happened?”  I pushed away the noodles from in front of me and Maddie finally was able to meet my eyes.

“I think you could tell that Dana isn’t the nicest woman on the planet.”  She smirked and my smile wavered.  “It was fine at first but I just didn’t…I couldn’t…” she sighed.  “Dana wanted more and I couldn’t give her that.”

“Why not?”  I asked.  Maddie tilted her head at me, regarding me and then answered the question.  “I wasn’t in love with her.  And like I said before, she’s an acquired taste.”

“Even after a year?”

Maddie shook her head as I tried to get the vision with her and another woman out of my mind.  “Have you ever been in love?”  Maddie asked it in a way that was just an extension of the conversation.  She was calm and collected and sounded like she honestly wanted to know.

“No.”  I answered untruthfully.

“What is the longest relationship you’ve ever been in?”

“Deanna.  Nine months.”  Maddie waited and I realized she wanted me to continue.  “She was a Ph.D. student studying physics when I was getting my credential at UCLA.  She was nice.”

“Why didn’t it work out?”

Because I compared everyone to you.  I sighed trying to think of the many reasons why it didn’t work out with Deanna.  But only one came to mind.  “It just didn’t feel right.  We eventually became more like close friends than girlfriends.  There wasn’t any passion.  It was something I hadn’t even felt in the beginning but I sort of forced myself to at least try.  She was incredibly smart and very pretty.  But I just couldn’t see her in my future.”

“That’s a good reason.”  Maddie almost whispered her words and something inside of me flipped.  She felt distant, her tone almost sad.

“You okay?”  I reached out and squeezed her hand as she nodded in affirmation.

“Yeah.  It’s just weird.  I don’t like thinking of you with other women.  I mean, I know it’s your past but…”

“But it makes you feel sick to your stomach?”  I cocked an eyebrow up as her mood lightened.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Then let’s just leave it at that.  It’s our past Maddie.  There isn’t anything we can do to change it, but at least we were able to find each other again, right?”  I smirked, wanting her to smile as well.  She did, not the brilliant, million watt smile that I was used to but still just as stunning.

“Oh, I almost forgot to ask you,” Maddie shook her head as she pulled out her phone.  “Ross really wants us to go with him to this little bar downtown after he is done for the day.  He told me he wants to pick your mind about the inner workings of Blake.”  Maddie’s eyes twinkled and I chuckled, remembering his enthusiasm.  “Do you want to go?”

I shrugged my shoulders not really caring either way. As long as I was with Maddie, I didn’t care where I ended up.

Chapter 18

Maddie and I landed in front of what looked like an abandoned building.  Sirens wailed from the distance and the taxi drove off leaving behind a billowing cloud of exhaust.  I shifted uncomfortably in Maddie’s boots wondering why Ross would choose such a rundown meeting place.  I shifted a glance over at Maddie who walked confidently over to a gated screen door.  She wrapped three times as I shuffled closer, not wanting to be left alone on the darkened street.

Maddie smiled at me quickly, her eyes holding a mischievous glint but quickly looked away at the sound of the creaking door.  I could barely see the man standing in the doorway, thanks to the broken, rusted screen, but I could tell that he was large and intimidating from the sound of his voice.

“What do you want?”  The deep tone emanated from a hollowed chest and I fisted my hands at my side to steel myself from grabbing Maddie’s in pure fear.

“Hey Tony, it’s Maddie.  We’re meeting Ross.”

“Maddie?  Girl, where have you been?”  The large man unlocked the screen and pulled Maddie into a bone crushing hug.  Maddie humphed as she was placed down and patted the large muscular arm.

“This is my friend B.”  Tony looked over at me, eyeing me up and down warily.  He then lowered his gaze on Maddie.  Maddie rolled her eyes and then said, “Or you may know her as Randle Gooding?”  Tony’s eyes widened as he smiled wide.

“No shit!  You’re the author chick who blew everyone’s mind?  It’s a pleasure to meet you, B.”  He held out a large hand and I graciously accepted, although still incredibly confused at what we were still doing here.

“Can you sign her in?”  Tony nodded as he grabbed a clipboard, wrote down something and then handed it over to me.  I took it from his hands and peered down at what looked like a contract.

“What am I signing exactly?”

Maddie opened her mouth to explain but Tony spoke first.  “The terms of agreement for entering the establishment.  It’s a nondisclosure agreement.  Basically, anything you see here cannot be spoken about outside of these walls.”  I furrowed my brows as I looked at him for an easier explanation.  He smiled sweetly, which looked strange on such a burly man.  “Our motto is ‘what happens at ‘The Bar’ stays at ‘The Bar’…or fines and imprisonment will occur.”  I looked over to Maddie with a slightly agape mouth.  She nodded at me and I signed, placing the pen on the board and handing it back over to Tony.

“Ross is in the back, along with some other peeps.”

“Thanks Tony.”  I felt Maddie grab my hand as I waved a hurried goodbye.  I followed Maddie up a red carpet lined flight of stairs.  The stairs ended at the opening of a large, gorgeously decorated lounge.  The floor to ceiling red velvet curtains hung straight against closed off VIP rooms.  The floors were a glossy oak and the large horse shoe shaped bar in the center housed a dance floor where a few bodies were already gathered, gyrating to the rhythm of the music over the speakers.

“How many times have you been here?”  I wasn’t sure why I whispered it, but Maddie squeezed my hand in reassurance.

“A few.  After the first movie was so successful, I wasn’t able to go out to normal night clubs or bars without being recognized.  Ross happens to know Kelsey Blackstone who had taken him here before.  When I told him that I wasn’t interested in going out anymore because it was becoming more of a hassle than fun, he invited me to come here.”  She took a breath.  “Anything goes here.  You can be yourself and not have to worry about anything showing up in the tabloids the next day.”  Maddie’s cheeks reddened and I realized that she had probably come here to pick up women.  I opened my mouth to ask a question but was quickly disrupted by Ross shouting our names from across the lounge.  He was waving us over and as soon as he saw us I dropped Maddie’s hand.  She looked at me with an understanding smile.

“He doesn’t know, does he?” I asked as we started to make our way over to Ross and the small group.  Maddie tilted her head back and forth, trying to find the right words to respond.

“In a way he does.  He’s only seen me with women but I’m not sure if he thinks it’s just for fun or my actual preference.  He’s never asked directly but he’s also never judged me for it.  We have an understanding.”  I nodded my head as I stared directly in front of me, not wanting to give away the slight pang I felt when thinking of Maddie with another woman on her arm.  I felt her hand stop me and I turned to her.  “Look, I know that we decided to keep things quiet for now and I understand if you want to keep it friendly tonight. But just so you know, we can be just be us here.”  Maddie traced my face for any sign that I may want to act as a normal couple.  The thought of us being able to hold hands without the fear of anyone finding out that we were together made my body warm.  I wanted to tell her ‘okay’ and grab her hand, kiss her right there in front of everyone, but as soon as I went to grab her hand I stopped. My eyes fell on a familiar face walking towards us from the entrance.

Maddie’s face scrunched in confusion as she followed my gaze over her shoulder.  She turned back to me as she blew out a breath.

“Wishful thinking,” I muttered.  Maddie gave a sad smile as she turned again when her name was heard in greeting.

“Madeline, I didn’t expect to see you here tonight.”  Dana Couch pulled up short to me and Maddie and blatantly checked her out.  My hands fisted at my sides as I was rudely ignored.  Maddie cleared her throat as she motioned toward me.

“Dana, you remember B, don’t you?”  Dana looked over at me as her eyes slightly widened.  I was sure she was still expecting me to see the frumpy woman that she had met earlier.  I had opted to take out my retainer for the few hours that we would be out, not wanting to fumble over the metal and plastic during any conversation I had throughout the night.  I was still wearing Maddie’s white button up collared blouse that I had rolled into three quartered sleeves.  Maddie’s jeans fit nicely and I was able to roll them back down when she handed me her three inch heeled black boots.  I nodded my head in greeting as I ran a hand through my finger styled hair.

“Ms. Montgomery.  You clean up nicely.”  She looked between me and Maddie trying to understand the connection between us, but I was too fumed about the back handed compliment she just gave to notice her tightening jaw.  Maddie defused the situation by starting to walk over to Ross and the rest of his group, making sure that I was following her.  She had probably already guessed that I had wanted to run for the door as soon as I saw Dana walk up.

When we made it to the table I could tell that our party was already three sheets to the wind.  Ross’s eyes were glossed over and his previous nervousness faded into boldness as he grabbed me into a tight hug.  I squealed with a genuine smile as he placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek.  I caught Maddie from the corner of my eye frown in disapproval but I gave her a smile letting her know it was okay.

Ross introduced me to the rest of the group.  I had already met most of them earlier today and also a few from Maddie’s Labor Day party.  I had a distinct feeling of being watched but as I quickly took a chanced glance at Maddie she was already fully immersed in discussion with one of her costars.  My head twirled to catch cool blue eyes boring into mine and my spine shivered.  I wasn’t sure why Dana was so open with her distaste for me.  If she had known about me and Maddie I would consider an understanding for the hate but in everyone’s eyes we were just close friends.  I exhaled as I took a seat next to Ross.  Maddie had chosen to sit across from us and I was almost thankful for it.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle her sitting so close and still trying to remain just her friend.

The conversation between the groups flowed easily.  I had discovered that Ross was from a small town in Ohio and if he hadn’t discovered his talent for acting would probably be plowing a corn field and milking cows.  A few of their costars hounded him for his slight accent that seemed to come out as he drank more and even I had to admit it was funny to hear his twang as he spoke about something he was excited about.

A few times during the night Maddie would chime in on our conversation, which was her way of checking in on me.  I tried to stay calm as she would also enter, albeit, a disinterested conversation with Dana who seemed to be getting more talkative, and handsy, as the liquor flowed more thoroughly through her veins.  It had become increasingly difficult to not speak up as I saw Dana trail a finger over my girlfriend’s arm or place an errant lock of hair back behind her ear.  In Maddie’s defense, she would always flinch away from the unwanted touches but Dana just wouldn’t get the hint.  Finally, Maddie excused herself to go to the bar when Dana leaned in a little too close.  I caught a pleading look in her eye letting me know she was ready to go, and soon.  I nodded my head as Ross brought me into a conversation.  She held up a finger indicating one more drink and I agreed with the nod of my head.  As Ross discussed something that had to do with Blake’s inner dialogues, I kept one ear on his words and two eyes on a retreating blonde and an annoying brunette quickly following after her.  I pursed my lips into a thin line as I tried to answer Ross’s question but failed desperately at multitasking between him and Maddie.

“You just going to let her fawn all over your woman?”  That seemed to get my attention as I looked quickly at Ross.  He gave a knowing smile and my cheeks warmed at being caught.

I shrugged my shoulder.  “Maddie can do what she wants.”  I feigned disinterest as I heard Ross cluck his tongue.

“You don’t have to hide from me, B.  You’re just as obvious as she is.”  He held up his hands in surrender letting me know that he wasn’t judging us.  “I figured it out as soon as she saw you today.  She lit up when you entered the room.”  He took a sip of his cocktail and considered me for a moment. “Maddie’s always been a sweetheart to work with but I also noticed a change in her when she first got back.  She’s happy. And a hell of a lot happier then when those two were an item.”  He motioned over to the bar where Maddie was trying to put distance between her body and Dana’s.

The tender flesh of my bottom lip met my teeth as I watched Dana desperately try and get Maddie’s attention.  They looked to be in a heated discussion.  And Maddie did not look happy.

“So?”

Again I eyed Ross and then Maddie.  What was I doing just sitting there?  I stood up as I walked purposefully toward where the two were standing.  Thankfully the lounge had lost most of its patrons as the night had grown later.  As I stepped closer I could start making out the conversation that the two women were having.

“I don’t understand why you just won’t come home with me?”  Dana pathetically asked.  Maddie clenched her jaw tightly and through gritted teeth responded.

“I’ve told you, Dana.  We’re not together anymore.  We were never even together in the first place.”  Dana sidled up closer to Maddie.  She pushed herself almost flush against her as Maddie tried to back away.

“That didn’t stop you after we ended things.  Don’t you remember coming over and basically begging me to take you?”

I cleared my throat as Maddie quickly diverted her gaze from Dana to me.  My face was red hot but it wasn’t from blushing, only from anger.  I had enough of this woman.  “She said no, Dana.  So maybe you should actually listen to what she is saying and leave her alone.”   I held onto my arms in a defensive stance.

“This has nothing to do with you,” Dana spat and wavered a little.  I almost felt bad seeing as she was absolutely obliterated and probably wasn’t acting with the best judgement but I couldn’t allow her to carry on like this anymore.

“Actually it has everything to do with me.”  I looked at Maddie, silently letting her know what I was about to do.  She didn’t give me any permission but the surprised look in her eye and slight smile let me know that she would support it no matter what the repercussions.

“And why is that?”  Dana argued with a curse smile.

I smiled slowly, savoring that one moment before I knew I would wipe that smile off of her face.  “Because she’s my girlfriend.”  Dana’s smile faltered as the words filtered through her muddled brain.  She barked a laugh as she whipped back and forth between me and Maddie.

“Your girlfriend?”  Her face contorted at her disbelief.  She looked at Maddie who confirmed with a nod.  “What? It’s true?”  I almost felt bad when I saw pain flicker in Dana’s eyes but then I remembered how she had treated me and the feeling quickly dissipated.

I stepped closer to Maddie and placed myself between them.  “It is, Dana.  So I would really appreciate it if you would be respectful of that and leave her alone now.”  Dana didn’t look at me but instead kept her eyes above my shoulder, obviously only looking at Maddie.

“You’re with her?  We dated for almost a year and you wouldn’t put a label on us.  And what?  She’s in your life for a few minutes and you’re exclusive?”  I wanted to tell her that a year was nothing compared to a decade but I wasn’t about to cause more of a scene.

“Dana, I don’t have to explain myself to you.  I told you why we didn’t work out.  And I’ve told you plenty of times since then that there isn’t anything between us anymore.”

Dana shook her head as her frustration rose.  “Are you in love with her?”  Maddie didn’t respond although I had to admit that even I would have liked to hear the answer.  When Dana wasn’t getting what she wanted she finally looked at me again.  “You know what.  You can have her.  She’s shit in bed anyways.”  With a flick of her hand Dana stormed away and I finally let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I turned to Maddie who smiled shyly.  I shrugged my shoulders as I felt her hands pull me into her.  “That was unexpected.”  I heard her whisper in my ear.  I chuckled as I pulled away slightly.

“Do you want to get out of here?”  I would be lying if I said the confrontation didn’t exhaust me.  The adrenalin that allowed me to even walk into the situation was wearing off and left my body feeling like it was jelly.

“Yeah.  Let’s go say bye and head out.”  I nodded in agreement as we stepped back up to the group hand in hand.  Ross gave me a brilliant smile and I mouthed a ‘thank you’ in his direction.  He lifted his drink in salute and after saying our goodbyes, Maddie and I left the lounge.  Hopefully, the rest of the night wouldn’t be as stressful.

***

I took in the décor of my large suite.  Much too big for only a single person but impressive none the less.  The large king bed beckoned me but I wasn’t yet ready to sleep.  I made my way to the large floor to ceiling windows that held the New York skyline in all its beauty.  Staring out into the concrete jungle, my mind went swiftly to what it usually went to when I have a moment of silence; Maddie.  When I was younger my only thoughts circled around how I was going to get through another day while hiding my feelings for my best friend.  I sighed as I realized that not much had changed, even a decade later.  While Maddie now knew how I felt about her, the truth was she didn’t know the full extent of my feelings.

I had loved Maddie at a young age.  As I grew older I managed to convince myself that I didn’t know what love was then but that was only a lie I told myself to get me through the days without her. I had finally realized that it must have been love because it was the same feeling that I held now.  Well, not entirely the same.  I didn’t know how, but every day that feeling grew stronger.

It was coming to a point where I didn’t know how much longer I could hide.  This feeling was so deeply rooted that I felt as though it was a part of my soul.  How could I tell Maddie that I was with her fully when I was still distancing a part of myself that belonged to her?  But the ‘what ifs’ always clouded my mind.  What if I told her and it made her run?  What if she wasn’t ready for our relationship to go to that level?  What if she didn’t love me back?  What if she did?

I peered up toward the sky, trying to trace the familiar stars like I would do back home.  The lights from the city drowned out many, but if I looked hard enough I could still see a few breaking through the black blanket.

“Hey.”  The silence broke as I turned, watching as Maddie placed a few clothing items on the bed.  When we finally made it to the hotel, Maddie had quickly gone to her room to grab me a set of night clothes.  I didn’t know how she pulled it off, but she had managed to get Sony to get us a joined suite.  She stayed rooted to her spot next to the bed.  My eyes casted downward as words flowed through my mind.  Just tell her.

“I’m sorry about tonight.  I should have been more open about Dana and how forward she can be.”  I heard her feet shuffle toward me, a slight pang growing in chest at the hesitant tone in her voice.  She didn’t know why my mood had suddenly shifted.  She didn’t know that I wasn’t upset about the things I heard Dana say and do.  She didn’t know that I was warring with my own mind to force the words I wanted to say back down.

“You don’t have to apologize.”  I finally looked up as she closed the distance between us.  She stared out across the skyline and I watched as the dimmed light illuminated her features.  My heart pounded so heavily in my chest and I was sure it could be heard amongst the quiet and our even breaths.

She finally pulled away from the view and outlined my face with her eyes.  They shone more brightly than any star in the sky and I inhaled a shuddering breath.

“I feel like I should though.”  Her eyes fell to the floor.  “I just didn’t want to say something to make you think that it wasn’t worth it.”  The deep exhale of breath told me that it had taken her a lot of courage to say those words.  My emotion grew as my eyes softened, placing a hand on her arm and running my fingers down to grab her wrist.  My thumb grazed over her too fast pulse and I closed my eyes tightly against the lump in my throat.

“You thought that if I knew that Dana still had feelings for you that I wouldn’t want to be with you?”  She chuckled a sad laugh at my response.

“I know.  It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud but…” she shook her head, “I know it’s different for us.  We can’t just be normal and go out on dates or hold hands.  We have to hide because of me and a part of me feels so horrible for denying you that.”  She held my eyes in a locked stare.  “I just kept thinking that if I added in the issue with Dana that it would just be too much.”

I swallowed thickly, my throat impossibly tight against the emotions stirring inside of me.  I mentally chastised myself for thinking that Maddie was above human emotion.  I held her so highly in my own vision that I never realized that she would be afraid of actually losing me. My head reeled.  Maddie only knew that I wanted to try this relationship with her.  We had agreed to try and make us work as more than friends but she had no way of knowing that if I lost her I would lose the other half of me.

“I lied,” I finally said as if it would chase away all her worry.  Her brows lowered in confusion and I shook my head lightly.  “Earlier today you asked me if I had ever been in love and I told you that I hadn’t.  Do you remember?”  She nodded her head as her breath came in heavier bursts.  “I lied, Maddie.  I…” I took a deep breath trying to place my words.  “I didn’t know how to tell you that I’ve being in love with you since I was 16 years old.  I thought that you might think that I was crazy for holding onto you for so long…so I lied.”  I shrugged my shoulder as my eyes prickled with tears.  “I’m worried about losing you too.  And just for the record, it would take a lot more than Dana Couch to scare me away.”  I waited for Maddie to respond but she just stared at me with a blank expression.  Her eyes darted between mine and then like an electric shock, the air crackled and in a heartbeat Maddie’s lips were on mine.  Her kiss was hungry, hot, passionate.  I moaned as her tongue entered my mouth, taking from me my every breath.

She grabbed me tightly around my thighs as she lifted me, literally knocking me off of my feet.  I felt the cool glass behind my back as Maddie pinned me between the window and her warmth, her mouth finally peeling away from my lips and finding purchase on my neck.  I breathed in sharply as she ground her hips between my legs, her strong arms still holding me in their embrace.  Maddie finally freed a hand as she brought down the collar of my shirt, her mouth trailing wet kisses against every inch of skin being exposed.  The feeling was so overwhelming, so powerful that I didn’t know where to place my thoughts.  I was flying, drifting away and placed my hand against her head as I felt a jolt of electricity flow from my breast to my center.  I caught Maddie’s heated gaze as her mouth enclosed over my nipple, rolling the bud between her teeth, the warmth of her tongue sending waves crashing against every nerve in my body.  I anchored my hands in her hair to keep her there and to keep me grounded.  I spoke in tongue as she pinned me harder against the window, her hand finally releasing the button on my jeans and pulling the zipper down.  I cried out when I felt her fingers slide against me and then enter me fully.  I took in a deep breath as Maddie moved her hips in time with her fingers, her palm rubbing exactly where I needed her most.  She took my lips between her own as I felt myself climb higher to the apex.  I knew it wouldn’t be long and as I tightened against her, pulling her in deeper, a low moan escaped her lips.

“I love you, B.  I love you…”  My eyes locked onto hers as the world crashed down around me.  The electricity shuddered throughout every nerve and finally I felt her slowly release me.  She took a strong hold, lowering me as well as herself onto the floor.  I placed my heavy head on her shoulder as she cradled me through the aftershocks.

“I love you,” she whispered again.  I looked up at her to find the most beautiful sight I have ever witnessed.  Nothing compared to the way Maddie looked with the lights of New York City dancing across her face.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back.  I placed a hand on her neck as I brought her lips down to mine.  It wasn’t a passionate kiss, it wasn’t hurried, it wasn’t meant for anything other than a promise of how we felt in that moment.

Chapter 19

December 2016

“We have a problem,” the last part cut out as I looked at the phone to make sure Maddie was still there.  It had been two months of brief visits, secret exchanges and heart tearing goodbyes.  But finally, Maddie was coming home.  The movie’s release date was set and in only two more months our relationship would hopefully be out in the open.

“What’s wrong?”  I sat down in the kitchen, my mother immediately turning her head upward at the worry in my voice.  She put her book down as she tuned into the conversation.

“There was an issue with one of the scenes.  The filming didn’t go as planned so they want me to be onset for two more days to film it again.”  The frustration was evident in her voice as she cut out again.  Through cursed, choppy words, I tried not to sound disappointed as I calmed her down.

“It’s okay, Maddie.  It’s not your fault.  There isn’t much you could do about it now.”  I covered the phone mouth with a hand and explained the situation to my mother.  Her eyes softened and once she found out that Maddie was okay she went back to her book.  I swear she thought that girl was another one of her daughters.

“I know but it’s your 28th birthday.  I want to be there.”  I gripped the phone harder.  Green Tree Publishing had put together an event to celebrate my birthday.  It wasn’t something that I was too happy about though.  If I was being completely honest, I just wanted to have my closest friends and family here in my house to celebrate, but Elizabeth had said that this was the perfect event to publicize the book and movie.  Of course that had meant that Maddie would be there in the capacity of a friend, but at least she would still be there.  And she had promised to celebrate afterwards.  Just us.  A little party at her place.  My body shuddered at the possibilities.

But now I was being faced with being the center of attention with over a hundred people who I didn’t know very well and now there would be no Maddie to get me through the night.

“We’ll celebrate when you’re back after filming.”

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay though?”  I could hear her rustling around in her hotel room.  Probably unpacking the things she would need for the next few days.  I closed my eyes thinking that we had been so close to being together again and not having to worry about each other leaving any time soon.

“You mean without you being there as my buffer?”  I heard Maddie chuckle over the line but it was really anything but a joke and we both knew it.  I had never liked being the center of attention and Maddie always made it a point to pull any unwanted attention off of me and place it anywhere else.  Without her there I was going to be extremely uncomfortable, but I knew I would have to go through with it.  “I’ll be fine.  Just focus on the movie and before you know it you’ll be home.”

“Home.”  She breathed out and the line went silent.  “Ow, dammit!”  I heard a squeal over the phone and my brow furrowed.

“What was that?  Are you okay?”  I heard her huff over the phone loudly.

“What?  Oh yeah I’m uh-fine.  Just fine.  Look, honey, I have to go.  I’m so sorry about everything.  Really.  I’ll call you tomorrow after I get back to the hotel.  What time are you going to be back from the event you think?”  I opened my mouth to respond but I could tell that Maddie’s mind was elsewhere.

“Depends on how early I could sneak out without anyone noticing.”  I heard her huff again in frustration but I could tell that it wasn’t meant for me.  “How about I call you when I’m home?”

“Uh yeah.  That works.”  The phone was silent and I had to look at my screen to make sure that she was still there.

“Okay.”

“Okay.  I gotta go.  Love you.”  Before I could say it back the phone call ended and I placed the cell on the kitchen table.  I furrowed my brow at it wondering what was going on with Maddie.

“Everything okay?”  My mother asked.  I looked up at her and forced a smile.

“Yeah.  I’m sure she’s just stressed with having to be there for another couple of days.”  I ran my hands through my hair, now dreading what tomorrow would bring.

“Don’t worry, sweetie.  I’ll be there and so will Josh and Vanessa and Jared.  You have a lot of people in your corner.”

“Not to mention a few dozen reporters and other outlets of the media.”  I groaned as I imagined all of the things that could go wrong.  I felt my mother’s hand reach for mine and she gently squeezed it in comfort.

“She’ll be back soon.”  I smiled at my mother and nodded my head to end the conversation.  I had been so excited to have Maddie back and the disappointment was evident that she wasn’t coming home yet.  With a soft pat on my hand my mother stood and left the kitchen to get ready for work.  I followed her form out as a ‘ding’ came from my phone.  I eyed a text from an unknown number.  It was a picture of Ross in a plane seat giving a thumbs up.  I smiled as I responded to him, happy that he would at least be at the event as well.  Maybe I did have more people in my corner than I thought.

***

I counted to ten to calm my rapidly beating heart.  My mother stood to my left as we entered The Standard Hotel’s rooftop.  The large venue opened up to white lights sparkling across all tables and potted palm trees.  Caterers whirled around with flutes of champagne and finger foods and I felt my mother nudge me to get moving.  I gave her a nervous chuckle as I stepped in time with her own footsteps.

The party was already in full swing and we had been thoughtful enough to arrive at least fifteen minutes early.  Immediately my shoulders relaxed as Elizabeth Tierney turned to us, making a beeline straight for me and my mother.

“Hi B, Joanna.”  She hugged us as we greeted her.  “You both look stunning.”  My cheeks reddened as I looked down at my red cocktail dress.  The publishing company had offered to set me and my mother up with dress fittings as well as makeup, hair and nails.  I had originally declined, letting Elizabeth know that we didn’t need any special treatment.  When I heard her laugh and say that it was all free and that the companies actually offered to give us the dresses and the other pampering I saw my mother’s eyes light up with excitement.  It was that look in her eyes that made me accept the offer.  I wanted to give her a little bit of the celebrity treatment, even if it wasn’t really my scene.

“Thank you, Liz.  I appreciate you setting all of this up.”  I eyed the surroundings not knowing how to place the compliment.  I was just a girl from the valley.  I wasn’t a celebrity.

“There are already some media reporters that would like to talk to you, B.”  Liz had said it with caution, knowing that I disliked giving interviews.  Even though this was technically my birthday party, I knew that it was also a working event.  I wouldn’t be able to get through the night without being questioned about everything and anything.

“Okay,” I breathed out.  My mother placed her hand on my shoulder, giving me some confidence to get through the night.

“Oh, I see Vanessa and Jared.  I’m going to go over and say hi.  I’ll bring them by when you’re free, okay?”  I nodded as I looked over to where my mother started to walk.  Vanessa gave me wave and mouthed ‘Holy Shit!’ to me while looking around her surroundings.  I mouthed back ‘I know’ as my mother finally reached them.  I wanted to go over there with her but was quickly ushered away by Liz to a group of reporters.  Let the games begin.

“Ms. Montgomery.  The movie is already said to have a lot of Oscar buzz around it.  Do you have any comments on that?”

I smiled warmly at the young, vivacious reporter.  He held a recorder in his hand and I stared at it trying to place my thoughts into coherent sentences.  “I think the whole cast and crew has done a remarkable job at putting together what my story portrays.  I’m not surprised at all that they are already talking about Oscar nominations.  Everyone who worked on the movie is the best in the business.”

“How do you respond to the comments that you’ve given Madeline Fields special treatment due to your relationship with her?”  I turned my head to a smug woman who looked like she had one too many perms.  Her hair was tightly curled and she sported a deep green suede suit.  I smiled none the less at her tone and shook my head.

“Maddie and I have been friends for a very long time.  I don’t think there was anything wrong with me wanting to give her a shot to portray Holly.  I have always known how talented she is and had no question about her abilities to play this role.”  The reporter smiled tightly and I felt my stomach knot up.  I had known that there would probably be a few questions on my ‘friendship’ with Maddie so I had already thought of a few answers that I could say that would alleviate any tense situation.

“And would you say that your relationship is still friendly or something more?”  Okay, I hadn’t thought of anything to say to that.  I pursed my lips together as the gaggle of reporters around me thrust their recorders in my face.

“I am not sure I understand your question.”

“Well, a few sources have said that you two looked very friendly on the set.  And that you would visit New York quite often, staying in the same hotel, conjoined rooms even?”  I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out.  How do these people know these things?  Did my love life really matter to people I don’t even know?  I was going to respond with something like ‘Maddie is just a close friend and I had to go to New York to help with the production’ but a squeal from the reporter stopped me dead in my tracks.

I furrowed my brows as the reporter’s mouth opened and she shook her leg.  A round of laughter ensued as I looked downward toward the floor.  Smiling up at me was probably the second most beautiful blonde I had ever seen in my life.  I bent down as I laughed at the young puppy golden retriever who sported a bow instead of a collar.  She jumped up and licked my face as the reporter jiggled off the pee from her equally deep green suede stiletto.  “Hi there, little girl, and who might you be?”

“Sorry about that.  I tried to catch her but she slipped from her collar.”  The raspy familiar voice made my heart beat faster.  I stood up, taking the puppy with me.  She calmed down in my hands as I turned to Maddie who held a shy smile.  I shook my head at her, not knowing what she was doing here but so grateful that she was.

I felt flashes of light behind me as photographers imprinted the memory to film.  I was sure that this would be in a dozen magazines tomorrow but I didn’t care how silly my smile looked at that moment.

“Do you like her?”  Maddie walked up closer as she pet the small puppy on the head.

“Of course!  She’s adorable.  Whose is she?”

“Yours of course.”  Maddie said simply.  I stopped petting the puppy as I faltered with my words.

“Mine?  You…you got me a puppy?”  Her face reddened as she tried to stay composed, aware that we were very much in the public eye.

“Happy birthday?”  She said hesitantly not knowing if it was the right present or not.  I smiled at her and shook my head.

“Thank you so much.  I love her already.”  At the response the little puppy yelped a bark and started to lick my face.  The reporters and party goers around me laughed as pure happiness shone through my smile.

Over the laughter I heard Maddie apologize to the reporter and say that the puppy must have thought her shoes were grass since they were the same color.  I watched the reporter stalk off and I thanked Maddie with my eyes.  This woman really didn’t know how many times she has saved me.

The rest of the night went off without a hitch.  Star, my new golden retriever puppy, was the hit of the party, successfully taking the spotlight off of me and becoming the center of attention.  Ross had dubbed himself her Godfather immediately and paraded her around.  I had to laugh at the amount of women he was getting because Star was with him.  His eyes glimmered with delight, telling us that he found himself a new wingman.

A few hours later I sat with a sleeping puppy in my lap and another beautiful blonde to my right, staring out into the lights of Los Angeles.  Vanessa and Jared had offered to take my mother home and Maddie offered to drive me back to her place.  I turned to her as I lay my head on the backrest of the black limousine.  The privacy screen was up and I placed a hand in Maddie’s who immediately responded by lacing our fingers together.

“You didn’t have to reshoot any scenes did you?”  I asked finally.  With the amount of people at the party I wasn’t able to ask why she was there.  Her eyes glistened as headlights passed us on the road.

“I was actually on my way to the airport when the pound called, letting me know they had just gotten this little one in. So I went over there and picked her up but the airliner didn’t have an option to ship dogs.  Plus I didn’t want her in the crate so I had to charter a private flight so she could fly with me onboard.  Sorry I lied but I wanted it to be a surprise.”  She smiled at me as a million thoughts ran through my mind.

“You did this all for me?”  She tilted her head wondering what I meant.

“Of course I did.  I remember you telling me that you had a golden retriever when you were younger and how sad you had been when he ran away.  I asked your mom to send me a picture of him so I can get you one that looked similar.  I know she’s a girl but she was just too cute.  Plus I figured that we can get another one in a few months.  Maybe a boy so she has a brother to play with?”  She was looking at the puppy, petting her head as Star kicked her little paws in her sleep.

“I love you,” I said simply.  She took her eyes off of Star and met my own.  She closed the distance and placed a soft kiss on my lips.

“Happy birthday, B.”  My smile widened as I took advantage of the long car ride home, my lips never leaving Maddie’s until the car stopped in front of her house.

Chapter 20

January 2016

“But I don’t know why I have to go.  I wasn’t nominated.”  Maddie looked up at me as she placed the food down for Star.  The puppy had doubled in size since the night of my birthday and it seemed like she was continuing to grow as each minute passed.  Maddie chuckled as she flopped down on the couch next to me her knees touching mine as she turned.

“You know, us mere mortals actually have to pay to go to the Oscars.  You were given a free ticket.  Let’s face it B.  You’re the new it girl.  Everyone wants you there.”

My lips pursed into a thin line.  “You know, me coming out as Randle was supposed to die down after a few weeks.  But they are still so gung ho about it.”  I sighed as I rested my head against Maddie’s couch.  She chuckled at my ‘predicament’.

“You know why it hasn’t died down though.  Your story is interesting.  People love rag to riches and Cinderella stories.”

“Yes, okay.  I understand that.  But why do I have to go?”  I asked her honestly.  Her smile widened as she shrugged her shoulder.

“Maybe to support your girlfriend who was nominated for Best Actress?”  She smiled slowly and I literally jumped up on the couch in excitement.

“What?  You’re kidding?  Oh my gosh how did I not know?  You’re serious?  Of course you are!”  I tackled her down on the couch as she laughed.  “When did you find out?”

“Just a half hour ago.  Josh was there for the nominations and called me right away.”  Her smile faded quickly as I saw the anxiety bubble up.

“It’s okay.  What do they say?  Whether win or lose, it’s an honor just to be nominated?”  She smiled at me and rolled her eyes.

“I just never thought I would be here, you know?  It’s all going so well it’s hard for me to believe that something isn’t going to crash and burn.”

“How about we just think that the universe is finally on our side?”  She nodded as she blew out a breath.

“I wish you could come as my date though.”  She placed a hand on my cheek and gave me a brief kiss on the corner of my mouth.  We still hadn’t come out publicly.  Even though the movie was a huge success and we both knew that there wouldn’t be any more we hadn’t discussed publicizing our relationship.  It was bittersweet really.  Maddie and I both knew that once it was out we really wouldn’t have much privacy anymore and I think both of us wanted to hold onto the last bit we had left.  But soon, we both knew, we had to do it.  We just didn’t know when.

“One day, sweetie.”  It was my turn to place a kiss on her lips.  I wanted to tell her how unbelievably proud I was of her.  Finally her talent was being truly recognized and a part of me still couldn’t believe that this amazing woman loved me.  As our kiss grew more heated I felt Maddie grab my hips and pull me into her.  I moaned as my body fell into a familiar rhythm with Maddie’s.  And then, I felt another equally warm body stepping on my back and I broke our kiss to laugh.  Star had decided that she wanted to ‘wrestle’ with her mommies as well and managed to wedge her way in between me and Maddie.  We laughed as we took Star in our arms and played with her.  We would have more time to celebrate later.

+

“Stop fidgeting and open you’re damn eye!”  I scowled at Vanessa as she attempted to put the last bit of mascara on my upper eyelid.  She paused for a moment and gave me a stern look.  Immediately, I opened my eyelid wide, as she applied her finishing touches.  “There,” she stated.  She turned my chair towards my desk mirror and I blinked to allow my contacts to adjust.  I sat there staring, not really believing that the woman in front of me was, well, me.

“Thanks,” I mumbled almost incoherently.  She smiled widely as her pride shone through her eyes.

“You’re so going to knock them dead.”

“Who exactly is ‘them’ that I am knocking dead?”

She regarded me in the mirror with the shrug of a shoulder.  “You know, all your bookie fans.  The ones that were in love with you even when they thought you were a sixty year old white man who lived in a cabin in the woods.”

I smacked her shoulder as I breathed out a chuckle.  “There is only one person who I care about being in love with me.”  Vanessa’s eyes twinkled.

“You’re so sweet, B.  Of course I love you.  But not like that.  I mean if Jared weren’t in the picture…”

Again I swatted her shoulder but she deftly moved away from the light smack.  “Where is your knight in shining armor anyways?”

I stared over at Maddie’s closed curtains and huffed a frustrated sigh.  “Her agent set her up with hair and makeup and she’s getting ready at the stylist’s.”  Vanessa probably heard the sad timber in my voice because then she asked, “You’re upset that you’re not going together?”

I opened my mouth to respond but instead nodded my head once.  “I know it’s stupid.  I know she’s with me and that she loves me and I also know that we decided to keep this a secret for a little longer but I wonder if it will always be a secret.  And then a part of me doesn’t even want it to come out because I don’t think I’m ready for the backlash of it all.”  I pushed back the frustrated tears that were threatening as I dared to look at Vanessa’s eyes.

“What backlash?”  She asked as her brows lowered in confusion.  “You mean the bigots who are going to say that being gay is a sin?  You’ll get that everywhere you go, B, even if you and Maddie weren’t together.”

I swallowed thickly as I shook my head.  “It’s not just that,” I whispered.  The thoughts were running through my mind.  “Maddie is gorgeous and talented and popular and she can literally have her pick at anyone to date.  And she’s just with me?”

“Excuse me?  Last time I checked you were just as ‘gorgeous’ and ‘talented’ and ‘popular’ than Maddie.  Or did you forget that you’re a New York Times Best Selling author of four books and you literally have fans asking you to marry them?”

“I just…” I shook my head not knowing how to respond.  “I know that I’m a novelty right now but what happens when it’s all over?  What happens when Maddie keeps climbing and I take a step back?”

Vanessa bent down slightly and put her hands on my shoulders.  “You’re never going to be out of the limelight, B.  Even when the hoopla of everything dies down, you’re still the woman who wrote four amazing books and Maddie is still the star that made a name for herself on the big screen.  And even if for some reason everyone forgets about you there is still going to be your family and friends that will remember.  Isn’t that all that matters in the end?”

I bit my lip as I conceded with a shrug.  I knew Vanessa was right but I wasn’t willing to say it then and there.  Not when my mood was so off kilter.  “You know I’m right.  So, I’ll let you think about that while I reapply the mascara that you messed up with the copious amounts of eye rolls you gave me throughout our little chat.”  Vanessa smiled widely and I couldn’t stop the chuckle resounding from deep within me.

“Okay, fine.  Just, not too much this time please.  I have a feeling I’ll be crying like a maniac when Maddie wins tonight.”  Vanessa turned to me as she started to remove my messed makeup with a q-tip.

“Believe me, B.  We all will be.”

***

You ready?

I read the text on my phone as my nerves skyrocketed to a point where I almost told the driver to turn around and take me home.  We were currently waiting in line to step out of the limo and I squeezed my mother’s hand in comfort.  Breathing out, I typed a response with my other hand which was clutching my phone for dear life.

Shouldn’t I be asking you that?

I could hear my mother softly chuckle to my left and I gave her a strained glare.  She shook her head as she held onto my hand.  “I hope you never get too old for this, you know?”  She lifted our clasped hands as the anxiety of what was about to happen finally overflowed. I blinked away watery eyes and my smile faltered.

“I have no idea why I’m so nervous.”  My mother shifted in her seat, her long navy blue dress adjusting with her.  She looked beautiful with her hair pulled up in a neat, fashionable bun and makeup that highlighted her eyes.

“You’re nervous because this means something to you,” she stated simply.  I gave her a questioning glance as she looked at me with her own.  “What?  You don’t think you’re nervous because you’re going to be photographed and walk down that red carpet do you?”

“That’s exactly why I’m nervous.”  My stomach churned as the car crept forward slightly.  Three more limos until I would step out into exactly what my mother said.

“Or you’re nervous because the woman you’ve loved since you were sixteen is going to win her first Oscar tonight.”  My mother’s lips turned upward and I shook my head.

“That doesn’t make me nervous.  That makes me proud, and excited.”  I paused.  “Why would that make me nervous?”

My mother chuckled gain as we moved up another spot.  “Because this sort of determines how things are going to go from here on out.”  She continued to explain.  “If Maddie wins tonight, and let’s face it, she will, she’s going to have a very long career.  With the Oscar and her talent, she’s not going to have to look for parts.  Which means that she’ll probably be away from you at times, she’ll most definitely be talked about in the media and in turn your life together isn’t going to be very private anymore.”

My stomach flipped again but this time we hadn’t moved.  The words my mother said were ringing in my ears and I knew at that moment she was right.  I didn’t care about the red carpet or the photographers or reporters.  This was going to be ten measly minutes of my life.  But my life with Maddie, I wanted that to be forever, and that’s what I was so scared about.  I looked down at my phone, waiting for Maddie’s response but none came.  “I’m so naïve thinking that it wouldn’t change.  Everything has been near perfect but I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  What if she realizes that it’s too hard to be in a relationship with her being away for months at a time?”

My mother squeezed my hand as we became second in line.  I breathed out hard to ward away the emotion bubbling from inside.  “Do you really think that she doesn’t have the same insecurities?  You both love each other, B.  You waited ten years to be together and I doubt that Maddie is going to want to let go of that.”  Another squeeze, “You either.”  My mother gave me a warm smile and I in turn gave her one back, along with a tight hug.  The limo pulled up as I saw flashing lights already streaming through the tinted glass.

“So, are you ready?”  I opened my mouth to respond as my phone buzzed in my hand.

I’m not nervous.  I get to go home to you tonight.  I’ve already won.

I read the text one more time and smiled at my mother.  “Let’s go.”

***

The audience quieted as the two announcers took the stage.  I looked over to my mother with worried eyes but she didn’t glance back.  Her eyes were glued to the podium but she looked calm and collected.  How I had wished to be able to pull that look off at a moment like this.

When I had first stepped out of the limo the bright lights flashed like a thousand supernovae bursting at once.  It took me a moment to remember to smile from the shock of it all but my mother’s hand on my arm ushering me forward was enough to knock me out of my daze.  I stepped along the colored path as interviewers called my name and asked me who I was wearing.  I said my comments that I had memorized in my head and took a countless amount of pictures.  By the time that I had reached the middle of the carpet, I felt like my head was going to split from the flashing lights behind my eyelids.

“Beatrice!  Can we get a picture of you and Madeline Fields?”  At Maddie’s name my head whipped forward to the photographer in front of me.  He pointed to his right and I looked to my left to find one of the most stunning sights I had ever seen.  Maddie was smiling widely as she spoke to an interviewer, her stance poised as if she was royalty.  Her hair fell in loose waves over naked shoulders and her strapless gown flowed as easily as the words I heard coming from her lips.  I was in awe and as she finished her interview and was ushered by a member of the Academy staff.  Her eyes locked on mine and a slow, sensual smile graced her lips.

She didn’t remove her gaze from mine as she bent down slightly to hear what the employee was stating to her.  She nodded her head as she made her way to me and finally, the distance between us was gone.

Cameras flashed fervently but I could have sworn time stood still.  She leaned in as I felt her hand at my waist, a gesture that was friendly but made my skin shiver just the same.

“Wow,” was all she said to me. Her eyes were knowing and I forced my cheeks not to flare.  “You ready to take some pictures, Ms. Montgomery?”  She chuckled at my wordless response and turned, her hand lightly resting on my back like the good friends the media knew we were.  Our names were being screamed from left and right and I didn’t know where to look.  Well, that wasn’t the truth, I knew exactly where I wanted to look, but I don’t think my lurid gazes were appropriate for this occasion.                We stepped together down the carpet as my mother and Josh walked behind us.  At times, Maddie would catch my eyes and turn from the photographers so only I could see her admirable stare and I forced myself not to respond in kind.  She was teasing me and although I secretly liked it, if she kept it up, the photographers would have gotten more than they ever asked for.

We finally made it to the end of the carpet as we were ushered towards our seats.  Maddie was closer up front and where she and Josh turned right, my mother and I turned left.  I managed to get one last look at her looking at me and a small wink was all that I could give her for support.

But now, as I sit here, listening to the announcers say names of the women nominated for Best Actress, I couldn’t help but wish that I had turned right with Maddie.  I wanted to be the one she turned to and kissed when they said her name.  I wanted to be the one that the cameras panned to when she gave her thanks to her friends and family.  But I would have to wait on those wants for now.  Because the announcer was saying who won for Best Actress and my girlfriend was walking up on stage to accept her award.

The crowd was deafening as Maddie took the stage.  I looked over to my mother who was whistling and clapping loudly and when she met my eyes I couldn’t stop the tears if I wanted to.  I knew in this moment that whatever happened in the future would happen.  There was no stopping time to make sure life was perfect.  The only thing that I could do was to make sure that Maddie was there with me every step of the way.

“Wow,” Maddie said as she finally reached the podium.  She blew out a deep breath as she shook her head smiling.  The crowd died down as she took a deep breath in.  “First of all, I would like to thank the Academy…I think that’s how you start these things.”  The audience chuckled as the camera panned to a few celebrities laughing.  “I had a whole list of things I wanted to say and people to thank,” she held out a folded up paper in her hand, “but I figured everything is better coming from the heart.”  She paused placing the paper down and facing the audience.  “Really, I can’t believe that I’m up here right now, especially being nominated with so many beautiful and talented women.  We all deserve this and I honestly mean that,” she held up the award she was grasping in her hand as the crowd applauded and whistled.  “I’d like to thank the whole production team at Sony that helped make this movie.  Bob Stillings, thank you for directing and allowing me to portray this incredibly beautiful and broken character.  To my costars, I wouldn’t be up here if you hadn’t given me such amazing talent to work with.”  She smiled as her lip twitched.  The crowd was silent.  “And of course, I have to thank my mother and father, who I know are looking down on me right now.  They instilled so much love for this business inside of me and I thank them every day for that.”  Again the crowd clapped as Maddie seemed to search the audience.  She raised her hand to shield her eyes from the bright light and finally her eyes locked with mine.  She lowered her hand as her eyes started to tear, staying with me with every word she said next.  “And of course I have to thank B Montgomery.  If you hadn’t written these amazing stories none of this would be possible.”  She took a deep breath as she finally broke her gaze from mine and looked out across the crowd.

“I told a young author once that everyone wants what they can’t have.”  My heart started to beat wildly as I felt the eyes from the audience dance upon my back.  “I’ve wanted this for so long and now I know I can have it.”  She gripped the award tightly as she looked down on it.  Her eyes raised again as she pointed her eyes toward me.  My breathing stopped as her mouth opened.  “But even though being up here feels like a dream come true, I would have given it all up just to be with you, B.”  She smiled shyly as the crowd started to murmur.  “You’re my star and I love you.  Even if I didn’t win tonight I’d still consider myself lucky because I have you by my side.  Thank you!”  Maddie held up the award as she turned from the stage.  The crowd was more deafening as I wiped tears from eyes.  I was still in utter shock that the words had come from her mouth and I watched on the large screen as the cameras panned to celebrities whispering and laughing and smiling, and then to me.  I looked a mess, with my makeup smeared and my eyes red.  But I also looked happy.  Ecstatically so.  And that, I thought, was all that mattered.

Chapter 21

“Ms. Montgomery! Ms. Montgomery!”  I turned as my name sounded over the roar of people leaving.  My eyes met with a small woman who held a small electronic device in her hand and a small speaker in her ear.  She pushed through the crowd as she smiled brightly.

“Ms. Montgomery,” she huffed as she took a breath.  It was obvious that she had been rushing to get to find me.

“Yes?”  I asked inquisitively.  I tried to keep the hurriedness out of my voice.  The last thing I wanted to do was an interview right now and the first being to find the woman who had literally poured her heart out on the stage for me.  I had tried to catch Maddie but it was nearly impossible.  She had been whisked out of the auditorium so she could appear on the Late Night Oscar’s show that happened every year.

“You’re being requested to join the winners at the after show.”  She broke eye contact with me as she pushed the earpiece further in her ear trying to hear something on the other side.  She said something briefly back and then turned her attention back.  “Sorry about that, it’s been hectic.”

“You’re telling me,” I quipped back as she laughed.

“I bet.  Look, I know you probably want to get out of here, but I’ve been tasked to convince you to come.”  I raised my eyebrows at the girl, impressed by her confidence.

“Tasked by whom?”  I asked with frustration.  My mother nudged me to be nice and I forced myself not to roll my eyes.  The petite woman smiled and tilted her head.

“By Ms. Fields.  She says she won’t show unless you’re there and we need her to show.  You know?”  I nodded my head because I did know.  Maddie’s acceptance speech would surely be talked about for the next few weeks and she will definitely be questioned about it tonight on the Late Show.  And even though I knew what this meant, the prospect of seeing Maddie sooner than later was more than enough for me to agree.

“Sure, can my mother come too?”  I pointed behind me as the petite woman nodded her head.  “Of course, that was Ms. Fields stipulation as well.  Now, if you’ll both follow me?”  The woman turned without us being able to respond and I looked over to my mother with an amused glare.

“That girl of yours is up to something.”  My mother said as we followed the young woman through the auditorium to a back door.

“Yes, I’m sure she is.  But after what she did on stage, I think I owe her one, don’t you?”  My mother smiled as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

“Didn’t I tell you not to worry?”

I huffed loudly as a chuckle resounded from my mouth.  “Don’t you know you’re always right?”

***

“Mrs. Montgomery, if you’ll come this way Brian will give you a seat in the audience.  Ms. Montgomery, Ms. Fields would like to see you right away.”  I nodded my head as I watched my mother wave goodbye and leave with a handsome young looking man.  I smiled as my feet took me closer to the backstage area of the Late Show.  A hallway lined with doors emerged as we stepped hurriedly through it.  Finally we stopped in front of a plain white door and Melissa, the young woman, finally took a breath.

“Thank you for being so understanding about all of this.”  I tilted my head and smiled.

“If it’s one thing you should know about Maddie it’s that you should never keep her waiting.”  I winked at the girl as the door opened.  Maddie leaned against the door jam, her mouth widening with a smile.

“I heard that,” she turned to Melissa and thanked her and before I knew it I was grabbed by the wrist and led inside the room.  If it had been any other time and if I had been with anyone else in this room I would have remarked on the gold statue sitting on the small vanity but it wasn’t just any other time and I wasn’t with just any other person.

Before I could even whisper a hello, I felt Maddie’s lips on my own and just when I was sure that I would pass out from the immediate feeling of breathlessness, she pulled back and gave me a hesitant smile.

“Are you okay?”  She whispered.  I responded with a tilt of my head as I stared into her green eyes.  A million of images of Maddie flashed in my mind.  The young broken girl on the porch, the girl whose heart shattered as I told her to leave, the same girl who came back ten years later and still took my breath away, the same woman who was standing right before me, telling the world that she was in love with me.  “B?  I know I should have told you but it really was spur of the moment.  I just needed everyone to know that it was you that really got me here, you know?  And I didn’t want to pretend anymore because this is the realest thing I’ve ever known and…”

I placed my finger on her lips to stop her rambling and smiled slowly.  I felt her lips turn upwards as I removed my finger and placed my mouth on hers.  I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t have the words to express just how much she meant to me, but I could tell that my actions landed where words couldn’t.  Maddie moaned into the kiss as I deepened it, trying to pull her into me as if she couldn’t be close enough.  I finally pulled away as I breathed in deeply.  She placed her forehead on mine and we both laughed at the craziness of the night.

“You sure do know how to get everyone’s attention, don’t you?”  She pursed her lips as she moved her head away to look at me.  The love in her eyes was so pure that I had to hold onto her tighter so that my knees wouldn’t buckle.

“So I take it you’re okay with me outing us to everyone?”  I shook my head as I started to chuckle.

“Did you want me here so that you would have some support through all the questions that you’re going to be asked tonight?”  Her eyes sparkled as her lips widened with that smile.  The smile that was meant only for me.  The smile that I would see for as long as she would have me.

“Oh yes, I’m going to need all the support I could get.”  There was a knock on the door and Maddie held up a finger asking me to wait.  She opened the door as production assistant told her she would be on in three minutes.  Maddie nodded as she left the door open and turned to me.  “And you know, since you’re already here, you might as well be by my side when I go out there.” She smirked as I lowered my gaze on her.

“You know, if I didn’t love you so much, you’d be in a lot of trouble right now.”  She shrugged her shoulder as she held out her hand.

“So what do you say we give the people something to talk about?”  I regarded her for a moment and then just shook my head.  Yeah, like I said before.  I’d follow her wherever she would go. I took Maddie’s hand and we walked out together, side by side.

Epilogue

“Do you think this dress makes me look fat?”  I looked up at Maddie who stood in front of the full length mirror in my old bedroom.  I rolled my eyes as I placed a diamond earring in my lobe.

“Sweetie, you don’t look fat.  You’re pregnant.  There is a difference.”  I walked over to her as I slid my arms through her own from behind.  My hands landed on her protruding belly as I placed a warm kiss on her neck.  I saw Maddie smile through the mirror as she tilted her head to allow me more access.  I ran my hands over her stomach as a warmth settled inside of me.

“We really don’t have time for this,” her breath came out in short spurts as I ran my tongue up the length of her neck.  I took her ear lobe between my teeth and lightly bit the nub before removing my lips from her body all together.  She whimpered at the loss of contact but I smiled warmly as I placed my head on her shoulder.

“You’re right, we don’t have time now.  But tonight, all bets are off.”  I removed my arms from her as I turned, looking at the clock and then craning my head outside of the window to the backyard.

“It’s piling up out there.”  I felt Maddie at my back as she looked over my shoulder.  I could hear her smile over her chuckle as she eyed Vanessa chasing Star who ran from her, holding a small bouquet in her mouth.  “Are you ready for this?”  I turned towards Maddie and had to admit that she still took my breath away.  She glowed with the skin of an expectant mother and I breathed in deeply as I locked my hand with hers.  I immediately felt the cool metal of her wedding ring and I smiled at the memory of putting it on her finger.  Here I was standing in front of my wife, who held our growing baby in her body, and I felt like life couldn’t get any better.

“I’m ready,” I finally said.  Maddie smiled as she placed a chaste kiss on my mouth.

“Good, because if I don’t sit down soon, my feet are going to swell and I’m never going to get these shoes off.”  I chuckled as I followed Maddie out of my old bedroom and down the hall to my mother’s room.  We knocked lightly at first and then stuck our heads in.  The room was bustling with people and photographers and as we stepped fully into the room I caught my mother’s eyes in the vanity mirror.  She smiled widely as Liz placed the small veil in her hair and finally she turned to me.  I heard Maddie take a deep breath in and I did the same.  My mother looked beautiful, stunning, happy.

“Hey, mama, you almost ready?”

My mother breathed out deeply.  “Beyond ready, sweetie.  How is my grandbaby doing in there?”  My mother regarded Maddie as she finally stood and took the steps toward my wife.

“She’s good, Mom.  Kicking like crazy, though.  I think she wants to join in on the fun,” Maddie said.  Her smile widened as she felt another kick and my mother’s eyes sparkled with happiness as she placed her hand on Maddie’s stomach to feel the little one’s excitement.

“I remember when B would do that.  Sometimes she would knock the wind out of me.”  I rolled my eyes as both of the women I loved laughed at my expense.

“She’s still a kicker,” Maddie replied.  I nudged my Maddie lightly with my elbow as I turned to my mother who was still chuckling.

“Ready to head down?  Jason is waiting.”  I wiggled my eyebrows as my mother’s lips curved upward.  The love that shone in her eyes was more than enough for me to know that she had finally found someone to spend the rest of her life with.  Jason had been so understanding at first, knowing that my mother was hesitant to date again.  But his advances and constant romantic gestures had finally worn her down.  She had confided in me that she felt like she was cheating on my dad; that she wasn’t sure if she was meant to ever love another man.  But I told her that love held no boundaries and that dad would have wanted her to be happy.

I cried the day that she told me he asked her to marry him.  Of course, he had asked for my permission first, but the pure excitement and joy in her eyes made me believe that she was going to finally be okay.  She was going to finally have the life she put on hold to raise me and to get me through this crazy thing called life.

And as I stood there at the altar, watching my mother say her vows to the man that she loved, I glanced over to Maddie, to my beautiful wife and our budding baby.  So much had happened to get us to this point and the last thought I had before I heard my mother say ‘I do’ was that I couldn’t wait for what the future held.